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Stepping in through the front door, I stop dead in my tracks. Kasey is standing in the kitchen with her back to me. Her arms are wrapped around her body as her shoulders shake. She’s crying silently in the dark. This is what I’ve fucking reduced her to. She’s spent all day with our boys and now, when they’re in bed and dreaming happy shit, she’s breaking apart. What the fuck have I done?
Chapter Seven
Kasey
AFTER PUTTING THE boys down for bed, I went through the entire house and made sure every window and door was locked while turning off the lights as I went. I just wanted to be alone in the dark and take a few minutes to breathe without having the boys witness me breaking down. That’s the last thing they need to see and I’m not about to shatter their innocent little worlds because Anthony and I can’t get our shit together. So, when I’m alone, I can break down and let all the pain and fear out. When the boys are awake, I do my best to paste a fake smile on my face and pretend everything is okay. That Anthony is simply working or doing something for the club and he’ll be there to see the boys as soon as he’s done. So far it’s working for them. I’m a different story completely.
Standing at the kitchen counter, I let the tears slide down my face as I rest my hands in front of me. My shoulders are hunched over and I don’t make a sound. Andrew is just getting to sleep and he wakes up very easily until he’s in a deep sleep. I’m so lost in my own head. I run through every single possibility of what I’ve done wrong to push Anthony away so far from me. From our family. For as long as I can remember, I’ve done everything I could for him and our boys. When I’m not working, I make sure our home is clean, there’s food on the table for each meal, and that Anthony has everything he could want or need.
After several minutes, I turn around and scream out when I see a man standing in the living room of the house. As my eyes adjust, I realize it’s Anthony.
“What the fuck are you doing? You just scared the shit out of me,” I practically yell at him while trying to keep my voice low so I don’t wake the boys up.
“Got sent home from work. We need to talk, Kasey,” Anthony says, not moving closer to me or at all. “And why is the front door unlocked? You usually lock everythin’ up tighter than hell. I walked right in and you didn’t hear me at all.”
“I haven’t gotten around to locking that door yet. In case you missed it, I had a slight breakdown just now because I have no clue what the fuck is going on with us and it’s not like you’re telling me a fucking thing. You can’t stand to be in the house with us. I shouldn’t have to send you a message to spend time with the boys, but that’s where we’re at. Do you truly hate me so fucking much that you’re making our kids suffer, Shield?” I ask him, letting the tears slide down my face again as all the pain and hurt about our situation courses through my veins.
“I don’t hate you, Kasey. I couldn’t ever hate you. I don’t have the slightest clue what’s goin’ on with me. What I know is this feels stale and I’m bored. Every day is the same fuckin’ thing. Even when we have sex, it’s the same shit every single time. Don’t you ever wanna do anythin’ different? Try new things?” he asks me, getting to the heart of the problem finally.
“That’s why you’re letting other women hang all over you. You want something exciting and fresh. I never once said we couldn’t try new things or do different things when it comes to our sex life, Shield. You never once said anything to me about any of this. I’m not a fucking mind reader and don’t know where your head’s at with shit. Before, we would’ve been able to talk about this. Instead, you continue choosing to shut me out and ignore the situation at all costs. If you want to be with other women, then be a fucking man and tell me the truth. Because it’s not just our boys that are hurting. I found out recently that I’m pregnant. At this point, I’m guessing I got pregnant the last time you decided I was worthy of having sex with. I go to the doctor soon to verify everything and get checked out. So, make your decision right here and now. Are you gonna try and fix this between us or are you gonna walk away?" I ask him, wiping at the tears sliding down my face even though I can’t stop them from falling.
For the longest time, Anthony doesn’t say anything. He stands there and stares at me as if I’ve just told him I have some contagious disease.
“You’re pregnant again?” he finally asks, anger lacing his voice. “How could you fuckin’ let this happen?”
“How could I let this happen? I didn’t climb on top of myself and get pregnant, Shield. You were there and helped create this baby. Just like you did with our boys. If anything, you know I’m not on birth control. I’ve never been able to take it. Have you ever once thought about using condoms when we have sex? No, you haven’t. So, don’t act surprised when I tell you I’m pregnant. This is the worst fucking time for a baby, but I don’t really give a fuck. If I’m a single mom of three kids, then that’s what I am. You want nothing to do with our children, then get the fuck out, Shield. We don’t need you. But I won’t have my boys pulled in a million directions because one second you want to be a dad and the next you want to be the single guy without any responsibilities,” I lash out, letting my anger fuel my words and making sure Anthony knows I’m done playing games with him.
“I can’t deal with this shit right now,” Anthony finally says, his voice almost a whisper as he turns back toward the front door.
“If you leave right now, Shield, I will be leaving this house. I will stay in Cedar Bay and we can figure out a custody arrangement for the boys. However, I will not let you continue to treat me like shit or not deal with things going on in our lives. This is serious and shit we should be talking about. Instead, you’re gonna run away again. So, just know what your actions are causing me to do. I don’t want our children to grow up in a broken home and I’d do anything to make this work with you. You’re the one who can’t stand and fight for his family. Nothing but a fucking coward,” I promise Anthony as he starts walking once again and leaves the house.
The soft click of the front door is louder in the silent house than if he had slammed the door behind him. I stand frozen between the kitchen and living room as I listen to Anthony’s bike start up and him pull away from the house. More tears fall down my face as I sink to the floor and curl up on myself. I wrap my arms around my entire body and try to hold myself together. Anthony has just fucking shattered my entire heart and soul into a million pieces. I don’t feel as if I’ll ever be whole again.
Waking up the next morning, I know it’s going to be a long fucking day. My eyes are killing me from crying most of the night. Anthony never did come back home and I have no clue where he is. My tears are for the family I’m losing, the new baby who won’t ever know what a happy family is, and for Anthony feeling as if he can’t talk to me. I’m losing more than the love of my life. I’m losing my best friend, the father of my children, and the one person I thought would always have my back besides my dad and mom. Anthony is the love of my life and I don’t see myself ever moving on from him. There isn’t room in my broken, shattered heart to let anyone else in. He truly is the only man for me and I can’t have him anymore.
Going through the same routine I do on a daily basis, I quickly get myself ready to go for the day before heading downstairs to get my boys their breakfast. I have a lot to do today and the boys will have to come with me. The first thing I do is look online for any apartments or houses available for rent in Cedar Bay or really close to here. There’s a few trailers in town that are for rent. So, I call the number while pulling out what I need to make French toast for the boys. I make myself some eggs while the French toast is cooking and put some bread in the toaster to go with it. I can’t let my loss of appetite make me not take care of the baby I’m carrying now.
The person I speak with about the trailer is an older woman who seems very friendly. She goes over everything with me and tells me I can come look at the three trailers she has available today and decide which one I’d like to have. Or not have. She knows most people don’t want to live in a trailer and has done her best to maintain them. At this point, if it allows me to remain in Cedar Bay, I don’t care where my boys and I live. As long as it’s clean, there’s a roof over our heads, and I can still give Anthony access to the boys. Making Andrew and Griffin happy is the only thing that matters to me. They love their daddy and I will make sure they get to spend time with him as often as possible.
Heading upstairs once everything is ready to go, I get the boys up and ready to eat their breakfast. I’ll get them dressed and pack a bag to take with us when we head out. I don’t plan on coming back until I absolutely have to tonight. If Anthony comes back to the house, I don’t want to see him. I’m not ready to after he turned his back and walked out on me. Walked out on us. I’m not the only person in this family that Anthony took off on last night. He also took off on our boys in the middle of the night. I didn’t think he’d ever do that and got the surprise of my life when he did. Anthony might not believe me that I’m going to leave this house, but he’ll find out really quick that my words were the promise I made them out to be. Anthony is about to have this big house all to himself because I’m done. I can’t continue hurting on a daily basis the way I am.
“Mama sad,” Andrew says as we sit down at the table.
“I’m not sad, baby boy. I’m just tired. Mama didn’t have a good night last night. I’ll be okay. We’ve got a busy day ahead of us today. Maybe we’ll go see Valor again. Would you like that?” I ask Andrew after making sure the boys have their drinks and are ready to eat.
“Yay!” Andrew cheers before he starts eating his breakfast.
Griffin eats slower than Andrew as he chews every single bite deliberately before swallowing. He’s always been the more careful of our children. Andrew runs into shit head first and doesn’t give a fuck if he gets hurt or anything. He’s my little daredevil and Glock has told me more than once that’s how Anthony was when he was a little boy. I’ve always been more reserved and careful about what I do and that’s where Griffin gets it from. Just one more way our boys are just like us. I see Anthony in both of them every day, but there are such differences between the two of them that anyone who knows Anthony can’t help but notice which attributes our boys have that are all from him.
After the boys finish their breakfast and I clean up the kitchen, I get them ready for the day. Heading out to the SUV, I get them strapped into their seats before climbing in the driver’s seat and starting the engine. It doesn’t take me long to head for the trailer park on the edge of town. I pull in the small driveway and park closest to the trailer in front of all the others. That’s the owner’s trailer and who I’ll be meeting today to take a look at the trailers.
Getting the boys out of their car seats, I hold their hands tightly in mine and help them up the stairs of the porch. The woman, Elaine, is already opening the door as I come to a stop. She’s got a warm, inviting smile on her face.
“Kasey?” she asks me, her voice washing over me and coating me in warmth.
“That’s me,” I answer with my own smile on my face.
“Here are the keys for the three empty trailers. I’ll let you look at them on your own and make a decision based on what you see. Just bring me back the keys when you’re done and we’ll talk then,” she says, handing over three sets of keys while pointing out the trailers available. “The one with three bedrooms is right next to a young girl named Lyric. She’s been here for as long as I can remember. Her sister, Paige lives with her. The other two trailers are only two bedrooms. So, take your time and I’ll be here waiting for you when you’re done.”
