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I freeze, wineglass halfway to my lips. “What?” Thoughts race through my mind. Why would he buy that place? He’s not moving home. “Probably for his sister or his parents.”
“There’s more, Clover.” Lily hands me the screen. It’s a text from Miranda, the real estate agent.
“He’s accepted a job as the high school baseball coach?” I stare at the screen, wondering if the words are real. Maybe I’ve forgotten how to read. I look back at my sisters, my gaze questioning.
“He’s moving back.” Azalea’s face is full of sympathy, her green eyes so like my own.
“No.” I stand, no longer able to sit still. While I pace my living room, my sisters watch my movements. Azalea still looks sympathetic but Lily’s face shines with glee. “What?”
“He’s moving back. And he wants you back.”
“No, he doesn’t.” My voice shakes as I remember the store. The kiss to the back of my neck. He’d used to do that all the time and I’d lean back into him.
“He bought a house on land like you’ve always wanted,” Lily says as she starts ticking reasons off of her fingers. “He’s accepted a job at the high school so he’s obviously staying. He watched you at the party the other night like he’d die if you left his sight.”
“Stop it. He did not.” I push my hair away from my face and sigh. “This is ridiculous. He left and then didn’t come back, not once.”
“You broke his heart, Clover. What did you expect? Even if he understood the reasons behind your decision, knowing you loved your family, it still had to cut deep.” Lily plays devil’s advocate and I want to be mad, but I see the truth in what she’s saying.
“Then we broke each other’s hearts. What’s the point in going back to that? Taking that risk?” I glance to Azalea, hoping she’ll take my side.
“I can’t give you an answer.” Azalea looks at me. “It’s your heart and your past. You have to make the decision to risk it again. You have to decide if he’s worth it.”
My chest squeezes painfully at that. My sisters leave, each going back to their own lives, leaving me with my thoughts racing. They know I need space to organize my thoughts, to deal with the revelation that Sutton is moving back. The little cottage I live in feels like it’s shrinking around me, like the entire town is shrinking around me now that he’s back. Thinking back to high school, I realize it’s the happiest I’ve ever been. If I’d known what was going to happen, I would’ve still fallen in love with Sutton, would’ve still opened my heart to him knowing he was going to leave after high school. In a way I’d known then.
That doesn’t mean I want to open my heart again to get it broken again. It’s been ten long years in which we’ve both changed. There’s no way we’re the same people. Our likes and dislikes have probably changed, our habits and idiosyncrasies. How does he even know we’ll get along? So many things can go wrong. We could end up hating each other. We could end up together for a while then breaking up again which will be worse than last time because apparently he’s here to stay.
Not only that but how can I compare to the women he’s dated?
Freaking supermodels.
He’s going to realize I’m still mostly the same person. I’m going to bore him. Home is going to bore him and then he’ll go back to his supermodels and famous baseball life. I’ll be left behind again.
I go through the motions of picking up, of getting ready for tomorrow, and realize my thoughts aren’t any clearer. They’re still as muddy and twisted as ever. I climb into bed and pull up Sutton’s Instagram through Lily’s account (I have the password for just such an occasion) and torture myself by scrolling through his posts. He hasn’t posted anything since he came home but the posts before then tell the story of a playboy baseball player. Parties, movie premieres, award shows. Jet-setting to exotic places with exotic people. I do notice one thing and I scroll from further back to the present. The smiles on his face start to look fake, the look in his eyes becoming bored and less lively.
Could he really be moving back for good? Could he have gotten bored with that lifestyle?
From what I knew of Sutton back then, he’d always been a family man. We used to talk about wanting kids, of him and I living happily ever after here in our hometown. I knew then he wanted to go pro, but we always talked about after.
Why didn’t we keep in touch? Why didn’t we continue to at least talk? Why did he feel like he had to stay away? Because of me?
I think back to the night I never want to hold in my mind. The night I turned him down. It had been hot, the summer night a blanket around us.
"Come with me, Clover. It won't be long. I'll play for college and then pros for a few years. We can come back home after that.” Sutton trailed a hand down my arm as we lay on the picnic blanket. The stars twinkle overhead and my stomach dips as I close my eyes and wish we can rewind the last few moments. I turn my head to meet Sutton's gaze.
”You know I can’t.” I sit up, feeling too exposed lying next to him.
"What's holding you back? Your family will understand if you come with me.” Sutton sits up with me, his jaw hardening.
”I don't want to leave home. I don't want to go away to college, Sutton. You know this." I pull away from him, my stomach churning. “You’ve always known this.”
”I thought you’d change your mind.”
”I didn’t.”
”You’re not being fair, Clover.” Sutton rakes a hand through his hair.
”Neither are you.”
