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I don’t answer for a moment, and like James, I look out into the darkness. It’s so quiet here. It’s odd that we’re discussing these deep issues. I’ve never vocalized my thoughts on this to anyone. Somehow though, because of what he’s gone through, it feels easy to discuss it with him.
“I’m not sure how I feel about the ethics of disability prevention,” I say slowly. “Does my mum’s point of view hinge on the fact that she can’t bring herself to admit her life would have been easier without my brother? I don’t know. I believe in a woman’s right to choose. But the right to terminate a pregnancy just because the baby isn’t society’s definition of normal or perfect? Would I terminate because it would make my life easier? I suppose I don’t want to put myself through having to make that decision.”
He sighs. “I understand.”
I look at Leia’s beautiful rosebud mouth. “If I’m honest, I know what decision I’d make, because I don’t want to go through what my mum has been through.”
“I think that’s a very human reaction.”
“Maybe. But I’m ashamed of myself.” My throat tightens, and it takes me a moment to gather myself. I think he notices, because he doesn’t say anything for a moment.
Eventually, he sighs again. “They didn’t mention any of this in sex ed at school, eh?”
“No.” I get to my feet. “I’m taking Leia back to bed.”
“Okay.”
“Are you going to bed soon?”
“Yeah, in a bit.”
“You want me to stay?”
He smiles. “No, but thank you. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me and Leia today.”
“You’re welcome.” I meet his eyes, and he holds my gaze for a moment.
I want him to get up and kiss me. To ask me if he can lose himself in me tonight. But he doesn’t, of course. I know him well enough to understand he won’t make a move on me while I’m working for him, and I would be stupid to push it.
“Goodnight,” I say.
“’Night.”
I walk back through the living room to the corridor to my bedroom, and close the door behind me.
Chapter Sixteen
James
I know Aroha’s right, and that if I stay up, I’ll just sink further into gloom. I lock up and turn out the lights, then head off to my room at the opposite end of the house.
It was cool when I got up this morning so I turned off the aircon, and now it’s hot and sticky in the room. I turn it on, then go over to the window and stare moodily at the garden. It’s like a scene from an old black and white movie, the silvery moonlight on the trees and bushes making them shine like ghostly figures.
I’m not religious anymore, and I’m a very practical guy, too concerned with getting on with life to worry about what happens when you die. But at that moment the full force of Maddie’s death hits me like a wrecking ball. I inhale, something squeezing inside me, taking my breath away. She’s gone, and she’s not coming back. Extinguished like a candle flame, so easily. I’ve never believed in ghosts, but for the first time I wonder whether there is more to life than this. Does she exist somewhere in spirit form? Is she watching me at this moment, feeling my pain? Will we meet again one day in the afterlife? Or is that it? I’ll never see her again?
I can’t bear to think about it. I’m tired, but my body and brain are still buzzing. If I hadn’t drunk so much, I’d go into the gym and work out for a while, but I know that would be a dumb thing to do after drinking so much alcohol.
I take off my shirt and toss it in the laundry bin, hang up my suit trousers, and take off my underwear. Then I go into the bathroom and turn the shower on. I clean my teeth as I glare at my reflection. Finally, as the room begins to fill with steam, I go into the cubicle and stand beneath the hot water.
My head feels stuffed full with the enormity of the day’s events, as if someone’s inserted a balloon in my skull and is slowly pumping it up. I can feel it pressing on the back of my eyeballs and my eardrums. I don’t want to think about Maddie. If I imagine her on that clifftop, if I ponder on whether she fell or jumped over the edge, and how she felt when it happened, how scared she must have been, I’m going to lose it. Think about something else, James…
The hot water pours down my body, silky smooth. Ahhh… I really, really wish I could have sex. My body needs it, desires the release of tension.
I can’t help it; I think about Aroha, remembering how incredibly soft and smooth her light-brown skin was when I held her in my arms. I sigh, closing my eyes and thinking about how I kissed her breasts, then pressed my lips slowly down over her stomach to between her thighs. She was hairless and smooth there too, swollen and glistening. I can still recall the taste of her—sweet and musky, so enticing.
I want you to fuck me into next week. Ah, man, I was such a fool to miss out on that opportunity. I’m hard now, aroused with the thought of sliding inside her. I take myself in hand and start giving long, slow strokes as I think about how she clutched her hand in my hair, and how she moaned when I sucked her clit. She’s a beautiful girl. Nice, high breasts, a soft, shapely body, big hazel eyes, and those full lips with the intriguing, angular Cupid’s bow and large bottom lip. I can imagine her mouth closing around the tip of my erection, those lips sliding down the length… ahhh… yeah…
My hand moves faster as I imagine her on her knees, her large eyes looking up at me as she sucks. I want to come in her mouth, and feel her swallow it down… or would it be better to toss her on the bed? On her back or her front? Front, I decide. Push her legs wide and slide inside her. Then plunge down into her as I drive us both to a climax. Ahhh… yeah… that’s working… She’d bury her face in a pillow and cry out with pleasure as I fuck her, begging me to go faster, harder… I’d do my best to hang on until she comes, clenching around me, moaning my name, and only then would I let go. My hand curls into a fist on the tiles as my climax hits, and I can’t hold in a groan as I come, imagining erupting into her until I’ve filled her, and I’m completely empty.
