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He was dressed and felt reasonably human. The debrief hadbeen rescheduled for later, and he could hear Kenzie and Kala arguing aboutsomething in the background as his mom strode through the door. She lookedtired, but then she’d been awake for more than twenty-four hours and worriedshe could lose her only son.
How much had it cost her to send in Kala and Cooper and Zachinstead of going on her own? His mom could be a control freak. “You okay?”
She sighed and sank down on the sofa by the window. “I’mjust glad you’re safe. We haven’t gotten much out of our friend downstairs, butyour uncle will explain all that in a little while. If he can see by then. Iknow I should tell you and Lou to keep the sex thing private, but I love seeingBig Tag act like a fainting Jane Austen character. I need to get him somesmelling salts and a fan. We could put one of those chaise lounge things in hisoffice so he can pass out on it.”
He’d had enough of his uncle’s antics. They weren’t helpinghim with Lou. “The second time was completely his fault. He should have waitedfor someone to open the door, but he walked right in.”
His mother laughed but then sat back, going serious. “How isLou? She looked wound up. I hear she had to take a couple of guys out.”
And she didn’t look surprised by that new information. “Didyou know what she was doing for the team? You knew I thought she was strictlyan analyst.”
His mom had curly red hair she usually kept in a ponytail ora bun, but now was around her lean shoulders. She wore a white tank top andtactical pants and combat boots. She hadn’t been in the Army for over twentyyears, but it was still ingrained in her being. “Well, you’ve also thought shewould get bored and go back to her ivory tower, leaving you outside to pine forher, so I didn’t think the truth would do that much for you.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
His mother studied him with intelligent eyes. She’d been inthe military, but she’d worked intelligence. She hadn’t been a grunt like him.“It means you’ve loved Lou for a long time, but you didn’t want to be in lovewith her.”
He wasn’t sure he’d understood the difference until a fewhours ago. “I’ve always loved Lou.”
“But you didn’t think you deserved her love. Because youthink you’re not smart enough for her.” His mother summed up ten years of hislife in a neat packet. “You’re not, of course, but that doesn’t matter. She’ssmart enough for both of you. She doesn’t need you to mentally challenge her.She needs you to balance her, but until you see that, there’s not a lot I cando. I know because I couldn’t see it either.”
“Couldn’t see it?” He was curious because it wasn’t like hismom to get real deep. That kind of talking was his dad’s territory. If his momwas willing to open up, she thought this was important.
“Couldn’t see what your dad could possibly see in me. I wasolder than him, harder than him. I was pretty broken when we met, and I didn’twant to love him because I would get my heart broken when he inevitably found awoman worthy of him. And then he died. That’s what it took. He died and I waspregnant, and I had to sit down and look at my whole life and figure out what Iwanted. You know I almost gave you up. I never thought about not going throughwith the pregnancy, but I did think about finding another home for you. Ididn’t think I was worthy of you, either.”
“Mom, that’s ridiculous. You’re a great mom, and Dad isstill madly in love with you. It’s not the same.”
“Isn’t it? I often get distracted by the fact that you lookso much like your dad, I think you’re another him. But you’re not. You’re somuch like me, baby boy. I thought because you didn’t have the same problems asme growing up, you would be different. But I’ve learned some patterns areingrained in us from birth. It doesn’t matter how much love and support youhave, you’ll never be perfect, and that’s okay. Did I tease you too much? Ineed to know if you thought I was disappointed that you weren’t smarter.Because I wasn’t. You’re exactly who you need to be, who this family has alwaysneeded you to be.”
She must have been terrified because there was actualemotion in his mom’s voice. Not that she was cold. She wasn’t. She loved herkids, her husband, her family, her friends and her gun, Bertha, and in thatorder. Everything else could burn for all his mom cared. She was focused on afew people.
His dad was the opposite. He was sunny and happy and alwayswilling to lend a hand.
“You never made me feel dumb. I did that to myself,” hereplied.
“I teased you,” she said, biting her bottom lip.
He couldn’t stand the fact that she was sitting therewondering if she’d fucked up. He knew that was what she was doing because itwas what he would do. He didn’t need an imperfect childhood to haveself-doubts. “And I would know you were pissed at me if you didn’t. Mom, thisisn’t your fault. My problems with Lou go back a long way. I didn’t fit in withher when she was in school.” How to explain this? “I couldn’t keep up, and Ithink if she hadn’t been so close to my cousins, it would have ended there. I wouldhave thought she was a nice girl, but not for me. Then we kept getting thrownin together and we fit, but not all the time. I don’t know. Every way I thinkto explain it makes me look like the asshole who strung her along. But thatwasn’t what I was trying to do.”
“Are you sure about that? Tell me what you think would havehappened when you left the Army. When you come home and work for McKay-Taggart,did you see yourself alone or was that when things would be right between youand Lou? When it was right for your timeline?”
“See, right there. Asshole. But I can’t convince anyone thatI didn’t plan that far. I’m not smart enough to have a damn plan, Mom. I neverhave a plan. I only knew I couldn’t hurt her. I wasn’t sure I could love herthe way she needs to be loved, and I wasn’t sure she could handle what I needfrom her. I can be…”
She held up a hand. “You don’t have to say it. I understand.In that you do take after your father and your uncles.”
“Okay, that’s gross, but it’s also true. She’s never had anaggressive bone in her body. She’s always been the quiet, sweet one no one elseseemed to see for anything except how big her brain is.”
“She was a treasure for you to hoard,” his mom pointed out.“Because you’re a possessive little shit from time to time. It’s okay. So am I.Again, I thought it was because my childhood was so deprived of real affectionthat when I found it, I had to hold it close. I sometimes got super jealouswhen women would hit on your dad.”
“Well, one of those women erased his memory for years andcaused you to think he was dead for a long time,” he pointed out. “You do havecause, Mom. I don’t, but you’re right. She was mine and it was safe, and nowit’s not and she’s still fucking mine but it’s different. And it probablydoesn’t matter because she doesn’t believe me. I offered to marry her.”
His mom winced. “Too soon, kid. She probably thinks you’rein a trauma response.”
Well, at least his mother could figure Lou out. “I’m not ina trauma response.”
“You could be. If I were Lou, that’s what I would worryabout. You pushed her away for so long. It’s going to be hard to get her to letyou in. You’ve done some damage there.”
The words were a kick in the gut. “I didn’t mean to dodamage. I was trying so hard not to. But she held back on me, too. She assuredme the life she wanted was not something I could be a part of. She never saidthe words, but we both knew I wouldn’t fit in where she needed to go. Exceptapparently where she needed to go was with my death-defying cousins, and rightin the middle of it. She knifed that dude so perfectly I almost cried alittle.”
