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With tears in my eyes, I set the boys’ plates down before going to get their drinks. Anthony doesn’t stick around long after giving both boys a hug and kiss. He leaves me alone in the house he had designed for us and gently shuts the door behind him. The soft click breaks my heart because he’s not going to fight for us. Anthony is well and truly done with this family and now we’ll have to figure out how to split custody and ensure the boys aren’t put in the middle of our shit. I’m ready to move on with my life if that’s what it comes down to. Now it’s time for me to focus on my boys and start making plans to get away from Anthony. He’ll always be Anthony to me when I’m alone. If I’m talking to him or anyone else, he is now Shield.
Chapter Four
Shield
LAST NIGHT I stayed at the house and slept on the couch once again. When Kasey messaged me and told me the boys were asking about me, it broke my fucking heart. I didn’t even realize two weeks had passed without me seeing them. I’ve been so lost in my head and the boys are the ones suffering because I can’t seem to figure my shit out. All I’ve been doing is working and sleeping at the clubhouse. I don’t talk to anyone and I’m not fucking anyone. I’m literally lost in my head about what to do and whether or not Kasey and I have a relationship that can be fixed or not. At this point, I’m still not sure if I want to fix what’s going on between us. I can’t bring myself to talk to her and that’s not something I ever thought I’d think about my best friend.
Waking up, I stretch and listen to my bones crack from sleeping on the couch. It’s killing my body to sleep here, but I can’t bring myself to climb into bed with Kasey. There’s really nothing she’s doing wrong or anything, it’s me. Yes, I know that’s the standard thing when relationships fail, but I’m not just saying that. I truly don’t know what’s wrong with me and why I can’t even bring myself to have a conversation with Kasey. I’ve never had a problem talking to her about things in the past. However, when it comes to sex and the problems I have with us, I can’t open my mouth and talk. Not to Kasey or anyone else. It’s fucking with my head more than anything else has in a long time.
My eyes go to the kitchen and I find Kasey dancing to the soft music playing on her phone as she makes breakfast. This is nothing new when it comes to her. Kasey loves listening to music and dancing around. I can remember nights spent dancing with her in the kitchen for no reason at all. She’d be in there dancing and cooking and something about the serene look on her face would draw me to her. I’d wrap her in my arms and we’d dance in the kitchen. It’s been a long time since that’s happened. I can’t even remember the last time we danced together. Today, I’m not drawn to Kasey. Her face isn’t serene as she sings softly along with the song. Right now, silent tears make tracks down her cheeks as she tries to focus on what she’s doing.
Getting off the couch, I grab the blanket and fold it to place on the end where it’s been left for me. The pillows are from the couch and I straighten them back out before sitting down to put my boots back on. I can shower and change at the clubhouse. Right now, I need to get out of the house. I feel as if I can’t breathe because I’m the reason Kasey is crying in the fucking kitchen and not dancing as she normally does. She’s barely moving her body. I’ve taken something so simple and carefree from her.
“I, uh, gotta get to the clubhouse. I need to meet with Venom and Vikin’ before goin’ to work this afternoon,” I lamely say without looking in Kasey’s direction.
“Wasn’t planning on you staying for breakfast or anything. But, if you’re gonna go, you should leave now. I’m about to get the boys up. Wouldn’t want to delay your departure from the house,” she replies, none of the sass she’d normally give me filling her voice.
“Kasey,” I begin, not even sure what I want to say to her.
“Don’t, Shield. There’s nothing you can say to make this situation better. Well, you could tell me what the hell is going on, but we both know that’s not going to happen. So, disappear as you’ve been doing for over a month now. I’ve got this here as usual,” she states, leaving the kitchen and heading toward the bedrooms.
Shaking my head, I make my way to the front door and leave. The soft click of the door latching makes me feel as if the door to even start fixing things with Kasey is slamming shut. I can’t fix anything if I can’t wrap my head around what’s going on with me though. That’s the real problem here. If I could put into words what I feel or what’s wrong then we could sit down and talk about things. How do I tell her that our relationship is stale? That I want more when it comes to sex? I don’t have the first clue. So, that’s the shit I have to figure out. The things I’ve been trying to figure out since I started feeling this way.
Climbing on my bike, I ride the short distance to the clubhouse and park in the line of bikes. I remain outside for a few minutes as I take in the bright sun as it warms everything around me. The sound of the birds chirping as they fly from one tree to the next. There’s so much life around me and I can’t appreciate any of it because I’m fucking everything else up in my life. Shaking my head, I climb off my bike and head in the clubhouse.
Viking and Venom are sitting at a table together and I make my way over to them.
“Do you have a minute?” I ask them, not taking a seat because I don’t want to interrupt if they say no.
“What about?” Venom asks me, looking up from the papers in front of him.
“I’ve been thinkin’ about shit at Wild Things. I think we need to hire more employees. We’re down to three dancers, one bartender, and no waitresses. I’ve been workin’ as a bouncer while Vikin’ does his thing. We all fill in where it’s needed and it would help if we had others who could take the burden off our shoulders,” I say, looking between Venom and Viking.
“That’s what we were just talkin’ about,” Viking says, glaring at me. “But, do you want to hire more people so you have more options to fuck there? You know we don’t mix business with our pleasure.”
“What are you talkin’ about?” Venom questions, his voice going hard.
“I’m not sure what would’ve happened if I hadn’t walked up to this fucker and Clarissa a few weeks ago. She was all over him and he was doin’ nothin’ to stop her. Last I knew he was with Kasey. I know you’ve been spendin’ all your time here, but that’s fucked up, Shield. You fuckin’ around on the woman who loves you almost as much as your children. Also, heard you haven’t seen those boys in two weeks,” Viking answers, throwing my personal shit out there without thinking if I want Venom to know what’s going on with me.
“Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me right now?” Venom growls out, his voice even harder. “You’re lettin’ Clarissa hang all over you and don’t spend any time with your kids? I don’t give a fuck what’s goin’ on with you and Kasey, but you don’t ignore your fuckin’ kids. Yes, I do care what’s goin’ on with Kasey because she’s like a sister to me. You fuckin’ hurt her, I’ll be the first one behind Rage to beat your fuckin’ ass. That girl gives you fuckin’ everythin’ and if you’re cheatin’ on her, that’s not somethin’ anyone here will forgive. You’re fuckin’ better than that.”
“Are you serious? My relationship with Kasey isn’t up for fuckin’ discussion. It’s between the two of us and what goes on is between the two of us. Vikin’, I don’t need you puttin’ my personal business out there for fuckin’ everyone to know. If I wanted people to know, I’d tell them myself. I haven’t told anyone what’s goin’ on and I’m sure Kasey hasn’t either. So, quit bein’ a fuckin’ gossip and leave my personal shit out of your fuckin’ mouth,” I growl out, slamming my hands on the table in front of me.
“I’m not fuckin’ gossipin’, Shield. I asked a fuckin’ question and put facts out there. You want to fuck around, then break up with Kasey first. And don’t forget you have two little boys who love the fuck out of you for some reason. I sure as fuck don’t know why they do, but you’re their person and to see what you’re doin’ and knowin’ it’s hurtin’ them isn’t your personal business when everyone here knows about it,” Viking says, standing from his seat and getting in my face as he leans over the table.
“Listen, I don’t know what’s goin’ on. I don’t put myself in the middle of you guys and your women. What I do know is Kasey is family. She grew up with us and has done more for each one of us than most anyone else around here. Kasey gives to everyone around her and I know this shit is killin’ her. You not makin’ her your ol’ lady has been killin’ her for a very long time. I see it every single time she’s with the ol’ ladies. She looks at their rags, of our claimin’ of our women. Then she looks down at her own body to see nothin’ there. Shield, you’ve been hurtin’ that girl for fuckin’ years and this is the last straw. I don’t know if there is any comin’ back from this for you,” Venom says, staring me down. “The other thing I know is she doesn’t come around anymore. Not to the clubhouse unless our parents are in town. She doesn’t go to Haley’s if she knows Haley is gonna be there. And she goes out of town to shop or do anything instead of goin’ to one of our businesses. That girl is fuckin’ isolatin’ herself and it’s because of you.”
“I’m not fuckin’ anyone else. I’m not cheatin’ on Kasey. You wanna know what the fuck is goin’ on so bad? Our relationship is fuckin’ stale. I don’t even want to be in the same bed as her. I want things sexually and I doubt Kasey would be up for it. I don’t know how to fuckin’ talk to her about it either. So, yeah, when Clarissa paid me attention the other night, I ate that shit up. I was excited about the possibilities for the first time in months,” I yell out, only stopping when I hear a gasp behind me.
Turning my head to look over my shoulder, I find Kasey standing there. If I thought she was crying in the kitchen earlier, it’s nothing compared to now. Now, the tears are flowing freely down her face as she looks at me with devastation filling her face. The boys have no clue what’s going on as they continue talking to one another.
Without a word, Kasey turns around and takes the boys with her out of the clubhouse. My head drops as I realize she heard everything I just shouted out in anger and frustration. I’m not saying it’s not the truth, because it is. It’s just not the way I wanted Kasey to find out what’s going on with me. Or how I feel about our relationship. Instead of making anything better, I just made everything a lot worse. There is no going back from this moment and I have to figure out what the fuck to do so she doesn’t run. If Kasey calls Rage, he’ll come get her immediately and take her back to Clifton Falls. I won’t be able to see my boys if she does that. Boys I love with every part of me.
“Fuck!” Viking yells out, slamming his chair so hard it breaks in his hands.
“This is a fuckin’ mess. Shield, I don’t know what to even say to you. If you ever want to think about fixin’ this shit with Kasey, you better figure your shit out. Quickly,” Venom says, shaking his head at me before standing and gathering his things to leave the common room.
Instead of remaining in the common room, I turn and head for my room. I need a hot shower and to lay on a fucking bed before I have to go to work in a few hours. I’m going in early because the dancers want to have a practice session. One of us are usually there to open. Brantley will go in with me so he can start getting the bar and main floor ready. He’ll clean and make sure all the glasses and shit are washed and ready for when we open the doors. I typically help him out while ignoring what’s going on with the dancers. However, Clarissa has been pulling my attention more and more since she walked up to me at the bar in Wild Things. I’m fucked!
