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The kiss is over before it can go too far, Shane ripping himself away from me. “Fuck,” he groans. “What are you doing to me?” He asks.
I’m at a loss for words. I gave him no indication that I wanted his kiss, but I mean, I do want them. So bad.
It’s just that I thought he didn’t, and his words back that up. He doesn’t want me. Well, he does. He just doesn’t want to want me. I can see it written all over his face. He’s pissed, and he hates himself for letting the kisses happen. He hates me just a little more as well.
“I should go.” He says to himself and turns away from me. He makes it almost to the door before he thinks of something and turns back. “We'll talk tomorrow.” His tone brooks no argument.
Later that night, after having a couple of drinks, I snuggle up on the oversized sofa and go to sleep. My dreams start off as they often do, seeing Shane and me when we were younger. They quickly morph to tonight and what could have happened. I see it all in my mind. Then the dream morphs again. This time, I see my daughter and her father both on the ground, surrounded by blood.
Nick looms over me, gun held to my head. “I told you not to run, little bird.” The last thing I see before I jolt awake is the sparks from the gun firing directly into my forehead.
I jolt awake, sweat clinging to my skin and my breaths coming in short spurts. I jump up and rush to check on Dakota. Seeing she's sleeping peacefully, I grab a bottle of water and step outside. I can't get myself to calm down so I walk. Before I realize where I'm going, I end up by the lake.
I hear footsteps behind me, so I turn. Oli stands at the end of the dock looking at me. "Couldn't sleep?" He asks.
I shake my head and look back out over the water. Being with Oli is nice. He's never been one for idle conversations, so he's happy to sit with me in silence.
I'm content for a few minutes until Oli sits right next to me. I jerk at his nearness.
"What was that?" Oli asks.
"Nothing. Sorry, I just had a bad dream. I guess it hasn't fully gone away." I respond.
"Bullshit, Sammy. I know better. I see the same thing in your eyes that I see in mine when I look in the mirror. Spill."
As if my brain has to obey his order, I tell him everything that's happened in the past six years. Oli looks half haunted/half disgusted by the time I'm finished spilling it all. I know the disgust isn't directed at me, but at the things I've been through.
"You can't say anything Oli. Promise me." I beg.
Oli shakes his head. "I won't say a word. But you should tell Shane."
"No." I force out. "I can't."
"Why?" He asks, tilting his head.
"He already hates me. This will only make it worse. I won't be able to survive him thinking of me as a whore."Oli snorts which pisses me off. "Are you laughing at me?"
"You honestly think that Shane would look at you differently. That he would think you're a whore for doing what you had to do to survive. If that's the case, Sammy, then you don't know anything about the man you married."
"It's been six years. We've both changed." I argue.
"No. The circumstances changed, but deep down you're still the same sixteen-year-old who fell in love with the older cowboy with a chip on his shoulder. Shane is still the same cowboy that wanted to give you everything and worked his ass off to be a better person all because he thought you deserved better than what he could offer." Oli says quietly.
Oli stands to walk away. I grab his wrist to halt him. "You said you see the same thing in my eyes that are in your own. What do you see?"
"That's a conversation for another day and it involves Matt and Shane as well. It's not fully my story to tell."
I sit and watch Oli stride away as if he has no worries in the world. Except I know he does. He claims Shane has a chip on his shoulder, but all three boys do. Matt is just better at hiding his. He uses smiles and humor to cover his. Shane uses hard work and dedication to those he loves. What the fuck does Oli use? Even though I've known Oli for years, he's still such a mystery to me.
I spend several more minutes sitting by the lake before I finally stand. I wipe the dirt from my ass as I walk back toward the house, determined to get back to sleep. Tomorrow is the time to help my little girl plant some roots. We're starting with school.
Chapter Fourteen
Shane
What the hell was I thinking when I kissed her? I let my dick override my brain. Or was it my heart that hasn’t quit beating rapidly since we were out to dinner as a family?
A family. Is that what we are? Was that Wayne’s goal when he wrote the will?
