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“There really hasn’t been time to think about the baby. Part of me wants her to leave Cedar Bay and go with one of you. However, that is my child and I won’t be able to see him or her if she leaves. I’m not even sure I want to be in my son’s or daughter’s life. It does nothin’ but paint a target on their back from any enemies we have. Now or in the future. I couldn’t live with myself if somethin’ happened to my child because of me and the club,” I tell my dad honestly, not sure how he’s going to react to that statement.
“Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me with that shit, Cole? Do you think you’re the only one who has had that thought run through their head when it comes to bein’ a parent and a member of the club? You’re not. Every fuckin’ one of us have had the same thought. The only difference I’m seein’ is that we had the balls to push our feelings down and be there for our children. Not a single one of us fuckin’ ignored you guys or decided we didn’t want to be a dad because of the fear we felt. If you choose not to be in your son or daughter’s life, that’s on you. However, in my eyes it makes you nothin’ more than a fuckin’ coward. You can sit here and be the best uncle to every kid in this clubhouse and yet you’d turn your back on your own child. That’s not a fuckin’ man, Cole. That’s a bitch who doesn’t want to take responsibility for his own flesh and blood,” my dad growls out, laying down his own truth for me. “What do you think your life would’ve been like if I didn’t step up and be a dad to you and Quinn? Would either one of you have had the life you did growin’ up? What would your mom have done on her own? Think about that shit, Cole, and make the right fuckin’ decision. Not for you, but for you son or daughter.”
Without another word, my dad takes his bottle of water and leaves me standing at the bar on my own. Leaning against the bar, I watch everyone in the room for a while. Autumn isn’t out here. My mom and sister are missing too. They’re either with Autumn in her room or have gone back to Quinn’s house. I’m not sure where they are. But according to my dad, neither one of them wants to talk to me anyway. This entire situation is a clusterfuck and I’m not sure how to dig my way out of it. If there’s even a way I can start to make this shit right and fix what I’ve done.
“I’ll take a beer,” I tell Brantley who has stopped behind me while wiping down the bar top.
Brantley hands over the unopened beer before continuing his way down the bar with the rag. The Prospect doesn’t look at me or try to figure out if I need anything else for the half hour I stand here and watch the room around me. I’m wondering where Ghost is, but don’t want to go in search of him. I think both of us need to figure out what’s going on and how to move forward before we get together and have a conversation. Either way, I need to get my shit together and figure out what to do and how I’m going to move forward with my new life. I’m either going to be part of Autumn’s life and help her raise my child. Or I’m going to stand back and give her money to make sure our child is always taken care of without ever spending any time with my son or daughter. I don’t feel as if either option will be enough for me though.
After finishing my beer, I toss the empty bottle in the garbage can closest to me and head for my room. As I’m walking down the hallway, Tank and the triplets exit a room and pass me by. None of them say a word as they quickly walk past me and head for their destination. It seems as if no one wants to talk to me today and I really can’t blame them. I’ve fucked up more than ever before and I have to repair the damage with more than just Autumn. My entire family and club need to have me fix the damage one way or another.
I’ve spent the entire day locked in my room. After taking the longest, hottest shower ever, I’ve laid in my bed. The TVs on in the background, but I can’t tell you what’s even on. I haven’t been paying attention as one thought after another races through my mind. The main one is what I’m going to do about my son or daughter. Can I really live my life knowing I have a child out there that I have nothing to do with? I don’t think I can. Yes, I know my child and Autumn will have targets painted on their back because of their association with me. However, I’m not the first person in the club to become a dad. I’m not the first one even in this chapter of the club. Goose is the first man to become a dad. Now, almost half the members have children. They do what they have to do for the club, work, and still spend time with their children and ol’ lady. I know it’s not easy and they don’t pretend it is, but they all make it work.
At the end of the day, I finally realize I want to be in my child’s life. I have to prove that to Autumn and figure out a way to make her believe she needs to stay here in Cedar Bay. Well, I guess she doesn’t need to stay in Cedar Bay. If she goes to Clifton Falls or Dander Falls, I can always go there with her. I’d just have to get approval from the President of the chapter back home and from Venom here. That’s if she chooses to stay around any of the Wild Kings chapters. Autumn could literally go anywhere she wants to start her new life and there’s nothing I can do to stop her.
Autumn has the resources she needs to completely disappear without a trace if that’s what she chooses to do. She can have someone change her identity and I’d never know where her or my child are again. Now, a new fear fills me with the thought of her actually doing that. Jumping up in bed, I quickly leave my room and head for Autumn’s room. I need to know if she’s left yet or not.
When I get to her room, Hawkeye and Ricochet are standing outside her door. I release the breath I’ve been holding at the knowledge that she’s still here. At least for now. They wouldn’t be standing guard if she weren’t.
“What the fuck do you want?” Hawkeye growls out, his voice letting me know how angry he is about the situation.
“Is she still here? Or is she gettin’ ready to leave?” I ask him, not taking my eyes off the door separating us.
“What the fuck do you care, Brick? You’ve made it perfectly clear how you feel about her and the situation. Go the fuck away and leave Autumn alone,” Ricochet barks, standing up taller and puffing his chest out as if he’s ready to tear me a new ass. I’d honestly let him at this point.
“Look, I know I fucked up. With more than just Autumn. I just want to know she’s still here because at some point, we’re gonna have to talk about the baby and make some decisions about how we move forward. Whether you like it or not, that’s my son or daughter she’s carryin’. I’m gonna be around forever because of that. The first step of fixin’ this mess I made is to have a civil conversation with Autumn when we’re both ready and to make sure we come to some firm decisions in regard to our child. I can’t do that if she leaves Cedar Bay without lettin’ me know where she’s goin’,” I tell them, knowing this might not make a difference to either man I’ve called brother for years now.
“You did fuck up, Brick. We all did. None of us as much as you and Ghost, but we all fucked up. Now, we find out she’s our cousin and this shit makes everythin’ even worse than it has been. The only thing I’m gonna say is Autumn’s still here. I’m not sure how long she’ll actually be here, but for now she is,” Ricochet says, his voice almost a whisper.
“Thank you,” I breathe out, my own voice as low as his.
Leaving Autumn’s room, I head back through the common room. My mom and sister are sitting at a table and both of them turn their heads when they see me looking at them. Pain fills my chest as I make my way toward my room once again. For now, I’m going to spend the rest of the day alone and try to figure out what needs to be done for the future. Especially with Nolan and Janice still out there somewhere. We don’t know what they plan on doing when it comes to Autumn in order to get her back where they can control her. Just another layer of the clusterfuck to add on. There’s so much to think about and do. I’ve definitely got my work cut out for me.
Then, I have to figure out what Ghost wants to do. We’ve always shared and I’d love for that to continue. He’s my best friend and the person I’m the closest to. If we can fix what we broke with Autumn then maybe we can figure out a way to make co-parenting work between the three of us. That’s at the very least. I’m not going to rule out anything at this point because we don’t know what the fuck is going to happen with any of us. For now, I’m just going to focus on repairing one relationship at a time and talking with Ghost on a regular basis so we know what to do moving forward. We need to be on the same page when it comes to the baby and Autumn. I’m not going to cut out my best friend from the situation or stand in his way when it comes to Autumn. We just have to figure out what’s going on and how to navigate the situation.
I stop long enough to knock on Ghost’s door as I head for my own room. He doesn’t answer after waiting a minute. There’s no sound coming from inside his room. I’m betting he went for a ride to clear his mind and try to wrap his head around everything. Especially knowing his parents are on their way down. Like the rest of us, Ghost looks up to his dad and hates disappointing him. Shadow made it very clear on the phone earlier he’s not happy with any of us. Including the girls. We’re gonna be getting our ass chewed out by a third person the second Renee and him get to town. I bet Ghost is out riding so he doesn’t think about his parents showing up. He hasn’t even talked to Bull as far as I know. When Ghost can’t turn to me about something going on, his brother is the person he goes to. I don’t know if he’s talked to him about this situation at all. I’ll have to ask him.
Getting back in my room, I close and lock the door behind me. Climbing in bed, I let my eyes slide closed as exhaustion pulls at my body. Everything is taking a toll on me and I can’t even imagine how Autumn feels right now. All I know is I need a clear head and to figure out what to do next. Sleep claims me in minutes and I don’t fight it as normal.
Chapter Seventeen
Ghost
RIDING AROUND DOES nothing to clear my head. So much is tumbling around my mind and there’s no way for me to get a hold of a single thought for any reason. I’m nervous about seeing my dad because he’s gonna whoop my ass. No, he’s never beat me, but I’m a grown ass man now and he’s pissed. I’m pissed at myself. Instead of helping Autumn when she got here, we only added to her pain and the hurt she’s felt her entire life. That’s not who we are as individuals or a club. Yet, we proved to her, our parents, and everyone else that we aren’t the good guys. None of us are. Even the ol’ ladies aren’t as innocent in this situation. The only one who can’t be held as responsible is Quinn. She did more for Autumn since she’s been here than anyone else. And that’s with her spending most of her time at the hospital for James.
It won’t be much longer before my dad and mom are in Cedar Bay. I need to have some kind of plan in place when they get here. Bull does too. Our dad called us both out and made sure we knew he’d be seeing us before anyone else. That’s a visit I’m not sure I’m ready for. I’ll never be ready for a visit with my parents when I know I’ve pissed them off or disappointed them in some way. No one likes to disappoint their parents and I’m no exception to that. It sucks and I’m the only one who can change it. I just have to figure out how to start fixing the mess we’ve all created. Well, my portion of it anyway.
Riding back into the town, I make a decision to stop by and see Doc. There’s a question I need answered and she’s the only one who I’ll believe right now. Doc’s been the one treating Autumn pretty much since she got to Cedar Bay and if she wasn’t on birth control as she said, Doc will know. I just want to make sure we’re not pissed at her for something beyond her control. Unless she really did lie about being on birth control. Then, I won’t have anything to do with her because that means she’s trying to trap a biker or Brick or me specifically. I don’t see her doing that, but my head is so fucked up right now, I’m not what to think about anything. That's the hardest part of this entire situation. I can usually keep my head clear enough to make the rational decisions and come up with plans quickly. I’m too close to this situation for that to happen right now.
Pulling up in front of Doc’s office, I park and shut the engine of my bike off. Sitting on my baby for a minute, I take a minute to calm down before getting off my bike and heading for the front door of the office. No one’s in the waiting room as I enter and head for the receptionist.
“Need to speak to Doc. Is she here?” I ask, keeping my eyes off the woman sitting before me.
I can’t remember her name, but she’s always trying to get an invitation to the clubhouse. Every single time one of us comes into the office to see Doc, she flirts and tries to get close to us. While I know she wants to fuck a biker, she’s not as bad as some who only want an officer and a shot at becoming an ol’ lady. There’s no doubt this girl has an agenda and wants to become an ol’ lady, but she doesn’t care if it’s to an officer or not. I’ve never touched her and I barely speak to her. To my knowledge, I don’t know of anyone who’s fucked with this girl. Not when we know what her end game is already.
“She’s in the back. How are you doing today?” she returns, batting her eyes at me while thinking she looks sexy. She doesn’t.
“Get her,” I grit out, ignoring her question and walking away from her desk.
