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I jerked away from him and felt my arm pop again. It caused a small cry to leave my lips. That shit hurt so bad. For a split second, I could see his sorrow with what he’d done, but his face hardened all over again. I headed to the back door. “If this is love, I don’t want no parts of the shit.”
I opened the door and slammed it behind me. Digging through my purse, I found my keys and got into my car. I sat there for a minute, trying to calm down. My emotions were all over the place, but the one that really irritated me was the worry. I felt sorry for Joel, and I was worried about him. This wasn’t him. It wasn’t Vegas, and it sure in the hell wasn’t Joel… at least not who those people were to me. Vegas was never that cruel to me.
I started my car and drove straight to my sister’s house. Sasha was who entered my mind first. This nigga had me in my feelings big time, and I didn’t know how to handle it.
“It’s not broken, Ms. Mott. It may have popped out of place and popped back in. Is the bruise in your face and your swollen hands part of this too?”
I lowered my head. “No, sir. I got in a fight earlier. This woman called me out of my name, and it escalated to blows. I’m somewhat embarrassed about it now. I lost my cool.”
I was embarrassed to tell the emergency room doctor that shit. However, I didn’t regret getting at that ho. I was glad to know that my arm wasn’t broken. Maybe Joel knew what had happened and had intentionally popped it back in place right when I jerked away from him. Sasha was standing next to me, gently rubbing my back. I hated she was seeing all this bullshit. I never took shit off a man. Period.
I thought Joel was different. He threatened to kill me. I shouldn’t have put my hands on him. I knew better, but my hurt was speaking loudly. He intentionally attacked the situation between my mother and me. I thought he would be the man I surrendered my love to. I was falling for him, and I didn’t know what to do with my feelings. While what he did to me and how he spoke to me had angered me, that anger had dissipated.
Tears fell from my eyes as the doctor prescribed meds for pain and inflammation. He said it would also help with my swollen hands. As we waited for my discharge papers, Sasha asked, “So what now?”
“I take my ass to my house, get rest, then call Vegas to see when I can get my things from his house. I’m fucking done with wanting love. That shit hurts. I can’t allow anyone to get that close to me again if this will be the result of it.”
“I’m not making excuses for him, but he was acting out of hurt and rage.”
“I know, but what happens if he gets angry again? Why was I the target for his aggression?”
“Because you were the only one there, in his face, pressing him to think, when he just wanted to be left alone. Again, it’s no excuse for what he said and did, but try to understand how he’s feeling. I’m sure he’s angry with himself by now for how he treated you when you were only trying to help.”
She kissed my head, nurturing me like I was the baby sister. When my phone rang, she went to it. Her eyebrows lifted and scrunched together, then she looked up at me. “It’s your gangsta,” she said, reading what I had him saved as in my phone.
I shook my head. I couldn’t talk to him right now. It was way too soon. I needed to think about everything that happened and calm down to where I could speak to him clearly without the emotion. I wanted to be sure in my decision and what I would say. My emotions couldn’t be a part of that. It escalated because of me. Just like I’d saved in my phone, Vegas was a gangsta, and no one got away with what I’d done to him.
I rolled my eyes because my mind wouldn’t stop. Thoughts of my father were running through my mind, and an instance I didn’t think I remembered popped into my head. He’d hit my mother for ‘sticking her nose in his affairs’. I didn’t remember exactly what those affairs were, but I supposed this incident triggered the memory.
When they came back in with my discharge papers, I signed them and got the fuck out of there with Sasha in tow. When the humid night air hit my face, I huffed. I was so done with these feelings for today… feeling abused, unloved, and unwanted. I wanted to wake up and realize all this shit was a nightmare.
After getting to my car, Sasha said, “Let me drive. They gave you a pain shot.”
I nodded and went to the passenger side. Once I was inside, I closed my eyes, reclined the seat, and tried to clear my mind of everything. I wanted my mind to stop racing and to just be in the moment. Hopefully, once I slept, I could get through all this turmoil.
FIFTEEN
VEGAS
Ihope you good.
Kee was heavy on my mind. I’d fucked up big time. Lashing out on her wasn’t right, and I felt like I couldn’t live with myself after she left. Dr. King had pushed all my buttons. My dad wasn’t perfect, but I felt like I was the only one that could say that shit. I didn’t know her. Admitting she was my mother had caught me totally off guard. The first thing I thought was I’d sold some shit to her or someone she loved. I came across so many people when I was hustling. There was no way I could remember them all.
I just wished Keondra would respond to my messages. I’d been trying to talk to her since Monday night, and it was already Sunday. I needed to know that she was okay. Hurting her was never my intent. I lashed out on her, and I felt like shit about it. I’d gotten Jungle to ask Sasha how she was doing, and he informed me that she’d been holed up in her place, not going to any of her classes and missing a studio session.
That only made me feel worse. Friday, I popped up at her loft, and she wouldn’t answer the door. Her message was clear. She didn’t want to see me nor did she want anything to do with me. I was just having a hard time accepting that I’d lost her forever.
“You good? You been quiet.”
I looked up to see Isaiah standing over me. Normally, when I was feeling a way, I didn’t bother going to Beaumont, but it was like, today, my soul sought the peace the Berottes offered. Maybe I truly desired Pop or Isaiah to approach me. I knew I needed to talk to somebody… someone who could get out of me what I was truly feeling. Jungle didn’t even know the full extent of what was going on. He had no idea about Dr. King. All he knew was that Keondra and I had gotten into it.
He seemed somewhat offended that I wouldn’t tell him what was going on, but I didn’t need someone who would simply listen. I needed somebody to help me through what I was feeling and why I took it out on the woman I claimed to love. I missed her like crazy, and it hurt like hell knowing I was the reason I no longer had access to her.
“I have a lot going on, man, and I’m trying to find my way through it. I’m just stuck in a loop pattern right now.”
He sat next to me as Alexz and Skylar did their stroll, remaining quiet for a moment. “You know I’m here if you need me. I want us all to be in healthy, fulfilling relationships. You’re the only one left. Judging by how good of a time Keondra had last Sunday, something had to happen between the two of you for her not to be here today.”
I only nodded, so he asked, “You wanna go inside? We can use the back room.”
