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Me: The boys have been asking for you. It’s been two weeks since you’ve seen them. Can you spare some time for them or should I make plans to keep their mind off not seeing you once again today?
Pressing send, I let the anger flow through me. This shit with Anthony is starting to affect our boys and that’s not what I ever wanted to happen for any reason. Instead of Anthony being the amazing dad I know he is, he’s neglecting his children because of whatever he currently feels toward me. That’s not okay in any sense of the situation. Anthony can spend time with our boys and not have anything to do with me if that’s how he wants things to be. They don’t deserve to be ignored by him or feel as if he doesn’t love them like I know he does.
My phone buzzes on the counter where I set it after sending the message. Picking it up, I see Anthony actually responded to me. It’s a fucking miracle!
Anthony: I’ll come get them after breakfast and spend the day with them. We’ll be at the clubhouse. Can you have them ready?
Me: I’ll have them ready to go. Making their breakfast now.
I know he won’t message me back. There’s no reason for him to. Leaning against the counter, I let the tears I’ve been holding in for so long now loose. I cry for the relationship I’m missing with Anthony. For our boys feeling as if they’ve done something wrong to make him not come home. I cry for the loss of my best friend. Most of all, I cry for the baby I’m carrying who will be born into a broken home because Anthony fell out of love with me. That’s the only explanation for what’s going on in our relationship right now. We’ve been together for so long that he no longer loves me and doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. That’s fine. He’s entitled to his own opinion and his feelings matter. If he doesn’t want to be with me, I’m not about to force him to. However, our boys are a completely different story. If he doesn’t want to be a dad any longer, then he can cut all ties and I’ll move back home.
My dad and Keegan have been my rocks for my entire life. Especially my dad. I’m a daddy’s girl and more than okay with that. If I want to move back home and get away from Anthony to be happy and make sure our boys are happy, my parents won’t have a single problem with packing me up and taking me there themselves. The only thing stopping me is taking the boys away from Anthony. This entire situation is one I never saw myself in and now I have to deal with the reality of my new life. One as a single mom who loves a man that doesn’t love me anymore.
Getting breakfast around for the boys, I know I have to eat for the baby I’m carrying. It’s so hard when my stomach is tied in knots and it’s the last thing I want to do. However, I will always do what is best for my children. Including the one I carry inside. So, while making pancakes for the boys, I make myself some eggs and toast. We can at least eat together before I get them ready to go with their dad for the day.
After waking Andrew and Griffin up, we make our way downstairs where their breakfast is waiting for them. I watch them eat as I pick at my own breakfast. Andrew is telling me about a dream he had last night where he was chased by dinosaurs. I can’t help but laugh at his expressions and excitement over his dream. These are the best moments in my life as far as I’m concerned. Griffin isn’t one to let his brother outdo him so he starts telling me some insane story that’s completely over the top and straight from his imagination. I freaking love it. My boys are always making up stories and trying to make everyone around them laugh. It’s how Anthony used to be. I was constantly laughing when we were together. And it’s one of the things I miss the most about the man I fell in love with so long ago.
Anthony got the boys after breakfast and didn’t say two words to me. My heart breaks every single time I see him and notice how much distance has grown between the two of us. So, as soon as the boys and him left, I sat down on the couch and let myself cry once more. This time I had music playing on my phone and let the sad songs flow one after another as I realized the love I thought I had was merely an illusion. When Love is Gone by Slander comes on, I press repeat. This song fits my current mood and I let myself listen to it for a little while before pulling up my big girl panties and wiping the tears from my face.
Grabbing the notebook I’ve been using, I look over the business plan I started almost two years ago just before I had Griffin. When I had him, Anthony and I talked about me being a stay at home mom. Instead of just sitting home though, I help out at the various businesses the club owns when they need it. This allowed me to work on a fairly regular basis while also being at home with the boys when I needed to be with them. So it all worked out for me. Now, my situation is changing and I need to think about the boys and how I’m going to support them. Especially with a baby on the way.
After reading through the plan I’ve already mapped out, I make a few changes and tweaks so I can type it all up when I’m ready to take it to the club. This has been my dream for so damn long and it’s way past time for me to do something I want for me. In the long run it will benefit the kids because I’ll be earning my own money to support them and will be able to set my own hours. I’ll have to find childcare or bring them to work with me, but I can figure all of that out once I get closer to opening the store up. Honestly, I’d love to bring them to work with me. I can set up a corner for kids so their parents can bring them in the store and know they have an area to play and read in while they shop for books.
I make a note on a separate sheet of paper to include that in my plan. Ripping out the pages I’ve already worked on, I rewrite them in a better way so everything flows smoothly from one section of the plan into the next. For hours, I do nothing but work on the business plan I’ve neglected for far too long. It feels so damn good to get it all down on paper for the first time. When I look back through it, I decide to give myself some time before I read it through again and then I’ll make any changes I need to before typing it up and going to talk to Venom and Bull about things. Hopefully they feel as if a bookstore would be beneficial to Cedar Bay and I can convince them my plan is a good one. That’s the one thing everyone has to do if they want to open up their own business under the club.
Before I know it, it’s time to clean the house and get dinner started. I’m not sure if Anthony will feed the boys before he brings them back home or not. Which is something else I need to start thinking of. If Anthony and I aren’t going to be together, then I have to find somewhere to live that’s not on club property. It’s too hard to be around everyone I grew up with and watch them in love and happy with the families they’ve created. The same one I used to have of my own. Now, my world is fractured and it’s time for me to realize that’s not going to change. Not when Anthony wants nothing to do with me and has made it more than clear he’s ready for our relationship to be over. It’s time to cut him loose and let him live his life the way he wants.
Getting up and placing my notebook back in its hiding spot, I go through the entire house and clean it from top to bottom as I do on a daily basis. Gathering up the laundry, I start a load while making sure there’s not one in the dryer I forgot about. Making my way to the kitchen, I pull out what I need to make the boys chicken nuggets and fries before turning on the oven. As it preheats, I clean up the kitchen and make sure I’ve got juice for the boys to have with their dinner tonight. When we watch a movie, they can have a glass of milk.
Every single day is the same for me. I wake up and do my thing before waking the boys up once their breakfast is started and almost ready to go. While they nap after breakfast and before lunch, I clean the house from top to bottom and get the laundry going. When I’m done with that, I make lunch for the boys and myself before waking them up so they stay on their schedule. Once we eat lunch, I find something for us to do either at the house or out in town. We’ve even ventured over to the neighboring towns the last few days to see what they have to offer kids. I managed to find a kid’s museum the boys loved and I plan on taking them to again. When it’s time, we come back home and I make dinner for the three of us not even pretending Anthony will show up. Then it’s time for a movie, baths, and then getting the boys into bed. My life is the same thing every single day and it’s becoming monotonous. I’m bored to death and need something to do.
As I’m pulling out dinner from the oven and plating it up, Anthony and the boys walk through the front door. My heart stutters in my chest because it’s something I’ve witnessed countless times since we moved in here. Anthony is laughing at something Andrew is telling him as he holds Griffin to his hard, muscular chest. Tears fill my eyes as I turn away from them and let them finish what they’re doing.
“Mama,” Andrew says, his voice filled with excitement as Anthony comes in the kitchen.
“You’re not eatin’?” he asks me, seeing only two plates on the counter in front of me.
“Nope. I’ll eat something later on,” I tell him, keeping my attention on the task at hand.
“Did you make anythin’ else?” he questions me as Griffin wiggles to be let down.
Setting our son on the floor at his feet, Anthony doesn’t let go of him until he makes sure he’s steady. It’s something we both do with the boys. Anthony turns his attention back to me, waiting for an answer to his question.
“No, I didn’t. Figured it’d be another night with you doing whatever it is you do lately so I didn’t bother making anything. Besides, I don’t have a lot of food here right now. I have to pull money from my savings to go get groceries,” I answer him honestly.
I’m not about to ask Anthony for a fucking thing. If I’m going to be a single mom then I’ll do it on my own. My daddy raised me to never need to depend on a man to take care of myself. Now, I don’t have to just take care of myself. I’ve got two little boys and another baby on the way. So, I’ve got money in savings I can pull from that my dad has been adding to since the day I was born. Mainly for my birthday and holidays now, but he still manages to put money in my account for me.
“Why didn’t you tell me? I can give you money to buy groceries and shit, Kasey. This is ridiculous,” he huffs out, irritation filling his voice.
“Shield, I really don’t want to get into this with the boys here, but since I know it’s the only time I’ll see you, I guess we are. You’re doing your own thing and barely respond to me at all. So, why would I ask you for money to buy groceries? I’m sure you’ll think I’m using it for something else. I am more than capable of taking care of the boys without having to call you for a damn thing. Now, I’m going to feed them dinner before we watch a movie and then they get ready for bed. So, if you don’t plan on sticking around as usual, then I’d appreciate it if you leave so I can get them settled down,” I tell him, keeping my voice as low as I can since the boys are at the table waiting for their food.
“Kasey, there’s no reason to be like this. I don’t have a problem givin’ you money and there’s no way I’d believe you were doin’ anythin’ with it that you didn’t say it was for. I don’t even know where that belief comes from. I haven’t done anythin’ for you to think I’d treat you like that,” he tries again, keeping his voice equally as low.
“Yeah, you have Shield. You’ve ignored me, ignored the boys who adore you and love you with their entire heart and soul, and you don’t come home. I don’t care what the fuck you’re doing with your time. You don’t need to tell me a damn thing. Though, it would be nice if you’d at least tell me we’re over so I can start packing and getting my things out of your house,” I tell him as a lone tear slides down my face.
“I don’t know what I want, Kasey. Everythin’ is so fucked in my head and I can’t sort it out. I just need time,” he says, looking at the floor where he stands. “And why the fuck are you callin’ me Shield. You’ve never called me that since I got my road name. I’ve always been Anthony to you.”
“You don’t need time, Shield. You don’t want to be with me and only want to see the boys when you can. That’s not a fucking dad. So, you need to make up your mind about the boys and either you see them on a regular basis, or you leave the three of us alone. You wanna go out and fuck a hundred girls, go do it. Just know I won’t be here to watch it happen. I’ve loved you my entire life it seems and I can’t stop loving you no matter how hard I try. So, go live your life and don’t worry about the family you helped create. I’ve got the three of us. I’ll see you later, Shield,” I tell him as I grab the boys’ plates from the counter. “And you’ve become Shield because I respect you enough not to call you the name an ol’ lady would. Something you never loved me enough to do. Goodbye, Shield.”
