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“So,” she continues, “let’s talk about you not keeping her. A child is for life, after all, not just for Christmas.”
My lips curve up. “That’s true.” Glad she isn’t telling me I’m a terrible person for wanting to think about it, I blow out a breath and have a big mouthful of coffee.
“Again,” she says, “you have two options. First, you let Blue have her. And here I think you have to forget about trying to decipher what Maddie did or didn’t want. Maybe she felt guilty that she hadn’t told him. She could have been thinking about Leia growing up, or perhaps she just felt he deserved to know. We’ll never know. I think all you can do is trust your instincts and decide whether you think he’ll be a good father.”
I don’t miss that she says ‘we’ll never know,’ not ‘you’ll.’ She told me she has skin in the game, too. I remember what she said to Blue in the café. You piece of shit… She’s not a secondhand car. She’s your daughter. At the time, I felt a surge of relief that she agreed with me. And so I’m not surprised that she looks relieved when I say, “Honestly? I don’t want him anywhere near her.”
“Thank God.” She blows out a breath. “I could smell marijuana on them both really strongly. I mean, I know lots of people smoke weed, but when there are kids around…”
I smile. Henry told me he offered her a whisky the first night they were all here, and she refused, saying she didn’t drink alcohol when she was looking after children. I admire her for that. “It wasn’t just marijuana,” I tell her. “I’m sure I saw needle marks on Jasmine’s arm.”
Her jaw drops. “No… oh James. We can’t let them have her. Neither he nor Jasmine looked at Leia once all the time we were in the café. That annoyed me more than anything else.” She strokes the baby’s downy head with such tenderness it makes my chest tighten.
“I think we can agree that we don’t want them to have her,” I say firmly. “I don’t believe Blue is the slightest bit interested in the fact that he has a daughter. He just wants the money.”
“Absolutely.” She’s pleased I’ve come to that conclusion.
“If Maddie did change her mind about him playing a role in Leia’s life, she did so because she was feeling low and vulnerable. But the fact is that he slept with her and then ditched her and refused to return her phone calls. He treated her like shit, and he’s obviously not interested in Leia. He doesn’t deserve anything.” I speak bitterly.
She nods her agreement. “So the other option is that you give Leia up for adoption.”
I nod slowly. “Would I get to meet the couples who were interested?”
“Yes. Birth parents make the decision on who they want to care for their child, so I presume as guardian that decision would transfer to you.”
“That’s something.” I look at the tiny baby in her arms, and suddenly I feel as if I’ve been punched in the stomach. It’s Maddie’s little girl. How can I hand her over to strangers?
“Or you could keep her,” Aroha says.
I study Leia’s little hand where it lies on the bottle. “I’m seeing my lawyer tomorrow about Maddie’s will. I guess he’ll explain what options exist about caring for Leia.”
“You could just continue to be her guardian. She’d be like a medieval ward.”
“Like Theon Greyjoy,” I say, naming the character from Game of Thrones who lives with the Stark family.
She laughs. “Yes, but hopefully with a happier outcome. You’d make the decisions on how she’s brought up—anything involving her health or education, for example. But you could stay her uncle, if that made you feel better.”
“Or?”
“Or you could adopt her. Take her on as your own. You’d be her daddy.” She smiles.
Daddy? I shift in the seat. I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with Leia calling me that.
Leia has finished the bottle, and Aroha puts it down. She lifts Leia and gets to her feet. Then she comes over to me. She drapes a square of muslin cloth over my shoulder. Then she hands the baby to me.
“Hold her upright,” she says, moving Leia so she’s against my shoulder. “That’s it. And just rub her back gently to get rid of any wind. Don’t worry if she brings up a little milk, that’s normal. I’m just going to the bathroom.” She strokes Leia’s hair, then disappears inside.
I sit stiffly for a moment. Then I stand and move to the edge of the deck, looking out at the rain.
Leia is warm in my arms. I rub her back, worried about patting in case I use too much force. She feels so tiny, like a doll.
But she’s not a doll. She’s a living, breathing human being. The responsibility of deciding what to do presses down on me. I live on my own because I don’t have to worry about anyone but me. Even when I was dating Cassie, I liked that we lived apart because it meant I wasn’t responsible for her. She had her life, her friends, her job, and I had mine. I’d help her if she was in trouble, of course, but I had no real input into the decisions she made about her own life.
If I took on Leia, every decision that would affect her would be up to me, until she grew of age, anyway. Jesus. How do people do this? I suppose if the child is your own, you feel you have the right to bring them up your way and to make decisions for them. But how do I stop wondering what Maddie would have wanted?
Aroha said, She’ll grow up emulating the behaviors of the women around her. Leia could do worse than emulate Aroha. But of course, Aroha won’t be around forever. She’s just looking after Leia while she’s a baby, and eventually she’ll want to move on. Then it’ll just be me and Leia.
I don’t think you should keep her out of duty or guilt. There’s no shame in admitting you’d prefer someone else to care for her day-to-day.
