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He smiled as he took my hand. “Oh, that’s a given. All parents do, me included. The wonderful thing about kids is that they’re not only resilient but forgiving as well, as long as we own our mistakes and apologize. You have a big, kind heart. I have faith in you.”
“More than I have in myself, I think. I know nothing about kids.”
“Let’s start by calling them teenagers, which they would appreciate.”
“Right.”
“And they’re mini-adults. Not really, but they can handle a lot of independence and responsibility. Part of that comes from me being away a lot, but they’re also good kids.”
We were sitting there, our hands laced together. People were watching us, even pointing at us, but all I could see was Fir. Like everything else was blurred, and he was the only thing in focus. “That’s a testament to how well Samuel and you raised them.”
Fir was quiet for a bit. “I’ll always have mixed feelings about that. About losing Samuel and being with you, I mean. I hope you can understand that.”
“I can. If he hadn’t passed away, we wouldn’t be together, but you’re deeply in love with him. I get that’s complicated.”
“You said ‘are.’” When I frowned, he said, “You said I am deeply in love with Samuel, not that I was. Most people talk about it in the past tense.”
“I don’t think you stop loving someone when they die. If nothing else, it makes you only more aware of what you lost and how much they meant to you.”
“Yeah.” He sounded a little choked.
“I also believe you can love more than one person and that love is infinite. It’s not like a pie where everyone gets less if it has to be shared with more people. There’s always enough love to love more people.”
“Oh, Tomás…” The look on his face made my heart sing.
But I wanted to be honest with him, and that meant bringing up something that had been heavily weighing on my mind. “Angie and I talked about codependency a lot.”
His face grew serious. “That can’t have been easy for you.”
“It wasn’t. I told her I was worried I wouldn’t be able to have a relationship with someone. Ever.”
“Tomás…”
I held up his hand. “Please, let me finish, meu amor. I need to say this.”
“Sorry.”
I took a fortifying breath. “I’m concerned I don’t know how to love without smothering someone. What I did for Tiago may have been out of love, but it wasn’t a healthy love. Who says I won’t do that again? I want this with you, Fir. I want this more than anything, but not if it means I would do the same to you as I did to Tiago.”
He waited until he was certain I was done, then slowly nodded. “I can see why that would worry you, but it’s not something I’m concerned about, and I’ll tell you why. I’m not Tiago. He started in a position of dependence on you because of his reading problems, and he’s always needed you to some degree. I don’t. I want to be with you, Tomás, I do, but I don’t need you. I won’t die without you. When Samuel died, I wondered how I would survive without him, but I did. It turned out I was so much stronger than I had given myself credit for. You won’t smother me, baby, because I won’t let you. And I promise you if I see you do things that would move us in that direction, I’ll speak up.”
A weight was lifted off my shoulders. “Thank you. I don’t ever want to hurt you.”
“You will at some point. That’s what happens in a relationship, even when people love each other. We’ll have fights and disagreements, and one or both of us will end up saying something we later regret. It’s part of life, of sharing your life with someone. But you forgive and talk it out and move on. See, the thing is that down the line, you don’t remember those moments. Samuel and I must’ve had big fights, but I can’t recall what they were about. In the end, it’s his love for me I remember, all the good and wonderful moments we had together. The bad stuff has just faded away.”
“That’s a beautiful thought. Thank you for sharing that perspective.”
We chatted about everything under the sun, and the time flew by. The bakery emptied, and I checked my watch. “It’s after five. We’d better go, or Collins will close.”
That had taken me some time to get used to again, the stores closing that early. Everything shut down at six in town, including Collins. They were only open longer on Friday night.
We strolled over to the grocery store and walked inside. Fir came to a halt. He made a strangled sound, pointing. I followed his finger and sighed. Oh god.
“That’s you on the cover,” Fir said, sounding a little choked.
“Yeah. Sorry.”
He burst out in laughter. “Don’t apologize. I think it’s hysterical. Look at you!”
