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I haven’t seen or spoken with her since that night. I figured it would be a waste of time. She has a man, and I don’t want to put myself through that bullshit again.
Fuck me. Is this why Prez wants me at church tonight? Did she post something else about the club? About what I told her about her sister? I probably shouldn’t torture myself, but I can’t help it. I need to hear her voice.
I hit play like an addict.
“Hey all you Lipstick and Bloodstains true crime junkies. I had no intention of posting a new episode this week, but you know me when something is heavy on my mind and heart, I gotta let it out. Last week was a hard one for me personally. Before I dive into everything, please note that this will be a short episode and I won’t be doing any makeup in this one. I think this is the first time I’ve done this format. It won’t be a regular occurrence. If you are new to my channel, my name is Stella and I talk about true crime while I do my makeup. Now that we have that out of the way, let’s dive in, shall we? As I told you, this week was a rough one and put me through the ringer emotionally.
This week marked what would have been my sister’s thirtieth birthday. It was also the first I didn’t get to celebrate with her. I’ve definitely been in my feels. If you didn’t know, my sister passed away earlier this year and I’ve had a hard time processing my grief. Accepting that someone I’ve known my entire existence could have hurt themselves. I was so blinded by this need to understand the why that I blamed the how on people who didn’t deserve my ire.
We don’t always know what people are enduring and it’s easy to point fingers and pass blame on anyone but the person we are angry with. Sometimes that person is us. For me though, I realized this past week that I am so angry with my sister for leaving me the way that she did. I convinced myself that she was murdered because I couldn’t accept that maybe she had a problem or was going through her own trials. I was wrong and I owe a certain club an apology. I hope that maybe, just maybe, they are listening and accept my I’m sorry. I messed up, but I’m a work in progress. I have stuff I still need to work through and believe me, the day I see her again I’m going to have those conversations that I didn’t get the chance for while she was here. I know no matter what theory I decide on, she’s gone and never coming back. I’m coming to terms with her death. So going forward though I may continue to talk about grief and losing her, as far as I am concerned, my sister’s case is closed.
She died in a tragic overdose. If you’re still with me, thank you for listening and be sure to tune in next week for my favorite holiday looks. Stay safe out there. And remember, kindness is free.”
Damn. Guess the club can breathe a little easier, but especially Smoke. Stella didn’t have to put herself out there like that. Open and raw. Makes me feel like a dick that I couldn’t be completely honest with her about her sister, but at least she has the closure she needed.
They say everything happens for a reason. Maybe this is why we were meant to cross paths.
I get cleaned up and ready to ride out to the clubhouse for church. Tonight I’ll make my old man proud when I earn my cut. As I’m going out the door, I nearly step on a box that’s sitting in front of my doorway. Maybe I left something in the truck and Nav dropped it off while I was in the shower, though it doesn’t look like one of mine. I don’t remember the white box. When I open it, there’s a note on the top.
Being neighborly and shit.
Enjoy,
Stella
Under the note is a tin of homemade brownies. I’ll have one tomorrow. I walk over to say thanks, but there’s no answer. Guess I’ll catch her another time or not at all. As I’m getting on my bike, I spot the cat I saw on Stella’s social media profile sitting by the bushes.
“Here kitty, kitty.” I scoop her up and let the fur ball into my apartment. “Don’t piss everywhere.” I’ll get her back to her owner later. We’re bound to cross paths at some point.
When I get to the clubhouse, Ember is standing outside twisting her fingers into knots, looking as pretty as ever in her dark jeans and white tee with cherries on it.
“Hey.” She flashes me her pretty smile, but it doesn’t quite reach full bloom. “Smoke told me you’d be here. I only wanted to say I’m sorry about the other day. That stuff with Stella. I don’t know what came over me.” She pauses. “No. That’s a lie. Part of me was jealous. I guess I’ve gotten used to having you all to myself. It’s selfish and not fair to you and it’s not cool for me to keep pitting you and Smoke against one another. I know that’s not all my doing, but I care about you, and I always will. You’re one of my best friends, Trenton. I’m scared to lose you.” She leans up on her toes and presses her mouth to mine.
I don’t if it’s too little, too late or what, but I don’t feel the spark I thought I would. Instead, all I can think about is kissing Ember doesn’t hold the same fire as kissing Stella.
“Wow.” She pulls back and blinks. “Nothing, huh?”
I shrug. “Guess not.”
“I needed to know,” she tells me, pink staining her cheeks.
“Now we both know.”
“Are you mad at me?”
“No, babe. I’m not mad at you.” I pull out a cigarette to get the taste of her lips off mine. She’s not mine and I don’t want to lick them and taste her there. Wouldn’t be right. Funny how I thought the day Ember admitted she feels something for me would never come and now that it has, I don’t want it anymore.
“Still friends?”
“Always.”
“Cool. Well, I guess you should get in there. They’re waiting for you. I’m proud of you, T-bird.”
I’m glad someone is. “I wish my old man could be here, ya know.”
She nods. “He’s with you. I’m sure of it.”
“Put your phone in the bin and find a seat,” East the VP of the club tells me.
