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She was looking at me.
“I don’t know,” I said. “It sounds dangerous to me.”
“Well, if it is to happen, it’s better to accept it,” she replied.
I did not say anything to that. Brigid waited for a response and then, she gave up.
“Wake me up when it becomes too dark to see anything,” she said, turning her back to the rest of us. “Good night.”
Kieran looked away from me as Dearen and Fiona settled to rest for the night.
My back hurt from sitting on a horse all day, but I felt wide awake as I stared at the black peak of the mountain east of Terlyth. I was sitting down, but the gloomy view did not help with the weariness, and I felt like I could not rest.
Every memory I had of Terlyth was tainted. I never felt like I belonged there, not only because Kalyden and Oren made sure I did not enjoy a single day of my life but also because I always thought I was a human changeling stolen from her real parents and forced to live with magical creatures who would never accept me.
Now, I knew I was actually a fae, and that knowledge brought new questions.
Who was I really? If my parents weren’t humans who had lost their child because of a thieving fae, who were they? They had to be fae. Did they live in this city? Why did they abandon me?
Terlyth contained all those questions and possibly the answers as well. Being so close to it now made me feel an ache deep within. I could no longer deny it like I had been doing since the trials. If I was fae, that meant my fae family had abandoned me to Kalyden and Oren. My parents weren’t the victims of a kidnapping that they had no power to stop; they had let go of me willingly.
I thought about going to the house I grew up in. I could ask Kalyden and Oren. Did they know who my parents were? I was not sure. Kalyden had been angry enough to take my healing magic from me because she firmly believed I was a human changeling stealing fae magic. Would she have done that if she knew I was actually a fae? Would she...
“You recognize that mountain, don’t you?” Kieran’s voice reached me from behind, breaking the spell of silence.
I looked over my shoulder to meet his gaze and nodded.
His expression twisted with worry. Even though he was not an empath, it was as though he could sense my feelings. He quickly got up from where he had been sitting and approached me.
“Are you okay?” He asked, sitting beside me and facing the mountain like I was.
“I...” I hesitated. I felt like I was about to cry. I did not know why. Questions did not make someone cry. They could not.
“Being home after so long must be...” Kieran started, but he could not finish his sentence.
“This is not home,” I interrupted him. My voice was shaky, and my instinct was to hide my weakness, but Kieran sat beside me, warm and compassionate. There was no need to hide from him. Was there?
There is always a reason to hide, Cari spoke inside my mind. She was not trying to make me act a certain way; she was just sharing her truth. But I did not need that. The doubt and the hesitation to open myself to others were always there, deep within me. I did not need her to bring that part out.
Go, I said. Leave me.
And she did. She disappeared quickly as though she had never been there. It had taken only a few seconds for the conversation between us to end abruptly with my plea for her to leave me alone.
“I never felt like I belonged here,” I continued after the brief pause. “I have no home.”
“You do,” he said.
When I turned to him, I knew what he meant. He saw that I did not believe it. I could not. Nothing could be this easy.
“But you will never believe it, will you?” He said, his shapely lips curling with a sad smile.
“One day I might,” I told him. “I want to feel as safe as you all do. Even amidst the war and the suffering, you know where you belong. You know there are those who love you. There are those who will die for you.”
“And you don’t?” He asked.
He looked hurt. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to put my head on his chest and weep until I could feel safe.
But I could not.
