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“Yeah.”
“Okay. Let me let Rondo know so nobody will interrupt us.”
I nodded and stood from my seat. I was feeling nervous. This was something I’d never done. While I felt like I knew Isaiah, I didn’t really know Isaiah. So spilling all this tea with someone other than Jungle had my nerves on edge.
He walked back over to me and said, “Come on.”
I noticed Jungle watching us. When his eyes met mine, he nodded and gave me a slight smile, assuring me I was making the right decision. I followed Zay to the back room at Rondo’s house. It was where we had the meeting at two Sundays ago when I was talking about plans of killing Mo. I took a seat on the couch, and he sat in the chair across from me. I fidgeted slightly, not knowing how to start.
Apparently, he knew what I was going through, because he said, “Just start from the beginning, man. I’m not here to judge you… just to help you through it.”
I nodded then started from the situation with Keondra and why she wanted Mo dead. This was where all this shit started. I told him about Yunique, Keondra’s father, my father, their connection, and my absentee mother… all of it. When I finally got to how Kee’s therapist said she was my mother, his eyebrows lifted.
When I finished telling him everything, he sat in his thoughts for a moment. “Let me make sure I have this right. Your father raised you. He’s all you remember because she left when you were three months old. Keondra was talking to her sister’s therapist, and you sat in on the session. The woman tensed up and hung up, and after composing herself, she called back. After you pretty much threatened her into revealing what her issues were, she told you she was your mother and why she wasn’t there for you.”
I nodded. He slid his hand over his mouth. “I know that shit was hard. So, tell me, other than anger, what did you feel?”
“Umm… unwanted, abandoned, unloved by the person that was supposed to love me most. It’s crazy because I never really had any feelings about her. I mean, when I was little, I wanted a mother, but Jungle’s mom was like my mom. When she died, that was it. My mom had died. I didn’t desire a relationship with someone that didn’t want me. I’m confused as to why I’m feeling hurt.”
“You think it’s because of what she accused your father of being?”
I slid my hand over my face. I knew Joshua could be mean as fuck. Witnessing him kill niggas, for some reason or another, taught me how to do that shit and get away with it. “Probably. I knew he could be a mean ass. That’s where I got it from, but I would have never accused him of this.”
“Do you think anyone else knows? Have you talked to Jungle about it?”
“No. Besides Kee, you are the only person who knows everything.”
“You may need to talk to him. He could possibly know more about the situation and can shed light on it. If by chance he can and he validates her story, what will happen next?”
“I don’t know. At this point, I don’t think I want a relationship with her, but subconsciously, I probably longed for it all along. Why else would I be this bothered about it?”
“That’s very true. I know you’re also bothered about how things went down with Keondra.”
I nodded. “I hurt her, nearly broke her arm. That shit fucking with me so bad. I never wanted to be that person to her. My words took her there. I think that shit hurt her more than me fucking up her arm. Fuck!”
I lowered my face to my hands, and, surprisingly, I felt comfortable enough to release tears of sorrow. That shit was eating me alive. When I heard the soft cry leave my lips, it caught me so off guard. I lifted my head, wiped my face, and swallowed that shit as Isaiah shook his head. “Naw. Don’t hold that shit in. Let it out. You know this is a safe space, or you wouldn’t have let it even go this far.”
My eyebrows scrunched together, and the lump in my throat got heavier. When I released, I felt a sense of relief but also a sense of weakness. I wasn’t who I had been all these years. Keondra and Dr. King exposed my sensitivity… the side of me I’d been hiding for all this time. I didn’t know how to handle that.
Isaiah sat next to me and embraced me in a brotherly hug. The only man that had hugged me was Jungle. My dad had never hugged me. It was always handshakes or pounds. He raised me to believe that shit was soft or gay. Two men didn’t hug each other that way, he’d said.
When I pulled away from Isaiah, I wiped my face, and he got up and went back to his seat. “You probably feel a little better after that. There’s nothing weak about releasing bullshit that’s toxic to your system. When you gotta take a shit, you go to the toilet and let it out. Same thing with your emotions. Even if you have to wait until you’re alone, let it out so it can cleanse your spirit.”
“You right.”
“So, talk to Jungle. I think the problem is you know he can enlighten you on the situation, and you don’t wanna know. You’re afraid that she’s telling the truth. It will taint your image and memory of your dad. However, in the truth, you can find forgiveness, healing, and love. Until you can accept her as she is, you won’t be able to make things right with Keondra.”
“I think I want her with me when I talk to my mother. She was with me when I found out. I need her, man. I fucked up so bad. I love that woman, but what I did didn’t say love. I threatened to kill her. Why would she want to be with me after that?”
“Honestly, I think she understands more than you give her credit for. She knows you were speaking from a place of hurt and anger. Am I saying it will be easy to get her back? Absolutely not. I do think she will forgive you for your words and actions though. It’s gon’ take some work for you to get her back. I can tell she’s somewhat tough… a lot like you.”
There was a knock on the door, and I straightened my demeanor. He’d told those niggas we needed to have a private conversation. After somewhat getting myself together, Zay cracked the door. He said a few things in a low voice to where I couldn’t hear him then opened the door fully to allow Jungle to walk inside. No time like the present, I guess.
When he came in, he took a seat next to me and put his arm around my shoulder. Zay smiled slightly as he closed the door. Before he sat, he asked, “We good to continue? Or would you rather wait until he leaves out?”
“We’re good.”
Isaiah nodded. “There are some things Vegas needs to tell you, Jungle, but I’m sure you already knew something was up… something serious.”
