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I know I have to go home at some point, but part of me wants to do exactly what Samantha did six years ago and run. If I split out, I wonder if I could start fresh somewhere else, or will the pain of losing Samantha follow me wherever I go? I huff a breath before knocking back the last drink of the beer I’ve been nursing for the last few hours.
A hand tipped with red fingernails runs down my arm. I turn on my stool to find Autumn smiling at me. “Hey, lover.” She says, sexily.
I take her in. She’s wearing a short red dress that matches her nails. The fabric clings to her curves, her long legs seemingly endless beneath the dress. She wears a pair of stiletto shoes that defy gravity. Her makeup is dark and sultry, making me wonder for just a second what has her dressed up in the middle of the day.
Her eyes are glassy and, as she leans in, I can smell the whiskey on her breath. She’s already drunk, and it’s not even one o’clock. This is one reason it’s so easy to walk away after we have our fun. When I decided not to drink to the point of forgetting where I was, I also decided I wouldn’t give much time to someone who didn’t do the same.
“Hey, beautiful,” I respond automatically.
I’ve always called her beautiful, for as long as we’ve known each other. At one time, it was true. Now the twenty-six-year-old woman looks more like she’s forty. The years have not been the kindest to her.
Between her rough home life and the drugs she used to take, it’s easy to see the wear and tear on her body. Perhaps that’s why she wears so much makeup, to cover the signs of her past. Regardless of all that, Autumn has always been a sweet girl.
Autumn was with me the day my life changed. She was there when Samantha disappeared. She’s been a good friend who helped me pick up some pieces of my life and helped me realize that not competing in the wild ring wasn’t the end of the world.
I’ve been there for her in return. I helped her get into rehab so that she could get off the drugs that were causing so much damage. When she needed out of her childhood home, I was there to help her find a place.
My best friends, Matt and Oli, don’t like her at all, but I think that has more to do with their loyalty to Samantha than anything else. I’ve never asked them what they have against her. It’s not any of my business.
They don’t keep me from fucking her. They just warned me about getting attached. As if I would. They should know better. I love my boys, but they need to look at their own lives before getting involved in mine.
“Are you up for some fun?” Autumn asks, pulling me from my musings.
I sigh, “I can’t. I really should be home. With Wayne passing, I’m needed there.”
Autumn’s eyes narrow before she sets her face into a calm mask again. “I understand. You know I’m here if you need someone to talk to or take your mind off of things.”
Her hand lowers toward my crotch. I grab it before it can reach its destination. “I’m good. Really. I’m just going to head home. The boys aren’t taking Wayne’s loss so well. I should be with them.”
I stand, causing Autumn to stumble back a little. I reach out and clasp her arm to keep her steady. When I lean down, she tilts her head back, expecting a kiss. Instead of fusing our lips together, I kiss her on the forehead. I say my goodbyes, making sure she has a ride home before I step out into the midday sun and head to my truck.
I rest my head on my hands that are wrapped around the steering wheel. I try but fail at preparing myself for the reunion I know is inevitable, and meeting the man that replaced me.
I’m not ready for this. I don’t know that I ever will be. It’s not just saying goodbye to the man that gave me a chance at a better life. That’s hell all on its own. It’s knowing that I’m about to watch my world keep on moving without me.
Does the man she’s with fuck her better than I did? Does he treat her better, provide things I couldn’t? So many doubts run through my mind.
Mostly I doubt myself. The self-loathing will eat me alive if I let it. I refuse to be that person- pining over a woman who decided long ago I wasn’t good enough for her.
I may not have been enough for Samantha, but I’ve been more than enough for the women who have come after her. I may not have been able to ride on the circuit anymore, but I could keep the ranch running alongside Wayne. More than that, I could update the technology we used to track the livestock.
I mainstreamed sales and worked from the time the sun came up, took classes after the sun went down to be everything the ranch needed, and more. I worked to make Wayne proud. And if I’m honest with myself, I may have even worked to be the man Samantha deserved.
I finally turned the key in the ignition. When the truck roars to life, I put it in gear and pull out of the gravel parking lot, kicking up rocks and dirt as I go. All I see is a cloud of dust behind me.
The drive home doesn’t take me long, and when I arrive there’s an unfamiliar car sitting in the drive. It’s a late-model Ford Bronco and I whistle as I take it in. It’s a beautiful piece of machinery. Apparently, Samantha has done well for herself. Or is she using her new man for his money?
A girl that looked like she did could have easily landed a rich, older man. Is it bad that I kind of hope she got uglier over the last six years? Maybe grew a mole on her chin or gained a few hundred pounds? I shake my head. That sounded so petty.
I need to be a bigger person. Hopefully, she won’t be here long. The funeral is on Saturday. If she plans to stay for the will to be read, that should take place on Monday or Tuesday. I’m sure she plans to stay and get whatever she can.
So, unless Wayne left her the ranch, which I don’t think he did- she wanted nothing to do with it- she’ll be gone within a few days. If he left it solely to her, that could be more problematic.
I’m assuming she’ll want to sell and I’m prepared for that. I have been saving my salary from the ranch since I was fourteen. And the salary I make from training riders for the last four years.
The plan is to offer her a large sum of cash and ten percent of the profits from the cattle for the next ten years. Hopefully, she’ll bite and take my offer should it come to that. In the meantime, I’ll have to make myself scarce. There’s no way I can be around her and keep my temper in check.
The problem is that I’ve already been told that I’m expected for dinner tonight. I can’t decline the order. Ellen is the closest thing to a mom I’ve had most of my life. She has fed me and cared for me since I moved onto the property when I was fourteen and a troubled kid. She helped teach me how to treat a woman. Sadly, those teachings didn’t help with the one woman I wanted them to.
