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I laugh humorlessly. “I’m not telling Kai I’m afraid to kiss him.” The truth slides out by accident.
“Well no, that’s not what I meant,” Leah says. “Like, if you’re feeling vulnerable because of what happened with Nick.”
“I actually feel safer now with Kai than I did before.” I replay the moment he shoved his fist into Nick’s nose. Seeing him stand up for me like that makes me feel differently about him. “He freaking punched him, Leah.”
She nods with raised brows. “I know he did.”
I stare across the room at the brick wall outside the window. “He didn’t have to…but he did.” That decision came from somewhere protective. I still haven’t decided what that means, but I like knowing he feels that way about me.
“He cares about you, Soph. Whether or not that means anything more, he does care.”
I close my eyes. My feelings for him are shifting. He’s so much more genuine than I originally thought. Despite our differences, we get along incredibly well when we aren’t trying to push each other away. I don’t want to lose the closeness we’ve built. Seeing now that he really cares for me, I want to grow it. But I know I can’t expect to ever change him.
“It doesn’t mean anything more.” I confirm. “Even if he does care, he’s made it very clear that casual dating is his only game, and I have to respect that.” I do respect that, now. He’s been hurt by someone he cared deeply for, and risking his heart again is too dangerous for him. He’s protecting himself, and I’m finding out that I actually understand him more than I originally thought.
The truth is, I’m afraid to risk my heart too. I’m searching for someone I can immediately fall in love with and trust implicitly, without fear that they will hurt me. But when is that ever realistic? I’m headed toward an inevitable train wreck in thinking I could give my heart so easily to someone who’ll promise their commitment so quickly. That fairytale doesn’t exist. Maybe I need to loosen my expectations. Maybe I need to try something less serious before diving head-first into the deep end.
Leah pulls out a stool at the counter and sits down with a sigh. “Some guys are just that way. You probably won’t be able to change him.”
“I know. But is he trying to change me?”
“Do you want him to?” Leah asks.
I laugh and throw my arm over my eyes as I spin in my spot so that I can lay flat on the sofa. “I don’t know… Am I actually admitting that? Or am I just grasping at any straw that might give me a chance with him?” He’s the catalyst here, after all. If he wasn’t part of the equation, would I be making these same excuses for changing my rules so drastically?
“You’ll never know until you try.” Leah shrugs. It’s the same thing she’s said to me over and over again. But the pain from my attempt at the same thing last year with Jarret stings too much. I felt completely worthless when I cried heavy, regretful tears into my pillow that night.
But is it really the same thing? Kai isn’t a stranger at a college frat party. He’s my friend now. What would casually dating him look like? Would it even be considered casual if we know each other so well already? And what would happen once the period of ‘casual’ finally ended? Would we both move on while still staying friends? Could we stay friends? Or could it possibly turn into something more? Would he ever allow himself something like that again, or would he always guard his heart too closely?
More importantly, would he even want to date me if I told him I was open to something non-committal? Or are we too far past that opportunity? He’d probably think I was trying to manipulate him into something more. Would I be? Could I really be content with a simple fling? Because I would be risking my heart too.
I imagine myself suggesting the idea to him. In my mind, he watches me with wide, offended eyes. Are you out of your mind, Sophie? That’s what he’d say. At this point, he’s kept his promise to me so long that it seems disrespectful to even consider broaching the topic.
“No.” I sit up straight. The realization hits me like a ton of bricks. “No, I don’t want that.” I know, almost beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I’d eventually fall for him. I’ve repressed my feelings for so long that finally giving in would send me catapulting into the sticky depths of a deeper attachment. We’re too close already. I’d need more.
Or worse, we’d give it a try and then end up even more angry with each other. That would make for a horrible three-month stretch on the stage.
“I know you don’t. I was just testing you.” Leah smirks. “Don’t change yourself for him.”
I groan, because, oh, his lips on me, and those perfect green eyes staring back into mine… To have even a few weeks of bliss in his arms would be perfect in its own way. To kiss him…just because I want to. Not because it’s written in a script. But I’ve poured out so much of it to him already, hurt would be inevitable once we eventually parted ways. As much as I want numerous, unattached, wild nights with him, the attachment is already there. If I finally give in and give that part of myself to him, a deeper part of me will sneak through too.
No matter how hard I’ve tried to avoid it, my heart is already invested. This is no longer about the heated physical attraction between us. This is so much more. If I wanted something casual, I should have stayed with him the first night we met, when he was still a stranger to me. On that night, I found the strength to walk away, but now that we’ve grown so close, the thought of walking away threatens to shatter my heart.
I close my eyes and rest my chin on my palm while Leah eyes me sympathetically. Maybe a shattered heart is better than a neglected one. I can’t deny the truth any longer. I want him in every capacity, but losing him in any capacity seems like too great a pain to bear.
***
“Listen to me, Elaine,” Kai says his line as I walk away from him.
“We can’t do this to her.” I run my hand through my hair and stare into the distance, across the empty seats in the theater. “We just can’t.”
“Yes, but you have to be true to yourself, Elaine.”
I turn quickly and glare at him. “She’s dying, William.”
“But you’re not.” He takes a step toward me. There is pain in his eyes. “You’re living. And I know you want me the same as I want you. We can’t continue pretending like we’re not miserable keeping up this charade.”
I’m miserable, Kai. Are you?
