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“Exactly.”
It didn’t escape Delton’s notice that Adar kept checking in with Oliver to make sure he was okay. Despite everything, Adar’s protective instincts for the omega dragon were endearing. “He’s lucky to have you.”
Oops, had that come out the wrong way? Would Adar see too much behind it?
But the alpha smiled at Delton. “It’s me who’s lucky.”
“I’ve thought a lot about our conversation.” Delton kept his voice low, though they were far enough away from everyone else that no one would overhear. “And I’ve done research.”
“Already?”
Delton shrugged, feigning indifference. “I found it an interesting case, so I did some digging into the roots of masochism.”
“Can it be cured?”
“It’s not a disease, Adar. Only when it becomes an obsession can it be unhealthy, but in itself, there’s nothing wrong with finding pleasure in pain.”
Adar’s face darkened. “Tell that to Oliver.”
“The difference is consent, as always. You choose the pain. You want it. That’s very different from being hurt against your will.”
“Maybe, but I don’t think Oliver will see it that way.”
Delton leaned forward. “For a moment, forget about Oliver. I know that’s hard, but humor me. If he wasn’t in the picture, would you still consider this a problem?”
Adar took his time answering. “Only because it’s a challenge that I don’t have anyone in the pack who can do it. When it was…my friend who did it, I was fine with it. I only told the clinic because after the attack, I was injured and had bruises and shit from the last session we did. I didn’t want them to jump to the wrong conclusions or for anyone to get into trouble, so they said they’d add it to my file.”
“So what you’re saying is that you don’t have an issue with it, per se. The only reason it’s a problem is that you fear Oliver will object to it.”
Adar frowned. “Hold on. You said because I fear Oliver would object to it. Are you saying you don’t think he will? Do you think he’d be okay with it?”
He had to be honest. “A slim chance, but yes. You don’t know how he will react unless you tell him. If I’ve learned one thing in my job, it’s that it’s dangerous to act out of what we think other people will do rather than verify if that would be their actual reaction. People keep surprising me, you know? Even people I thought I knew well.”
Adar stared at him for a long time as if he was searching Delton’s face for the truth. “I wouldn’t say I don’t have an issue with it at all if we, as you suggested, forget about Oliver for a moment. I’m sure you can imagine there’s some shame involved. It’s not an easy topic for me to talk about. Then again, I’m not a talker to begin with.”
“I know, and I appreciate you being so honest with me. When you say shame, what kind of shame do you mean?”
Adar let out a humorless laugh. “Oh, all different kinds. How about the fact that I’m an alpha who likes to be hurt? That in itself is embarrassing, not to mention that I like to bottom. I know, I know. The latter is not such a big deal in the pack, where multiple alphas make no secrets of their preferences. But in the club, that’s different. Even there, I always experience a level of humiliation when admitting it.”
“That surprises me a little, considering everyone who frequents that club must have unusual preferences, or they wouldn’t be there.”
“Technically, they don’t judge. And maybe they really don’t, and it’s all in my head, but it’s hard to let go of the sense of wrongness of what I’m doing. Like, an alpha like me shouldn’t be wanting that.”
“Except it’s not a matter of wanting, is it? It’s about needing, about fulfilling a deep craving that goes much deeper than finding something pleasurable.”
Adar hung his head. “Yeah.”
“I know this won’t make much of a difference to you, but I’m going to say it anyway. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing about this is wrong or unnatural or perverse or whatever judging label you want to slap on it. It’s how you’re wired. It’s what you need to function.”
The alpha let out a long sigh. “You said that you might figure out why I need this? From something in my childhood?”
“Not so much why you needed it as how you came to discover this was working for you. You see, our brains are fascinating because they are very focused on pleasure. They will repeat actions that, for whatever reason and in whatever form, bring pleasure, a good feeling. At some point, there must’ve been an incident where you were feeling bad and discovered that pain made you feel better. Once your brain registered that, it figured it needed more of that. So you kept doing it, and now it’s a pattern, a craving.”
“But does that mean you can never unlearn that behavior? Am I stuck with this for the rest of my life?”
“Not necessarily, but changing neuro patterns is hard. It’s like…” What was the best analogy to describe it? “Have you ever played sports?”
Adar nodded. “Football. I was a wide receiver.”
