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“Maybe, but could they make him comfortable in it?” Her momsat back. “I want you to think about what you’ve said because you’ve used thepronoun you an awful lot.”
She was confused. “What was I supposed to do? You think Ishould have followed him?”
“No. I think you have to consider the fact that he did whathe thought was best for you and for him at the time. And he did it at the ageof eighteen. He was a boy who you would have happily slept with who decidedthat if he couldn’t be all in, he would wait to pursue a physical relationshipwith you. I know that was frustrating at the time, but it showed me he couldput your best interests in front of his own wants,” her mom explained.
She was ignoring a few salient facts. “And after? Mom, a fewweeks ago I tried to kiss him and he wouldn’t. Why the hell should I believethat he’s changed?”
Her mom blushed. “Well, the video alone proves that he’schanged. I would say the whole actually sleeping together is a sign of change.”
Lou shook her head, a familiar stubbornness invading herveins. “He got scared and he held on to me like a teddy bear. That’s what he does.When he needs something, he comes to me.”
Her mom sat back, a skeptical look on her face. “Really?What has he ever asked you to do for him?”
The question stopped Lou in her tracks. “I’ve done a lot forhim.”
“I know you’ve cooked meals for him and been his plus one tothings he didn’t want to go to alone, but what have you sacrificed for him?”
“Uhm, my youth.” She’d pretty much wasted her twentiesmooning over the guy.
“No, you dated,” her mom argued. “You chose to stay in thefriendship with TJ because you got something out of it. What worries me is thatyour friends have the wrong idea about that relationship. I think your friendsbelieve TJ’s used you over the years, and you’ve played a part in that. Youtalk about him stringing you along. How did he do that? When he skipped the endof the summer blowout the kids were having to drive you up to Massachusetts soyou would have your car? When he used his only leave nine months later to driveyou back home?”
Lou went quiet. She’d never thought about it like that.Those days had been precious. Just her and TJ in a car, driving across thecountry. They’d sang along to music they both loved and ate greasy diner foodand stopped at dumb tourist sites to take pictures. In every one of them, hewas smiling like he was having the time of his life. When they stopped at amotel for the night, he would cuddle up with her and watch TV until she fellasleep and then she would wake up with him in the bed next to hers.
At the time she’d taken it as proof that he couldn’t loveher, but what if that was the wrong conclusion? Life wasn’t an equation whereeverything balanced perfectly. The math of any relationship was messy, withshifting inequalities that—if the relationship was right—somehow balanced outin the end.
Her mother wasn’t finished. “During your senior year, hecalled your father and I when he was worried you were overloaded academically.It’s why we skipped Thanksgiving and took you and your brother to Hawaii.”
Tears pricked her eyes because she remembered that semester.Senior year in college, and she’d taken on way too much. She’d been ready tobreak, but TJ called her every chance he got. He sent her letters and gifts forher to open when she completed the assignments she’d needed to. It had givenher the push she needed, a reminder that she wasn’t alone. It hadn’t been much.A book she wanted to read. A stuffed penguin. A bracelet with tiny diamondsthat now that she thought about it probably cost him a lot. And then he’dcalled her parents. She’d needed that week away from everything. “I thought youwanted to surprise me.”
Her mom put a hand over hers. “I wanted to give you what youneeded. He came home that year and I know how much he wanted to see you, but hewanted you healthy and happy more.”
He’d sent flowers to her hotel room with a card wishing herthe happiest Thanksgiving, and she’d wondered if he was relieved he hadn’t hadto spend time with her that holiday. She’d spent her time wondering if he wasbringing home a woman to meet his family. Or if he was just hooking up withwhoever was around.
She’d thought of herself and put the worst spin on anythinghe did.
He never forgot a birthday. Always knew what presents wouldmake her happy.
Everyone called him Fucking TJ, the guy who just keptstringing her along.
What if he was TJ, the guy who really couldn’t stand thethought of losing her?
“I know you’re scared, and I would bet you’ve come up with amillion ways this ends poorly. You’re sitting there asking all the wrongquestions. Or you keep asking questions you know the answer to. You think he’sclinging to you like a teddy bear because something bad happened to him. Well,sometimes we need a push. He could have viewed his kidnapping as proof that hislife was too dangerous for you.”
Lou snorted.
Her mom shrugged. “Men can ignore the truth a lot. Your dadstill thinks all you do is sit behind a computer, so if you want to be mad atTJ for that, throw your father in that jail, too.”
“He found out how well I can handle myself. I showed him howcapable I am.”
“Before or after he tossed you on a bed and made a meal ofyou?”
She was right, but did she have to put it that way? “Mom,really?”
Her mom shrugged. “I’ve been around lifestylersfor long enough to become comfortable with sex. It’s important, and that’s alesson I never learn if I didn’t meet your dad. I think about it a lot, youknow. When you guys first came to Ian and the Sanctum board with your plans foryour own club, I had to sit with it for a while. Do you want to know what I decided?”
Did she? “Sure.”
“I decided that I would rather have you in a club that takessex seriously with a bunch of people who watch out for you than on a singledating app rolling the dice. I would rather you had good sex and learned toappreciate your body and value yourself than sleeping with guys because youhoped the connection was right when you have no real idea what their intentionsare. The club is a place for honesty. You can make proper decisions because you’llhave the data you need.”
