AllFreeNovel
Share Us
The past can't control the future. I won't let it. If Samantha is dead set on never speaking to me, never being around, that's fine by me. I know I fucked up but she did too. Yet, she refuses to take responsibility for any part she's played in the rift that grows wider and wider between us.
I have a daughter to think about now. A child that I'm not willing or want to live without. I've missed enough already. I refuse to miss any more of her life. I want to teach her everything I can and be there for her in any way she'll let me.
Chapter Seven
Samantha
The funeral visitation goes by in a blur of tears and condolences from people I don’t remember. It was almost as if I was looking in from the outside. I was there but separate.
I stand at the graveside listening to the words coming from the minister. He’s the same man who performed Mom’s service, Grandma’s service, and even Grandpa’s. What is he, one hundred years old now?
A small giggle slips from my lips at the thought. Matt looks at me with concern. Oli squeezes my hand in a show of solidarity. Shane stands off to the side with Dakota.
We told her the truth this morning and I can’t be certain if the hysteria I feel bubbling up in me is from that or the funeral service going on around me. Perhaps it’s a bit of both. Dakota took the news well. It was as if she had been with her dad all along. Only I know better. Shane knows better.
There’s a thing we do in Oklahoma where each person places a flower on the casket just before it’s lowered into the ground. While I am expected to go first, I find my feet won’t move. Shane sees my hesitation and steps over to me.
“Come on, Sunshine. We’ll do this together.” He tells me quietly, putting his hand on my lower back.
I want to move away from him. He’s the last person I want support from. The problem is, I don’t have the strength to remove myself from his touch.
Why? Because just that slight touch on my back fills me with so much comfort, I crave it I realize. How can six years have gone by, but I still feel every nuance of him as if it were yesterday?
Giving in, I let him lead me forward. I take a deep red rose and place it on top of the now-closed casket. When I pull my hand away, I feel a sharp sting in my palm. I look down and see droplets of blood seeping to the surface of my skin from the thorns still on the stem.
How fitting, I think. On the day it becomes cemented into my mind that my dad is gone, the universe reminds me that I’ll live on without him. I can’t do this.
As soon as I have the thought, my legs lock, and my head swims. I feel myself swaying. I know I’m going to fall and I don’t even have the wherewithal to stop it from happening.
Just when I think I’m going to hit the ground in front of all these people, powerful arms catch me. I close my eyes against the dizziness. An arm moves down to the back of my legs and I’m lifted into the air.
I wrap my arms around a neck and bury my face in a muscled chest. I know it’s Shane by the smell. When I inhale, I get a hint of leather and citrus. It’s the way he’s always smelled. I've never smelled it anywhere but on him. A signature scent that calms me.
I can hear voices coming from behind us as Shane carries me to the car. I know what to expect. Those closest to the family and the ranch will all gather at the house for refreshments. It will be another deluge of condolences and empty platitudes. None of it matters. It can’t bring my dad back.
I sigh as Shane sits me in the car and buckles my seat belt. He sits beside me. Once he’s buckled and told the driver he may leave, he pulls me across the seat and wraps his arms back around me.
“I’ve got you, sunshine.”
Promises that he won’t keep continue to leave his lips. Again, empty platitudes. We’ve gone down this road before. He made even bigger promises then and broke the most important ones. How can I trust him to keep these?
I’m suddenly so tired, so weak. I don’t want to do any of the things that come next, and I’m itching to run. But what about my baby girl? Would that be fair to her?
The events of the morning took their toll, and I fell asleep in Shane’s embrace. I wake to voices arguing. I’m disoriented, trying to determine where I am.
Looking around me, I’m surrounded by pictures of my childhood. Shane must have carried me in and laid me on the sofa. Too many memories surround me here, and I jerk my eyes away from the frames on the walls.
There shouldn’t be anyone in the house. Everyone was to gather down at the communal building where we always hold special meals for the entire ranch. So who’s fighting in my dad’s home?
I get up on unsteady legs. I don’t know what is more important at this moment, getting water for my dry throat or following the voices I hear. It doesn’t matter, as they’re coming from the same direction I need to go.
I shake myself out of my stupor and slink along the short hallway. When I get to the kitchen, I stop short of entering. “Why are you even here, Autumn?” Matt asks angrily. “We did not invite you.”
“It’s a funeral. I don’t need an invitation. And even if I did, I’m here for Shane. For support,” Autumn replies nasally.
I scrunch my nose at the sound that reminds me of nails on a chalkboard.
“You’re good at that, aren’t you?” I hear Oli mumble.
