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His questions came without interruption. One after the other, like multiple slaps to my face.
“I...” I whispered. Could I deny it? He was right. Allison was dead because of me. I decided to go to war and she had followed me. After the years she had lost while living as a monster, her future was now gone because of me.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“You’re sorry?” he asked, anger flaring in him. “What good is that for?”
I wanted to escape. I wanted to leave this makeshift cave and step out into fresh air so that I could breathe.
But I could not. He was right.
I felt the wetting of my cheek as a drop of tear fell, but I wiped it off immediately, hoping he wouldn’t catch it in his anger. I had no right to cry after his wife.
“I did not want to lead the monster folk,” I told him, and immediately regretted it. It sounded like an excuse. “I tried to save her.”
“You failed,” he said. “Allison thought you were a hero. She was grateful.”
“I know,” I said.
“But I feel no gratitude,” he said. “And I don’t want to feel any gratitude. So let me be. Leave, and let my body heal itself.”
There were no words left to say. He had the right to refuse help from me.
I nodded and took off.
I stepped out of the cave and into the darkness interrupted only by the flickering lights of the torches planted in front of the makeshift shelters of our camp. Most of them were made of stone and earth, but some of the monster folk had used leaves and wood to protect themselves against the cold of the night. A few of them were sleeping in the natural cave we had found nearby.
Muir had arranged most of it.
Although it was nearly midnight, sleep eluded me.
Most of the monster folk were asleep, while a few patrolled the camp, vigilant against the night.
The sleeping monster folk meant nightmares. And if I allowed myself to get buried in those, I could easily do it.
We had chosen this new location in the forest within the in-between realms since there was a chance Lugh’s portalers might have been able to follow our trail. We did not want to risk them finding our previous camp, where the elderly and the sick had remained behind.
Ilerd’s words were with me as I walked away from the makeshift cave.
He was right, of course. The monster folk did not consider themselves Seelie or Unseelie. So they had no reason to war against Lugh’s armies to protect the prisoners. That had been all me. The dead were dead because I loved Kieran and Fiona. All their pain and suffering was because they considered me their leader.
If I was someone who wanted all that power, to send fae into battle and order them to die, perhaps I wouldn’t have felt so guilty. We had done a good thing by freeing the prisoners and disrupting Lugh’s rule over the Unseelie lands. I was sure of that, but I wasn’t sure if that justified the deaths of Alisson and Leof.
I wasn’t sure if anything could justify it.
And perhaps for that reason, I wasn’t cut out to be a leader. Leaders sent their followers into battle all the time and they justified it using various explanations and reasons for war.
I couldn’t do that.
Not without feeling all this guilt over the dead.
I kept walking and tried to push away the dark thoughts.
In the distance, a light flickered, stronger and warmer than any torch light. It was a campfire, burning bright although it wasn’t set up for cooking. I could not see who sat by it, but I started walking toward the fire.
I recognized Cari pretty quickly. She was staring at the fire, seemingly deep in thought. Surprisingly, the only one keeping her company was Qai. He lay by the fire, his eyes tightly closed.
As I approached them, Qai stirred and his nostrils moved before he opened his eyes. Then, he saw me.
