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My hands find his broad shoulders, grasping at anything to hold onto for the moment…this moment when we are finally succumbing to the incredible tension that has grown between us during the course of the evening.
This moment. With him.
Just this moment.
But, as if triggered by those simple two words, my heart stops in my chest. This moment. That’s all this is. Just a moment. Kai only wants me in this moment. Just like he wanted all the other women in all the other individual moments. There is nothing special here. Just another moment, thrown into a deck of memories with all the other meaningless moments that preceded it.
I see Jarrett in my mind, staring indifferently at the headboard above me, and then telling me to leave because he’s done with me. He had his fill. I served my purpose.
I don’t want this.
Oh God, I can’t believe my mind is going to betray me like this… But my feelings have actually—regretfully—changed in an instant.
Mentally, I leave the room. My brain goes somewhere else, and Kai is no longer here. My body goes numb, and my thoughts turn flat. As painful, and heartbreaking, and earth-shatteringly difficult as it is to stop him, I know I have to. Somewhere deep inside of me, a small voice crushes my dreams and tells me to put an end to this.
I want to scream at myself; to scream at my conscience for being so cruel to me. But I can’t.
I press my palms into Kai’s shoulders, whispering through labored breaths. “Wait…I can’t…”
He breaks the kiss and looks at me with concern. “Are you ok?” His eyes are heavily lidded by the desire that still courses through him.
I continue to press my hands into his shoulders, and I turn my face from him, too embarrassed to look him in the eye. “Yes, I just…I can’t do this. I’m sorry…”
He drops his hand and yields to my request, taking a step back, breathing heavily, and watching me with apprehension. “What’s wrong?”
I shake my head and shift my dress back down my thighs, stepping around him and avoiding his gaze. “I just…I don’t…I don’t do things like this. I’m so sorry I led you on…” I quickly pick up my bag and run my fingers through my tangled hair. “I should leave.”
Kai slowly turns as I step around him, continuing to face me with confusion. “What did I do? I’m sorry. I thought you wanted this…”
I finally look up at him. “No, don’t apologize. Really…that’s the thing. I do…I did…but I can’t. I shouldn’t. This is not me.”
The passion and desire is draining from his expression and quickly being replaced by guilt and puzzlement. “I didn’t realize…” He steps toward me.
But I retreat away from him again, too afraid his proximity will still have an effect on me. “No, and you couldn’t have known. I’ve been leading you on all night. This is my fault. I’m sorry. I should go.” I look at the door behind him desperately. He will have to move to let me through.
“Why’d you come back with me, then?” He asks with a hint of irritation.
I shake my head. “I don’t know. I thought…I don’t know…”
“So, you’re leaving then, just like that?” He furrows his brow.
I keep my eyes on the door and nod.
He frowns, studies me for a moment, and then drops his eyes and steps to the side so I can move past him.
I continue to stare at the door, shocked that I’ve let things get this far only to embarrass both of us like this.
“I really am sorry,” I whisper one last time, and then I walk past him to the door without meeting his eyes.
“Yeah…” he sighs.
I squeeze my eyes shut. I’m the jerk tonight.
“At least let me hail you a cab,” he says quietly as my hand touches the doorknob.
I pause and sigh, staring down at the cool metal under my fingers. “I really don’t need to bother you with anything else tonight. I’ll be fine.”
“I’d like to make sure you get home safely. I feel responsible for that, at least.” His voice is calm now. It’s no longer labored and breathless. It’s low, saddened, and even.
