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“I’m so proud of you,” Keegan tells Kasey, leaning over her bed and pressing a kiss in her hair.
“I didn’t do anything, Mom. I had our daughter early and that’s it,” Kasey returns, tears filling her eyes once again.
“Yes, you did. You went in there today and stayed with her until you couldn’t any longer. Then, instead of coming back in here to be alone, you stayed with your family and kept an eye on your girl. When I tell you you’re stronger than you know, it’s not just words I’m telling you because I think it’s what you need to hear. I say them because it’s truly how I feel and what I know to be true about you,” Keegan says, looking her daughter in the eyes so she can see the truth in her words.
Kasey leans back with a mumbled thanks and puts one of her chick flicks on the TV. Keegan and her settle in to watch while I take the chair at her side and pull it even closer to the bed. Grabbing Kasey’s hand, I hold it while letting my eyes slide closed. I didn’t sleep at all last night so I could be there for my sweet girl. I’m exhausted and ready for bed even though it’s only dinner time. Skylar brought up food with her when she showed up and I listen as Keegan makes her daughter a plate while also handing one over to me. I open my eyes long enough to eat the steak, mashed potatoes, and asparagus. By the time I’m done, my stomach is full and I can’t stop sleep from claiming me.
Resting in the chair, I don’t let Kasey’s hand go. Even when I start to fall forward and jolt awake. I simply lay my head on the edge of her bed and let Kasey run her fingers through my hair. It feels so good and puts me right back to sleep. I fall asleep dreaming of my girls and bringing our baby girl home. There’s no fear of it not happening because that’s not an outcome I’ll allow to happen for any reason. Bexley will be coming home with us. It’s just a matter of time and making sure she’s as healthy as possible before she gets released.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Kasey
TODAY’S A BITTERSWEET day for me. I get to leave the hospital but our baby girl has to remain here. She’s still having some issues breathing on her own and they have her under the heat lamps because she’s jaundiced and her body temperature dropped yesterday. I lost my shit and cried for hours despite Doc telling me it was okay and that it happens sometimes. This isn’t a setback as far as she’s concerned. Doc is simply taking every single precaution she can when it comes to Bexley and the other babies under her care. It’s what she always does when she’s treating a patient. So, I’m grateful Doc is going above what’s expected of her, but it doesn’t make anything easier to deal with. This didn’t happen with the boys and I’m way out of my comfort level because my little girl is so damn small and won’t be coming home with us. I don’t have a problem coming to the hospital every single day to see her. My problem is leaving at the end of the day and knowing she won’t be coming with us.
Everyone is trying to keep my spirits lifted and keep me smiling and laughing. It’s not exactly working, but I’m trying to be strong and not look so upset constantly. Anthony sees what I’m doing and doesn’t let me get lost in my head too much about it. So, I’m working hard at not letting the thoughts that I could’ve done things differently consume me. My dad and Glock are the only two who haven’t tried to get me to be all happy and smiley. Mainly because they’re still staying outside the NICU to be with our daughter. No one other than the staff will get near Bexley on their watch. Everyone has offered to take their spots so they can shower, eat, visit with me when I’m in my room and they refuse the offers no matter who makes them. Even the men in the club with them can’t get them to leave NICU for any reason.
I’m ready to go home on one hand but not ready to leave here on the other. I’ve packed up everything we brought to the hospital with us. Someone got the bags I’ve had packed for months and brought them up here the day I went into labor. I’m guessing it was probably Melody since they were at the house and she would’ve been there with the boys. Though I can’t say anything for sure because my entire mind was consumed with trying to stop my contractions so Bexley wasn’t born too early.
“Sweet girl, are you ready to head to see Bexley?” Anthony asks, handing the last of our things to Kountry and Kevlar.
“Yeah. We’re staying until they say we have to leave. Right?” I ask him, knowing I’m not going to want to leave when it happens.
“We’re not goin’ home until they kick us out, sweet girl. So, let’s get over there so we have as much time with her as possible,” he says, helping me get in the wheelchair for the last time and pushing me out of the room and down the hall toward the NICU.
There are so many people standing outside looking through the window when we get to the NICU. My dad and Glock are right at the front of everyone. For now, our moms are with the boys at the house. They’re going to stay with them because the boys were so upset yesterday when they had to leave and Anthony and I were staying here instead of going with them. I get where they’re coming from. So, we decided not to have them come back here. Our moms decided to stay with them instead of anyone else being with them because they’re more comfortable with them than anyone else. My boys love everyone, but their grandmas are their favorite people in the world. Well, besides Anthony, our dads, and myself.
We go in the NICU and go through the process of washing up and putting the gowns on before Anthony wheels me over to the area Bexley’s in. He pushes me as close as possible and I immediately slide my arm through the hole. Running my fingers down her little arm, I stop at her hand. Bexley grabs onto my finger and holds it tight. She kicks her little feet a little bit and turns her head toward me.
“She’s so precious,” I murmur, taking in every detail about her from the top of her head down to her little toes.
“Yeah she is. She’s gonna look just like you and we already know she’s a fighter. Look how she’s fightin’ every single day we come in here. You heard Doc tell us she pulled out her oxygen thing last night. They put it back in and had to use a little extra tape to make sure she didn’t pull it out again,” Anthony says as we look at our daughter.
“I know. She’s gonna get out of here before we know it. Right now, it’s just hard because I want her to come home with us instead of having to stay here on her own. I’m not going to feel right until we get the call telling us we can bring her home,” I say honestly, looking up at Anthony as he rests his hands on my shoulders and tightens his fingers to give me comfort.
“I know, sweet girl. It’s gonna be hard on both of us. And we’re gonna have to try to explain things to the boys because they won’t understand why she’s not with us. I don’t even know how we’re gonna do that.”
“I don’t know either. We’ll figure something out though.”
For a while, we simply stand at Bexley’s side and keep touching her. Anthony moves around to the other side so he can reach in while I am. Nurses come over and check her periodically. Doc did explain this morning that Bexley is getting fed through a tube. She can’t suck good enough to breastfeed or have a bottle. That’s the only other tube attached to her. While I understand why it’s there, I don’t have to like it. It’s just one more thing our baby girl is going through that we can’t do anything about. I hate not being able to take this shit from her.
I want to protect all of my kids and make sure they never feel any kind of pain. It’s not realistic and I understand that. With Bexley, there’s so much going on with her and I can’t do a damn thing to take any of it away. She’s not crying or looking as if she’s in any kind of pain, but I don’t really know what’s going on with her. Anthony doesn’t either and it bothers the both of us more than we can put into words. We spent a few hours last night talking about it as Anthony got in bed with me and held me close. Not that we have a choice since the hospital beds are so damn small.
We’re leaving the hospital after being kicked out of the NICU and away from our daughter. Bexley was fussing a little bit when we left and it only made leaving her side even harder. I want to stay with her and give her all the comfort in the world so she’s not upset. Anthony actually turned and started heading back to her when I was taking the gown off. He can’t stand to see one of our kids cry for any reason. Bexley is crying and he wants to hold her in his arms and get her to stop crying. The nurse stepped up to her side and got her to stop fussing. I’m not sure what she did, but it helped heal my heart a little bit. At least in the aspect that we’re not walking away from our daughter while she cries.
Tears fall down my face as Anthony removes his gown and starts to push me once again. My dad opens the door of the NICU once Anthony’s pushed the button that releases it. My dad pulls me into his arms as I remain sitting in the wheelchair and holds me as close as he can considering how awkward it is. I cry on my dad’s shoulder as Glock comes up and gives his silent support and comfort to Anthony. This is killing the both of us and we need all the support we can get right now.
“Baby girl, your little one will be home before you know it. She’s gonna keep fightin’ and provin’ to everyone how strong she is. The day you bring her home, we’re gonna celebrate her the way she deserves to be celebrated. For now, go home and focus on your boys while you’re there. I love you, baby girl. I’ll see you first thing in the mornin’,” my dad says, pulling back and looking down at me.
“I love you too, Dad. I’ll see you in the morning. I’ll give the boys a hug and kiss from you,” I tell him as Anthony pulls from his dad and their whispered conversation.
Anthony starts pushing me once again. The farther we get from the NICU, the more it feels as if my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I want to look back over my shoulder and make Anthony push me back to where our daughter is. I want to beg and plead with him to let me stay here so I can watch over her like our dads have been doing since she was born. Instead, I keep my mouth shut, let the tears slide down my face, and grab onto Lyric’s hand when she steps up and takes mine as hard as I can.
“We got you, sweetheart. Kevlar and I are gonna come hang out with you guys for a while. I know your moms are at the house, but we don’t want either one of you alone right now. We just want to be there for you and help any way we can,” Lyric says as I nod in response.
I can’t even talk because my tears and emotions are clogging my throat. Keeping my mouth shut, I watch on as Anthony pushes me to the elevator and we wait for it to come up to us. Watching as the numbers inform us about what floor it’s on, I try to stop the tears from falling down my face. I don’t want to sit here and cry like a baby. It’s just so hard when my heart is breaking and shattering into a million pieces. This is so much worse than anything I felt when Anthony and I were going through our shit. We’re still not fixed by a long shot, but it’s getting better every day. He’s still proving to me that he’s going to do everything he can to show me that he’s not lying when he says he’s going to prove how much he wants to be with me and that he’s going to make up for everything he did to push me away.
Finally the elevator opens and we all make our way inside. The door closes behind us and we take it down to the main floor of the hospital. Anthony pushes me toward the front door while tossing his keys to Kevlar. Kevlar rushes outside to get the truck for us. I let the bright sunlight and warm air wash over me after being in the hospital the last few days. It warms me from the inside out even though I don’t want to. To me, it feels as if I’m happy and enjoying myself while Bexley remains in the hospital, I’m not upset or hurting because she’s not with us.
