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Despite the literal impossibility of my answer, Hallie doesn’t press. Instead, she apologizes. “I’m sorry about before. I know today is tough for you.”
“It’s fine,” I mutter as we head back inside the country club. I owe her an apology too, but right now my emotions are all over the place.
It’s strange, being in my hometown, surrounded by family, seconds after talking to Beck on the phone.
It’s a collision of two worlds: the Saylor Scott who grew up in a tiny town with a broken family and the one who fought for relevance until she ended up training with the best.
The girl who grew up convinced love was a legend and the woman worried she might have found it.
We take more photos, there’s another round of dancing, and then my dad and Sandra disappear in a shower of grains of rice and a deluge of well wishes. They’re headed straight to the airport to depart on their honeymoon in Lisbon.
The drive back to Hallie’s from the reception is silent. Either she’s still annoyed with me or simply too tired to talk. I’d guess it’s a combination of the two.
The porch light is on when we arrive back at the bungalow. Matt left the reception early to bring Matthew Jr. home and put him to bed.
“Night,” Hallie tells me when we walk through the front door. She heads straight upstairs.
I was exhausted earlier, but suddenly I’m not. I head to the couch and grab sweatpants and a sweatshirt out of my suitcase. I change and then walk into the kitchen, swinging the fridge door open and hauling myself up on the edge of the countertop to survey the contents.
Wasteful? Yes.
Convenient? Also yes.
I’m not hungry. I’ve had enough alcohol to know more is a bad idea, but also enough where I’m not thinking logically. I compromise by grabbing a bottle of beer and a can of seltzer. Then stroll out the door off the kitchen, onto the deck, and down into the yard.
The lawn feels like home. I’ve spent more hours on grass than I could ever count, but mostly wearing cleats. Crushing blades of grass is much more satisfying when it’s with your bare feet.
There’s a hammock strung up between two broad beech trees, and I flop down atop it, beverages in hand. I can’t see anything through the canopy of leaves, and I prefer it that way. Stars have a way of suggesting too much. The vastness of the universe makes me feel small, inconsequential. Like maybe the decisions I have to make aren’t quite as massive as I’ve made them out to be.
In the context of the world, they’re definitely not.
In the context of my life, they’re trajectory. They’ll send me down one path. There will be other choices farther in the future, but no chances to return to where I am right now. That’s what has me paralyzed in place, scared to take a step.
I toss the drinks on the ground, belatedly realizing that means they’ll probably explode whenever they’re opened. Too tired to care, I push off from the ground so the hammock I’m lying on starts rocking back and forth.
I’m asleep before it stills.
“If only I had a camera on me.”
I squint upward and find Hallie’s smirking face, rubbing a hand across my eyes. “Why have a hammock if you’re not going to use it?”
“We use it plenty. We just don’t sleep in it.”
I stretch, relieved to discover a bird didn’t decide to crap on me overnight. My muscles are stiff, but I’ve definitely woken up feeling worse. I’m not even that hungover. “You should. Switch things up a bit.”
Hallie rolls her eyes, suggesting she’s taken my words as a personal affront, an assertion that she plays it safe while I dance with danger.
I sigh. “Look, Hallie. About last night. I’m sor—” I don’t even get the full apology out.
“It’s fine, Saylor. We’re good.” Hallie loves to sweep anything uncomfortable under the rug. It’s why she’s on a joking basis with our father whereas I can barely exchange a dance’s worth of words with him. Avoidance versus grudges. I’m not sure either approach is healthy, but I know Hallie’s means me pressing things will only end with us on worse terms. “Do you want breakfast?”
“No, I’ll get something at the airport.”
“Okay. Your flight’s at eleven, right?”
“Yeah.”
Hallie heads back inside.
