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“Tell me more.”
“After his heat, we returned to the way things had been before, barely speaking and me protecting him from a distance.”
“Was that at his request? Or yours?”
Adar frowned. “I don’t think it was at anyone’s request. We just fell back into that pattern, and I’m okay with that. I don’t want to put pressure on him, so the ball has to be in his court.”
“That’s a great approach on your end, Adar.”
He waved that praise away. “If that’s something I should be praised for, the bar is really low. Maybe it is, especially after what the Murphys did, but… I’d like to think this is not more than normal.”
“I agree, but the sad truth is that it’s still an exception. Not in this pack, but in the rest of the world, it is. Few alphas would have the patience you have with him.”
“Oliver’s worth it,” Adar said simply. “If I believe he’s my mate, I should also have the patience to wait until he’s ready for me. And in the meantime… In the meantime, I want to make sure I’m ready for him as well.”
“In what sense?”
Now came the hard part. “Are you familiar with impact play?”
Delton froze for only a second. “You’re talking about BDSM.”
“In a way, yes, though I wouldn’t necessarily call it that.”
“Is that something you’re into? Are you a sadist?”
His assumption wasn’t illogical, yet it stung. Every time Adar was reminded of the role he played in this, of the position he preferred, it hurt a little. That had to be his alpha pride. “Yes, I am into impact play… But I’m not a sadist. I guess I’m a masochist, although that’s another word I don’t identify with. I’m just… I like to be hurt. It centers me. And I do like to bottom from time to time. Not always, but I often combine it with impact play.”
“I see.” Delton was quiet for a while. “I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but am I correct in assuming you see the same problems I do with how this affects your relationship with Oliver?”
“Yeah.”
“How often do you engage in it?”
Adar shifted, looking away from Delton. “It used to be once a month, back when I had a… a friend who was willing to do this for me. But he’s no longer available, so now I have to rely on finding someone in the city. It’s now every three months or so.”
“Is that enough? You said it centers you.”
“It’s not, but I have little choice. I can’t get away more often… Especially now that Oliver is here.”
“Does he know about this?”
“Fuck no. I wouldn’t know where to begin in explaining this to him. Can you imagine? Me, this big alpha, telling him I enjoy having done to me what brought him such trauma. He would never talk to me again.”
“I wouldn’t go quite that far, but I agree he’d probably have issues with it.”
Adar sighed. “And with reason. It’s fucked up.”
“It’s not. It’s something consensual that brings you pleasure and release. That is not fucked up.”
“With all due respect, but we both know that’s not how Oliver will see it. After what he’s been through, having this done to me voluntarily is fucked up. There’s no way around it.”
“I still don’t agree with that classification, but I see what you mean. It is hard to explain to him. The obvious difference, of course, is consent and intent. You want this, are asking for it, and within strict boundaries, I assume. I take it you’re doing this at a club?”
Adar nodded. “And we play by the club’s rules, which means clear boundaries, safewords, and all that stuff.”
“Does it always include sex? Or is the impact play in itself enough?”
Delton was asking all the right questions, confirming he was the perfect person to talk to. Moreover, Adar hadn’t detected a hint of judgment in his voice. “It does, but that’s also at my request. It’s the pain that centers me and helps me unwind. The sex is… I guess you could say it’s a bonus. That’s for my pleasure.”
