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But I knew Padraig pitied me. And although it pained me to do it, I knew I could use that.
“I know he might never love me,” I said. “But I always imagined I would one day get married to a man who at least respected me and liked me.”
“I’m sure he...” Padraig started, but I stopped him.
“Could you help me with that?” I asked.
His blue eyes widened. “How?”
“I was thinking,” I said coyly. “If I were to give him a gift, one that showed him I appreciated his protection and did not want to defy him ever again, do you think he would like that? Does he like gifts?”
It was a silly question. I knew. But I wanted Padraig to think I was a silly princess. Weak and fragile, focused only on the affection of the men around her... It was nothing like the real me, but it was quite close to how most perceived me upon first laying eyes on me.
“I don’t know,” Padraig said. “He might.”
“Could you help me surprise him with a gift?” I asked, excitedly. “I think I have something he might enjoy greatly.”
“Of course,” Padraig said, relaxed that I wasn’t going to demand something difficult to achieve. “Give it to me and I can give it to him in your name.”
“No,” I replied.
This was the hardest part of my quickly formed plan. I was already anxious, which meant my cheeks were flushed. I hoped Padraig would think it was embarrassment.
“I will write a note to go with it,” I said, looking up as I paused for effect. “It’s... This is humiliating. I always had men throw themselves at my feet, begging for my attention. But Lugh is different. He’s strong and determined, and he is not marrying me because he’s in love with me. I need him to be in love with me, Padraig. And for that, I am willing to humble myself. But that is only for him. You cannot tell anyone about this.”
Padraig cocked his head. His look was not suspicious anymore. He pitied me. Although I hated the look on his face, it was exactly what I needed.
“I need you to get me into his bedroom so that I can leave the note somewhere only he can discover it,” I said. “With the gift, it should convince him that I’m eager to become his wife. But I can’t let anyone else see my letter... It’s... I...”
“Someone can still find the letter,” Padraig said, finally suspicious.
“They might,” I said, pulling onto his feeling of pity toward me and making sure it outweighed his suspicion. “But I have to try. He hates me. He slapped me in front of all his men and didn’t think it mattered.”
Ever since it happened, thinking of that moment made my eyes sting. Normally, I would try to push it down. I did not enjoy looking weak, not even when I was alone.
But now, I let my tears fall.
“If he continues feeling like this,” I whimpered. “My life will be horrible. Will he love our children once they’re born? Will he always treat me like a burden? I can’t have that, Padraig. I can’t live like that.”
My shoulders collapsed, and I started to openly sob. It wasn’t difficult to do. My feelings of grief and sadness were near the surface, ready to come out as soon as I let them. As I cried, I let Padraig feel all of it.
He’s suspicious, Orla’s voice rang inside my mind.
I did not reply. I was crying my eyes out. Orla could feel my grief. She could hear my thoughts.
I looked up at Padraig and saw his expression change as I felt Orla’s surrender. His cheeks rose with pity as he pursed his lips.
Finally, he moved. He put one hand on my shoulder, patting it gently but cautiously.
“I will help you,” he said. “Please don’t cry.”
