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Tasha was moving on with her life. Tasha was gettingmarried, and she would happily settle down with the man of her dreams, and theman of Lou’s dreams was standing right there and she had no idea how to reachout for him.
“You should get some sleep, LouLou.Don’t look so terrified. I’m not going to jump you. I promise.”
She breathed a sigh of relief. Sort of. He was waking up. Hewas coming out of the trauma response.
“Unless you want me to.” His voice went deep, and his gazesuddenly seemed hot. “We could make that our first scene. Consensualnon-consent is a bit advanced, but I can make it happen.”
And her pulse was racing. “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea,TJ.”
“I agree. We should start with something more basic,” he replied.“I was thinking we would have some fun on the equipment. Find our style. Alittle bondage. Some spanking. I’m going to be honest. I’ll probably stay awayfrom the violet wand. Too much like a taser, but we could try a TENS if youlike.”
Every word sent her into a weird panic cycle. First, therewas arousal and curiosity. She’d always wanted to know what it felt like. Andthen she realized TJ would see her naked and self-consciousness struck. “Ididn’t mean that. I meant the whole club thing. The whole D/s thing might be abad idea.”
“Why?” He moved in but kept a few feet from her. Hishandsome face settled into a deep grimace. “I thought you were going to atleast give me that. I know you’re going to keep dating, but I thought I wouldhave a shot. And don’t tell me I’m going to wake up. I know that’s what’s goingthrough your head, but it’s not happening. You’re dating. I get that. I won’tstop you. I only ask that I get a chance, too. If you won’t let us playtogether, then we could go on a real date.”
That seemed even worse. At least at the club they would haveboundaries and rules. There were plenty of people she knew who kept theirrelationships to the club. TJ would eventually leave and life would go back tonormal, and if she didn’t have a boyfriend and he wasn’t involved, they couldsee each other at the club when he came home on leave.
Yes. That was why she’d gone this way in the first place.“Okay, but I think we should definitely start slow. Uhm, the non-con shouldwait until we know each other better.”
His lips curled up. “It’s weird to think we don’t know eachother. I know you better than anyone. At least parts of you. But now we get toexplore this part.”
He sounded like he wanted to, like he was excited about it.“But I’m serious about continuing to date. I need to look around. I need todiscover what’s out there for me.”
His eyes went puppy-dog sad, and it took everything she hadnot to hug him. “Because you don’t trust me to stay.”
She had to be honest with him. If they were actually goingto explore this thing between them, honesty was going to be necessary. “BecauseI don’t trust any of this.”
He moved in again, his hand coming out to brush back herhair. “And when you wake up a year from now and I’m still begging you to staywith me? What will you do then?”
He was pushing her, and she was too tired to think. “We’llcross that bridge when we come to it. Like I said, you can stay in Tasha’sroom. I think she already changed the sheets, but I’ll leave these for you justin case.”
She turned to go but he stopped her, reaching for her armand bringing her back to him. “I’m sorry. It’s too fast. I’ll be good. We’refriends like we always were, but we’re adding the club. That’s all. I’m single.You’re single. We’re both interested in the lifestyle but don’t have playpartners. We can handle this and still be friends.”
She wasn’t so sure of that, but she also couldn’t deny thatshe would regret it if she never spent a night with him. “Charlotte is settingme up with some men she thinks I should meet. I’m planning on going on thosedates. You’re okay with that?”
“Nope. I’m nauseated by that, but that is the last I’ll sayabout it because I put us in this position. I will support you and care for youeven if you don’t pick me in the end. You’ll always be my best friend. If youfind a man you love, I will bury this feeling so it never makes himuncomfortable, but I need to be in your life.”
Why couldn’t he have said these words to her even a fewmonths before? Why had he only said them after she’d finally pushed away fromhim? Was that it? Was it the chase he was interested in? Would she find herselfright back where she was once she gave in?
“Again, I’m pushing when I should be patient. I’m sorry,” hesaid quietly, letting go of her arm. He started to move past her but stopped.“Hey, could you look at my back? I’m worried one of the wounds opened up.”
Her whole heart seemed to soften and worry infused her. He’dbeen hurt, tortured, and she was throwing him into a room and walking away.
“Of course. Let’s get to where we have some light.” She followedhim to Tasha’s room. Like the others in the house, it was small but cozy.Tasha’s room was ultra-feminine. Masculine TJ looked out of place in thepastel-walled room with its queen-sized bed and dainty furnishings. There werefamily pictures in frames around the room, and ones of Tasha and her friends.TJ sat down on the fluffy comforter and gave her his back.
She breathed out as she studied him. There were welts allover, bruises that showed how brutal they’d been with him. “Are you sure weshouldn’t get you to a doctor?”
“Aidan’s coming over in the morning. Cooper’s got some medictraining, and he says it’s all superficial. The shakes have stopped for themost part,” he replied, sitting calmly while she brushed her fingers over theplaces where his skin had singed. “I was lucky. They wanted to keep me inpretty good condition. I think they figured out torturing someone I loved wouldbe more efficient than hurting me. But we were lucky they didn’t start in onyou.”
She hadn’t been worried about that. “I’ve been tased before.I know it hurts, but I could have handled it.”
He turned. “Who the fuck tased you?”
There was the protective bear. He wasn’t thinking straight.“I’m on a CIA team, and I do go into the field. I’ve had all the training, andsome of that included how to survive an interrogation. As to who tased me, itwas some chick from Langley. I can’t remember if she was a Black or a Green.One of the colors we use even on ourselves at times. She spent about six weeksgoing over all the horrible things that could happen to us and how to counterthem. Including how to use a cyanide pill to take all those secrets to ourgraves. She was a sadist, I think. It disturbed her to no end that Kala smiledthrough all of it. I think it might have been Kala’s favorite part oftraining.”
He turned, and there was fire in his eyes. “I want to knowwho she was.”
She needed to find a way to make him reasonable about this.“TJ, she was Agency. I’m Agency. She was good at her job, which was training usto deal with things that could happen in the field. You got trained, too, andnot all of it was fun.”
