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I nod slowly, thinking about it for a moment. Really thinking. And the I meet his eyes. “I’m not.”
5
Cam
“You’re not.” He’s not worried? What does that mean?
Trevor must see the gears turning in my head. He sets his cup down and rests his forearms on the table. The breath he takes before going on has me holding my own.
“Four years ago, I didn’t see you coming.” He looks away, almost shy. “Yeah, I knew there was something about you. Even before that night, I couldn’t keep my eyes off you. I told myself it was one athlete’s appreciation of another. That I only knew the dip and rise of every muscle on your body because I wanted that level of fitness myself. That I gravitated toward you because our ambitions matched.”
“Trev.” I stare, stunned by the unguarded words. But I shouldn’t be— it’s how he’s always been with me.
He gives me a sheepish smile. “I thought the pull in my chest and gut was because I was just more comfortable around guys like me. And when I felt that pull even lower, I passed it off as teen horniness. I mean, I was attracted to women. I dated them, casually. So the reality of that attraction sort of snuck up on me. But once I understood it, it was a relief.”
Christ, how am I sitting here with this man again? How is he telling me these things that tear at my heart and make it hard for me to breathe, that touch on a connection that feels as fresh now as it did then? These things that wreck me.
“Except I wasn’t ready.” I let out a humorless laugh. “It didn’t matter that I very much understood my attraction to you. I knew I was gay. I was interested in dudes from the start. And the few girls I took out… well, let’s just say I’m glad I’m not still trying to sell the straight thing.” I shake my head and give him a truth I wasn’t planning to share. “I wish I’d been brave enough to come out about it sooner.”
He shakes his head, squinting into the distance.
“You had your reasons. And coming here today, seeing what you were afraid of losing, I get those reasons even more now.” His eyes meet mine. “But when I left, I didn’t.”
Even now, I remember the look on his face from that last night, the plea and pained disbelief when I rejected him. It haunts me. “I’m sorry.”
For him. For me. For everything that fear cost me.
He shakes his head. “Don’t. You have nothing to apologize for. Not a single thing. If anything, I owe you my thanks.”
I raise a brow, and he shrugs one solid shoulder.
“You helped me figure out some pretty significant truths about myself. Things I hadn’t recognized on my own. I mean it. And for a short time, it was just… Perfect. So, thank you.”
I nod, but there’s something I still don’t get. “Can’t believe I’m actually going to admit this, but I looked you up a few times.”
The corners of his mouth twitch. “What were you looking for?”
“For an out hockey player.” For the things he told me to be real. It’s as far as I can go. As much as I can admit, because there’s no way I’m going to tell him that if I found what I was looking for, I’d have hit the gas and driven straight through until I got to him. I’d have begged for a second chance.
Slowly, he nods. “At first, I guess I was kind of torn up and confused. What happened with us felt like a lightning strike. I’d never experienced anything close to it before, and it took a while before I could even think about anyone else. And then…” Tracing an invisible pattern into the worn wood of the table, he lifts a shoulder. “Hell, I’d been so sure about us. And being wrong? It made me doubt things some. Wonder if maybe I’d been wrong about more. If maybe what happened between us was just a fluke.”
I rub at the pain in my chest, the soul-deep scar I gave to both of us.
“So you went back to dating girls?”
He lets out a quiet laugh, staring down at his hands. “Let’s say, I confirmed that I’m bisexual. I’m physically attracted to women. Been a few nights here and there where something physical was all I wanted. But when it comes to guys, I’m physically and emotionally attracted.”
My mouth goes dry. “You’ve had… relationships… with men?”
“Two.”
“I didn’t see anything.” My ears are ringing, and my chest feels like an anvil is parked on it.
“The first lasted a few months but wasn’t meant to be. Different lives and directions. Probably a little too easy to let go, you know? If it hadn’t fizzled, I think we would have been open about the relationship, but he wasn’t big on PDA. So while it was happening, no one noticed anything more than a couple guys hanging out now and then.”
I try to imagine it but realize I don’t want to. Still, I have to know. “The second?”
“The second was almost a year. My ex wasn’t out. Isn’t out. He said maybe someday, but I went into it with my eyes open. Even so, pretending for all that time is rough, you know?”
