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Fir blinked. “Obviously.”
“Just wanted to make sure.”
I leaned in, closing the distance between us. Fir’s eyes flicked to my lips and back up. Right. He was waiting for me. Angling my head, I moved in and pressed my lips against his. He froze, then relaxed and opened his mouth. My teeth clanked against his, and I retreated and tried again. No teeth this time, and I slipped my tongue into his mouth.
The kiss was anything but smooth. Our teeth kept clashing, and we bumped noses more than once. My coordination was off, but so was his, and the awkwardness seemed to intensify with each attempt. Our body language mirrored our discomfort, stiff and hesitant, neither of us able to find a natural rhythm in our interaction.
I pulled away. What was going wrong? Why was I so unsure of myself? I’d hooked up countless times, so why couldn’t I get my act together now?
“Is everything okay?” Fir asked.
“Yeah.” My voice wavered a little. “I don’t want to mess this up.”
Fir reached up and touched my cheek. “I know. Keep going.”
My heart ached for him. He needed this. I wanted to focus on him and what he needed to get from this encounter rather than on my pleasure. For all I knew, he had little sexual experience other than with Samuel. Yes, he’d said he’d had sex since his husband died, but only a few times. He was vulnerable. Fragile. I leaned in for another kiss, this time trying to be gentler, more cautious.
Frustration built within me as our kisses still lacked the passion and connection I’d hoped for. My thoughts raced. How could I change the situation and make it work? How could I be more present, more in tune with Fir’s needs? I was holding back on some level, unable to let go and be myself.
“Let’s take a break.” Fir stepped back.
Dammit. “Okay.”
My chest tightened with disappointment. As we stood there, the inches separating us might as well have been miles. I was failing us both, and I couldn’t figure out why. I wanted to kindle the spark I’d imagined between Fir and me, but each attempt only drove us further apart.
Fir released a heavy sigh, his impatience palpable. “Tomás, I appreciate you’re trying to be gentle with me, but I need more.” He looked at me, his eyes filled with a blend of frustration and desire. “I want your passion. I need you to be yourself like you would be with anyone else.”
Same, but the problem was that he wasn’t like anyone else I’d ever fucked. Still, I had to make more of an effort, for Fir’s sake. “Let’s try this again.”
As we moved closer, our lips met in a hungry kiss. No clacking teeth or bumpy noses, and hope sparked inside me, along with a swell of desire. See? I could do this. We could do this. We just had to get over that initial awkwardness.
He tasted sweet, like he’d had some sugary snack or dessert before I’d shown up. I lazily roamed his mouth, taking my time to explore. He pressed his lean body against mine, and I hesitated for a moment but then trailed my hands down his body, over the curve of his hips and the firmness of his ass. His body fit perfectly against mine as our tongues danced as if we were puzzle pieces put together.
“Touch me, Tomás,” Fir said, his voice breathless and needy. “Don’t hold back.”
“Sorry,” I murmured.
Fir sighed again, his expression softening. “Tomás, I know you’re worried about me, but I need you to trust I can handle this. I want you. All of you. I can take it.”
We kissed again, and I pulled him tight against my body. I tried my best to give Fir everything he desired. My hands became bolder, my kisses more intense, but a part of me remained trapped behind the wall of my self-consciousness. And my cock seemed to agree, as it didn’t rise beyond half-mast—not a problem I’d ever had. Why was it not cooperating? Mãe de Deus, this whole thing was a goddamn disaster.
Fir let out an impatient growl.
“I’m trying, Fir. I can’t seem to shake my fear of hurting you.”
“Then try harder!” he snapped. “I want you to fuck me like you mean it, not like you’re afraid I’ll break!”
I felt like he’d slapped me in the face. “But I am afraid you’ll break!” I let go of him. “You’re not some random guy in a bar or club. I know you, and I know what you’ve been through. You can’t expect me to ignore all that and treat you like I would anyone else.”
Fir took two steps back, his face pale except for two bright-red spots on his cheeks. “I need you to let go completely, to get dirty and wild with me. And if you can’t do that…maybe this isn’t going to work.”
His words cut through me like a knife, and for a moment, I couldn’t breathe. In all my years of experience, I’d never been accused of not being sexually adequate for someone. The thought was both jarring and humiliating. “Wait, what?”
He raised his chin. “I need something more…intense. More raw. And I don’t think you’re able to let go and give me that.”
His words felt like a punch to the gut, and my face burned. I’d never been so embarrassed in my life. “Fine.” I struggled to keep my voice steady. “If that’s how you feel, then maybe you’re right. Maybe this won’t work.”
Before he could respond, I stormed out of his house, slamming the door behind me. I stalked toward my car and leaned my hands on the roof, my heart pounding. How could Fir dismiss me like that? The shock lingered, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth.
