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“You should have let us know when your plane was arriving. One of us would have picked you up.”
“We drove,” I tell her.
“All that way?” She asks. “You must have left…”
“Not long after you called.” I interrupt. Ellen looks at me in surprise.
“Darlin’, you must be exhausted. Why don’t you go take a nap and I’ll take this little lady to the paddock to see the horses.” Manuel offers.
Fear overtakes me at the thought of Dakota being away from me. I know I’m being paranoid. Nick isn’t here and Dakota is safe with Manuel, but after the past six years, it’s tough to let her out of my sight.
I can see the cogs turning in Manuel’s head as he watches me closely. I feel as though I may vomit. Just as he always does, he puts two and two together.
“She’ll be fine. I’ll protect her with my life, Samantha. You know I will.” He assures me quietly. “I won’t let anyone near her.”
“Mama, please,” Dakota begs. “I wanna see the horsies.”
I look at Manuel one more time. He nods his head, letting me know again that my baby is safe with him.
I crouch down to look at my daughter. “Ok, baby. But you listen to Manuel and don’t leave his side, Okay?”
Manuel hugs me again while whispering in my ear, “We’re going to have a serious conversation later, baby girl.”
I don’t respond. There’s no need. If Manuel wants a conversation, he’ll get one. I won’t be able to deny him.
I head toward my old room, only to be stopped by Ellen. She points to the newer wing of the house. “Your daddy always hoped.” She explains without finishing her statement.
She doesn’t have to. Daddy always hoped I’d come back, and that I’d bring his granddaughter with me. Of course he did. It was always a topic of contention between us. We’d talk civilly until I said no to coming home.
And then the yelling would start. Once I was tired of that, I’d hang up without saying goodbye. That went on much too often, with both of us being too stubborn to give in to the other.
A jolt of guilt hits me square in the heart. I’ll never be able to tell him goodbye. I should have come home sooner.
It shouldn’t have taken Daddy dying to bring me back here; To finally put our family back together. Gah, the guilt. While I’m ecstatic to be away from Nick and that life, I’m terrified that I’ll never survive all this guilt gnawing at my insides.
I take in the surrounding extension. Instead of walking into the bedroom, I grab a throw off the chair and lay down on the sofa. I’ll see everything later. My mind drifts for a while before memories I’d much rather forget swarm my mind.
As I lay there wrapped in the throw, my head on a decorative pillow, I stumble through where it all went wrong. I contemplate what I could have done to make things better between Shane and me. I conclude that there isn’t much I could have done to make the relationship work after everything, but I could have stayed.
I could have faced it all head-on. At least then, I wouldn’t have lived the last six years as I have. Love would have surrounded Dakota. She would have had her father. I fall asleep to pictures of them together as she grows. Shane would have been amazing with her. Will he even want to be a part of her life now?
When I finally fall asleep, it’s the memories that haunt my dreams.
I’ll never forget the first time I saw Shane. I was only seven years old, and he was almost fourteen. Mom had passed away a little over a year earlier and Dad had taken it upon himself to do more in the community, especially with troubled kids. He helped spearhead a program that allowed teenagers within the foster care system to work and make a wage they could save for when the time came that they aged out.
I don’t know what was different about the three boys who would eventually move in with us, but Daddy saw some sort of potential in them. He didn’t see it in any of the other kids he worked with. He once told me that one day, they’d help me run the ranch when he was gone.
I had seen the boys running around with Manuel for a few months before Dad announced they were moving in. I didn’t know where they were supposed to stay since our house wasn’t massive. Would they all share the guest room?
That’s exactly what they did for a time. While they were living in the big house with us, I became friends with Matt. He was nice to me and wouldn’t let the others pick on me, even if I was younger and smaller.
Oli was quiet and he never, ever smiled. Shane was the opposite of Oli. He was too loud. He was always fighting with other kids and always cursing at Dad. When it got bad, Shane would slam out of the house and go to the barn.
About a year after the boys were there, sirens and flashing lights coming in through my window woke me up. The barn was on fire.
It took what seemed like hours to put the fire out. Dad stormed into the house, Shane on his heels. I saw the ash on his face and clothes and the burns on his hands.
Dad led him to the kitchen where he put ointment on them and wrapped them. Dad not once raised his voice as he tore into Shane about how stupid it was to be smoking in the barn. He seemed more disturbed about what Shane was smoking instead that he was smoking at all.
