AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“It’s totally worth it. Let’s fuck, baby. Let’s fuck for acouple of weeks and then maybe I’ll be able to sit through a debrief without myballs aching.” He started to lower his head toward hers.
She couldn’t let him kiss her. She rationalized the earlierkiss. She’d been half awake, but if he kissed her now, it would mean something.“You can’t say those things to me.”
He stared down at her like she was speaking a differentlanguage. Or perhaps he’d expected her to fall at his feet the minute hetouched her.
“Who else would I say them to?”
“Any of your numerous girlfriends.” That was better. It wasa good reminder that TJ Taggart never kept a woman for long, and falling at hisfeet would make her look like a moron later on. She already hated the fact thateveryone knew how dumb she’d been.
He shook his head. “There weren’t that many, and it’s notlike you’ve been celibate, baby. I know you were sleeping with that dumbass atMIT, and I suspect you were having an affair that first year teaching at UT. Sodon’t pretend like poor Lou sat in the background waiting for TJ to notice her.I always, always noticed you. I dropped everything to make sure you were takencare of.”
This had been their problem for years. He didn’t trust herin his world. Even though she’d literally lived in his world since she was twelve.She sometimes thought she understood his world better than he did. “I didn’tneed taking care of. I can take care of myself.”
“Can you? Because from the way you reacted to me eating yourpussy like it was my job, I don’t think you take care of yourself very well.”
That wasn’t what she’d meant at all. “You can’t talk likethat.”
“But I can,” he countered with a smirk she shouldn’t find soattractive. “I’m good at it. I think I’m way better at it now that we’ve gottenthrough our awkward phase. I’m feeling some things I’ve never felt. I’m goingto be extremely possessive when it comes to you.”
Maybe she should state this plainly. “We are not a couple.”
If that bothered him, he didn’t show it. He seemed to preferstaring down at her like he was memorizing the way she looked in this onemoment. “Then what are we?”
“We’re Lou and TJ. We’re what we always are, always willbe.”
His head shook, and he leaned over to brush a kiss over herforehead. “No. I was friends with the sweetest girl in the world, and I willadmit to being the dumbass who worried we wouldn’t be compatible in the longrun because you would need your intellectual equal, and we both know I’m notit. But you’ve held out on me. You’ve hidden a whole fucking lot of yourpersonality from me.”
What did that mean? He was irritating her in a way that madeher feel anxious. “Hidden? Are you talking about the fact that I can do myjob?”
He seemed to consider what to say for a moment. His hipswere nestled between her legs, reminding her of all the things he hadn’t doneto her yet. “I’m talking about the fact that you put yourself in danger, and Idon’t know that I like that. Except I did think you were hot when you blew thatdoor. That did something for me. I don’t know. I’m all twisted and need sometime to process, which is why we should lock the door and fuck for a reallylong time.”
She pushed at him again. “You can’t do this to me. You don’tget to play with me that way.”
His gaze turned slightly savage, an expression she’d neverseen on his face before. “I’m not playing. Look at me. I’m not playing gameswith you. I never would. It’s time. I knew what I was going to do even beforeyou dropped into my lap like the best gift ever. I knew if I survived, I wasgoing to try with you. I’ve spent so much of my life denying myself because Ithought I wasn’t good enough for you. I thought I couldn’t possibly give youwhat you need, but I was wrong. You do need me. Tell me if a single one ofthose men ever gave you a real orgasm.”
A flash of heat went through her because he was right. Sexup until now hadn’t been some amazing thing she couldn’t live without. It hadbecome something to get through so she could get to the cuddling part. Shedidn’t want to cuddle up with TJ. She wanted to explore with him, and that wasdangerous on so many levels. “That’s not what I build a relationship on.”
“And, as my uncle would say, that is why you fail.” Hestared down at her for a moment, his expression going serious. “I know I’ve givenyou reason in the past to think I didn’t have romantic feelings for you, butthat’s bullshit. I wanted you to have the life a person like you is supposed tohave.”
Yes, this had been one of his arguments, too. She needed tobe locked away in the academic equivalent of a white castle where she woulddance around in that magical world and solve math puzzles all day. It was whateveryone expected her to do. “And what is that?”
“You were supposed to get your doctorate and grab a place ata university and live in that world where you would be safe and protected andyou would find someone as smart as you are and live this charmed life. Therewasn’t a place for me in that life.”
It was what she’d told him she wanted, what she had wantedfor the longest time. Maybe right up until the moment Kala had shown up in heroffice and offered her the Agency gig.
Would there have been a place for him in that life? Or wouldhe have gotten as ground down as she would have if she’d followed him andbecome his sweet Army wife, setting up a home wherever they landed.
It was a good life for a lot of people, but she’d alwaysknown it wasn’t for her. She’d never once offered to follow TJ. She had beenwilling to let him follow her.
Had she been willing to do to him what men had done to womenfor generations? To set him up in a little house and expect him to worship herwhile she got to have the career of her dreams?
The thought caught in her brain, but she shovedit to the side to examine later while TJ kept talking.
“But now I know you walk around with weapons and play fastand loose with your safety, and there’s damn straight a place for me in thatlife. I was willing to let you go for your own good, but you’ve made thatimpossible now.”
She wasn’t sure she was following him. “Let me go?”
“Yes. Let you go.” He smoothed back her hair. “If I’dfollowed you to MIT like everyone thought I should, where would we be? I don’tthink we would still be together, and that is what I didn’t want. I neverwanted to be your schoolgirl crush, the one you look back on fondly while you marrythe man you’re on equal footing with. I want to be that man, and now I know Ican because you need two things from me.”
