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“Of course it does. He’s been my friend since I was a kid.”
“Excellent. Now do him. Tell me where you would be withouthim because I personally think your life would be so much better if you’d nevermet him.”
Never met him? “He was one of my first friends. I didn’tknow you were so into rewriting history. Do you remember who I was at thatage?”
“You were a brilliant child who didn’t fit in anywhere andwho wanted so badly to have people she could count on because the ground neverfelt stable to you.” Her mother’s tone went soft.
“He was stable ground. He didn’t care that I was weird andtalked about things he didn’t understand. He didn’t care that some of hisfriends thought I was a nerd. When they came at me, he wasn’t their friendanymore. I can’t tell you how often he’s protected me.”
“And yet you’ve cried over him more times than I can count.”
She didn’t like the way this conversation was going. Angerwas starting to build, and she was never angry with her mom. “Because I lovedhim. Because I didn’t want to lose him. Because even when he didn’t want mephysically, he still showed up when I needed him. Yes, I cried because I didn’tget what I wanted, but he was still my friend. So you can shove your judgment,Mom.”
A low smile crossed her mom’s face, and she realized her momwas playing chess. “Then why is your brother wrong? Are you telling me you andTJ finally got together and you’re…what? Playing around? Please don’t try totell me this is all for an op or something. And like I said, I adore Kala andknow damn well you’re better for having her in your life. I will admit thereare times I wondered about TJ, but you can’t blame me for questioning the kidwho made my daughter cry. Even if he didn’t mean to.”
She slumped on the couch beside her mom. “He didn’t. I don’tthink he ever meant to make me ache the way I do sometimes. I think that’s theprice of unrequited love.”
“Well, if what Big Tag says is true, it feels prettyrequited to me,” her mom shot back. “Also, Marley was talking about something happeningat the club last night, but she was getting it secondhand from her brother.Something about you and TJ playing games in a privacy room. She wasn’t sure ifthe games were board games or something else.”
So at least one of her plans had worked. Her friends wereunsure if she was making a fool of herself or working.
And she needed to go over the meaning of the word classifiedwith her boss.
“We were running an op last night at The Hideout,” shereplied.
“Really?” Her mom sounded like she didn’t believe her.
“Really.”
“And the stuff in Germany?”
“Was a mistake.” Lou wanted to wrap it all up and send hermom on her way and go back to work, forgetting everything except the task infront of her.
It was always her first instinct—to satisfy her brain andleave the rest of it locked behind some door she never had to open.
She could easily have been Kala’s friend and soaked herselfin Kala’s dark view of the world. She could have been Kala’s operationalwingman, sitting in the shadows and pursuing directives with no thought beyondgetting the job done. It would have been easy. Simple.
Kala had given her confidence, but it had been TJ whodragged her out of her head and convinced her life wasn’t life without joy andfun and yes, even heartache.
Why was she holding back? Why was she reverting to a herthat hadn’t existed in years? The one who shut down so she didn’t have tolisten to criticism, the one who walked a tightrope so she tried not to feelanything or need anyone.
“Mom, I don’t know what I’m doing.”
Her mom sniffled and moved over, wrapping her arm aroundLou. “Oh, baby, you’re not supposed to. Not about something like this.Something like this, you follow your instincts. You let yourself feeleverything because this is important. Do you know why I love TJ?”
It was Lou’s turn to sniffle since she found herself on theverge of tears. “It sounds like you hate him.”
“Never,” her mom vowed. “I might have wished you weren’t sohurt, but I do know how he’s been a friend to you over the years. You and yourdad concentrated on what he did wrong, but I was able to sit back and considerthe situation. Do you know what it takes for a twelve-year-old boy to pick theweird new girl over his friends?”
Lou nodded.
“I loved that kid when I overheard him telling a guy fromhis baseball team that if you weren’t welcome at his party, then he wasn’tcoming either,” her mom continued. “I think he wanted to go but he came homewith us that night and helped your dad with the dogs and watched TV with youuntil his parents picked him up. I know he worries he’s not smart enough foryou, but there are different levels of intelligence.”
“What do you mean? Is this the whole he didn’t want to messup my college career thing? We’ve had this discussion.” She’d had it over andover again. Was she supposed to reward the man for rejecting her so she couldget an education? Like she would have passed it up.
Her mom seemed to consider how to proceed. “But have youreally thought about it? Have you thought about it from his point of view?Would you have followed him if he’d asked you to?”
She snorted at the thought. “I had a full ride to MIT, Mom.No, I wasn’t going to follow TJ and be a good military wife. But we could havetried. We could have seen if it could work long distance, or he could havechanged his plans since he should have gone to college. Someone we know couldhave gotten him into a college close to me. His family has crazy connections.”
