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“I don’t know the first thing about bringing up children,” I say, fighting against panic.
“Did Maddie give her a dummy?” Aroha asks.
“I don’t know. How do I know what’s the right decision?”
“Well, that’s the thing about parenting. There are no rules, only guidelines.”
“Like being a pirate,” Henry says. Then he bites his lip, obviously feeling guilty at making a joke. “Sorry.”
It unlocks something inside me, though, and I give a short laugh, then a long, drawn-out sigh.
“Kinda,” Aroha says wryly. “The thing is, you can read books that other people have written, and speak to other parents and healthcare professionals. You’ll probably get different opinions. And then it’s up to you to choose what you think is best for her, which you will, because you’re a smart guy and you love your niece.”
Henry glances at me and smiles. I turn in the seat and look over my shoulder at her. She’s smiling too.
“What do you think?” I ask her, wondering if, as she’s trained in childcare, she will tend to take the view of what ‘should’ be done.
She looks down at Leia, who’s holding her finger. “Some babies find comfort when they suck, and I believe in doing whatever I can to make a baby comfortable and happy. I think it’s better to use a proper dummy made for young babies than for them to try to suck a blanket or something.”
I nod. She smiles, opens the packet, and takes out the dummy. Gently, she teases the baby’s lips with it, and Leia takes it immediately. She quietens as she starts to suck, and her eyelids droop.
“There,” Aroha says, “she feels better now.”
“Will Leia miss her?” I ask. “Are babies aware of the person looking after them?”
Aroha covers the baby with a light blanket and tucks it in around her. “I think they can recognize their parents by their smell and their voice. But I’m sure that, right now, all she’s aware of is whether she’s hungry, needs changing, or wants to go to sleep. The most important thing is that she’s with someone who loves her and is going to take care of her.” She glances at me.
I look away, out of the window. Leia is my niece. I loved Maddie, and I would tell others that I love Leia, but I’m not sure what that emotion means in her case. She’s Maddie’s daughter, and I don’t want any harm to come to her. I want her to be looked after. But am I the person to do that? She doesn’t have anyone else, but I didn’t want to have my own children; do I really want to bring up someone else’s?
I can’t even conceive of what it would entail, only secondhand stories others have told me. The baby crying all day and all night until you can’t think straight. Being so tired you can’t function at work. Horrid smells. The toddler years: LEGO all over the carpet, your head ringing from tantrums, the carpet stained from spilled juice and muddy footprints, having sticky fingers over your house and your albums and clothes. Bullying and not wanting to go to school. And then all the problems with a teenager—arguments and puberty and periods and contraception and exams. Fuck me—this is one reason I didn’t want children. And to have it thrust upon me now? I don’t want it.
I suppose I don’t have to care for her myself, though. I could hire a nanny full time. Rich people have done it for thousands of years—paid for someone else to bring up their kids. Sent them away to boarding school. But is that best for Leia? To have a succession of paid nannies and a distant uncle like a character from a Brontë novel? Wouldn’t she be better off being adopted by a couple who are desperate for their own child, who would love and care for her?
What if Blue wants her once he finds out Maddie’s dead? Surely the court would choose him over another stranger? Maybe that would be best though, if he’s her father? Maddie called him. Maybe she wanted him to play a part in Leia’s life. It would make life much easier for me.
Then I think of what Maddie would say to that, and I feel a wave of shame, so strong it gives me a pain in my chest. She would be so disappointed in me. I can picture the look of shock on her face, the confusion that would appear in her eyes when someone did something that hurt her feelings. “She’s my daughter, James. My only girl. I named you her guardian. I thought you’d look after her. Are you really going to offload her to a stranger, or to that arsehole, Blue? Are you that fucking selfish?”
Yeah, Maddie, I really am. Seems you didn’t know me as well as you thought you did.
Henry and Aroha talk quietly from time to time, but I don’t speak for the rest of the journey. I look out of the window, fighting with fury and shame and grief, glad when Henry finally pulls up outside Kia Kaha.
“She’s still asleep,” Aroha says softly. “I’ll go home and pick up some clothes, and then I’ll drive out to you. What’s the address?” I tell her, and she programs it into her phone. “Are you going home now?” she asks.
“In a minute,” Henry says. “Alex and Tyson are on their way out, so we’ll catch up with them, then head off. James, you drive your Porsche. I’ll bring Leia.”
“See you soon,” Aroha says. “Hopefully she’ll stay asleep until you get there.”
The three of us get out and close the doors as softly as we can. Aroha heads over to her Honda, and soon she’s reversing out and heading off with a wave.
Henry looks at me. “You fell on your feet there.”
“Tell me about it. There’s no way I’d find a nanny at six p.m. on the fourth of January.”
We look across as the doors open and Alex and Tyson come out, Tyson carrying my laptop bag. I know that Henry has already texted them to let them know that I identified Maddie. They come over and give me a bearhug, Tyson first, then Alex.
“Bro,” Alex says as he moves back, “I’m so sorry.”
“Henry told us about the phone call with Blue,” Tyson comments.
