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I keep thinking about Samantha. I want nothing more than to call her and make her come home because I need her by my side. A small voice in my head reminds me that without a career in the rodeo, I have nothing to offer the girl that I love.
I can’t give her the life I promised. The hope I felt only this morning dwindles quickly. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
Samantha will start school in the fall and I’ll be in the middle of therapy sessions. I can’t work until I’m healed, even on the ranch. I could dip into my savings, but that will only last for so long and I don’t have any other skills except those Wayne and Manuel taught me over the years.
Part of me believes I should end things with Samantha. I could let her move on with her life without me. She still has a bright future ahead of her.
The other part knows I never will. I can’t live without her. She’s the reason I wake up in the mornings. She’s the light of my life. My everything. Without her, I’m nothing.
A knock on the bathroom door brings me back to the present. “Shane, man, let’s go,” Matt calls from the other side of the door.
He’s been excited since he found out that Samantha was coming home. I can imagine him bouncing around in the common area of the house. He’s just waiting for the moment he can rush to the big house.
He was always close to Samantha. I was jealous of the easy friendship they had in the beginning. That was until I realized something fated them to always be friends and he wasn’t standing in my way.
I tug a towel off the little rod hanging outside the shower door and dry myself off. I dress slowly, knowing that it will get on Matt’s nerves. He’s dying to see Samantha.
When Ellen called me earlier to let me know she had arrived, the boys and I were all together. Matt was champing at the bit to rush home, but Ellen forbade us from coming at that moment. She claimed that Samantha had driven all night and was taking a nap. She even threatened bodily harm if any of us showed up and woke her.
It didn’t matter to me. I’m in no hurry to see the woman who left me high and dry six years ago. When Matt calls out again, I curse. I look at myself in the mirror, praying that I don’t look as nervous as I feel.
I don’t want to show Samantha any emotion. When I’m satisfied that I look good in my flannel shirt and distressed jeans, my hair combed into that deliberate messy look, and that my eyes are clear from the redness of the beers I nursed earlier, I finally leave the bathroom.
As soon as I go to the common area, Matt bounds over to me. He’s like a golden retriever, this man. He’s thirty-two years old but acts to be about twelve.
“Can we go now?” He huffs at me. “It took you for-fucking-ever in there.”
I roll my eyes at him and sigh. “You didn’t have to wait on me,” I inform him.
“Course I did. If I didn’t, you’d have skipped out on dinner. I don’t wanna deal with Mama Ellen’s wrath.”
Since all of us guys moved onto the ranch when we were younger-all us coming from broken and fucked up homes- we took to calling Ellen, mama. She beamed at us when she first heard it, so we kept calling her that. Ellen and her husband could never have children of their own, so she took to playing mother or grandmother to all the kids on the ranch.
Matt pushes me out the door, and I have no choice but to move or he will trample me. Maybe that would be better. Dammit. All I have to do is picture the look on Ellen’s face if I don’t come to dinner and my resolve crumbles all over again. I can’t let that woman down.
I follow Matt reluctantly up the small hill between the old barn and the big house. It only takes us a few minutes before we reach the sprawling porch. We don’t knock before opening the door and stepping into the foyer.
We have never knocked on the door. The one time I did, I got fussed at being told that I was family. Though I may live in the barn, the door was always open to me. Matt and Oli were told the same.
The house is warm, telling me that the oven still hasn’t cooled down from the delicious dinner Ellen has cooked. I can smell the fresh yeast rolls and my stomach rumbles in delight.
When I see the spread of food on the dining table, I drool. There’s fried chicken, grilled asparagus, mashed potatoes, buttered carrots, gravy, and those wonderful rolls. I just know there’s a homemade dessert sitting on the kitchen counter cooling.
There are enough plates for all of us, including Samantha and one more. Seeing the table set just confirms my suspicion that she didn’t come alone. I can’t be certain though, as I don’t see her. I don’t see Oli either.
“Sit. Sit.” Ellen orders, motioning to the two chairs that became ours the day we moved in.
Will Samantha take the seat at the head of the table? No one else will be if I can help it. I know nothing about the man she’s moved on with, but I know he’s not good enough to sit in Wayne’s seat.
Samantha’s seat has been empty for six years. Wayne’s for a little over one. He tried too hard to keep eating with us all, even if it was only one bite, but we all saw what a toll it took on him. He exerted so much energy just holding his head up most days.
He was such a stubborn man, though, refusing a nurse. I think it meant a lot to Ellen that he trusted her enough to care for him. In the end, we didn’t have a choice but to call in hospice.
Ellen just couldn’t handle everything on her own. We all watched as day after day, Wayne just kept getting weaker and weaker. Samantha was lucky in that respect. She didn’t have to watch her father fade away.
I shake my head to clear away the thoughts plaguing me. I’m still staring at the chair at the head of the table when Manuel yells. “Oli, Sammy, and Dakota, dinner!”
My head snaps up. Oli is the first to enter, a rare smile gracing his face as he laughs at something I’m not privy to. Samantha comes in next. I take her in from head to toe.
