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I take two deep breaths. I want to disappear. I need a minute to process. On the inside, I want to yell. I hate the universe for putting me here, faced with this choice. But I turn to them and try to keep my expression composed.
Kai and I are now shoulder to shoulder, facing the others. The playwright leans into the director’s ear and whispers something, smiling.
“Ok, Kai, we’re starting with the garden scene. And for both of you, here’s a little refresher about where we are in the story. William has been walking Elaine home from work. If you remember, she’s still very shy around him at this point, and they both feel a bit of a reluctance with each other. The war has just ended, and William has returned merely days ago. They’ve taken a moment to sit down on a bench in the Conservatory Garden in Central Park.”
There are two chairs set up to act as a makeshift bench. Kai sits down in one and I follow him reluctantly. He casually drapes his arm around the back of my chair, just like the confident William would do.
Just like the confident Kai would do.
I chew on my lip and start to sweat. I want to be here, very badly. But at the same time, I want to be anywhere else.
“Whenever you’re ready,” the casting director says from somewhere that sounds far away. I can barely see her. The fluorescent lights above us seem brighter and hotter than usual.
There is a faint “beep” as the camera begins recording.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes for a few seconds, trying to recalibrate. You want this more than anything, Sophie. You have to do this, for you.
I put myself in Elaine’s shoes, a place I’ve become familiar with for the last few weeks. At least she feels like home. And then I begin the scene.
“I’d better be heading home. It’s getting late.”
The heat from Kai’s body seems to permeate the air between us. It’s intoxicating, and it terrifies me. But I choose to use my hesitancy as motivation for her character. I start to stand up.
“Oh…all right,” Kai replies, falling into his character too, and standing up next to me. “It’s such a nice evening, though.”
“Yes, it is.” I look at my feet nervously. “William, was the war bloody?”
“Yes, sometimes.” His voice is gentle. He seems so much more comfortable than I.
“Were there good times too? Did you have time to do anything fun?” I ask, finally peering up at him.
“I suppose, when I was stationed in Great Britain,” he replies, shrugging. “There were parties...nights out. But, not in Germany. That’s where we saw the blood.”
It’s odd, reciting lines with him. Lines that we both know, even though we’ve never practiced them together. While I’ve been desperately trying to forget him for the last three months, we’ve both been studying the same script. We’ve still been bound together by our characters.
His eyes are the same ones that I’ve seen in my mind every day since August. But this time, they’re real and tangible in front of me. I have such an urge to reach out and touch him. His real chest. His real hands. His real face. But Elaine does not touch him in the script. So, I keep my hands to myself. “Tell me something about Europe. Did you swim in the ocean?”
“Yes, the North Sea is quite something.”
“Is it salty?” I smile a little. It’s not easy.
“Yes, and cold and immense, just like ours.” His eyes beam back at me.
“What color is the North Sea?”
“It’s a sort of blue-green, and it sparkles as it moves.” He shoves his hands in his pockets and looks at the ground.
“Sparkles like the stars?” I add a bit more innocence to my voice.
His gaze meets mine again with a new intensity. “Sparkles a little bit like the way your eyes do.”
I drop my eyes to the ground, acutely aware of the weight of his stare.
Kai gestures ahead of us. “Shall we walk back through the garden?”
I look around with hesitation. “Maybe we shouldn’t. Is there a quicker way?”
“The garden is the fastest.”
