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“It’s not that I don’t believe you, it’s just that I can’t believe anyone would be able to put up with all my...damage and drama, without hating me in the end.”
“Love...” Tom shook his head.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be normal.” Salt tightened the damp skin on her cheeks.
“Normal is boring. You’re you. You’re unique.” He moved his hands to her shoulders and shook her just a little. “And you’re not broken. If you were broken, you wouldn’t still be here, you wouldn’t be in therapy, and you wouldn’t be trying anything new. You’re beautiful like kintsugi pottery; the mending makes the piece more unique and gorgeous.” He grinned, wrinkling his nose. “Besides, normal is overrated.”
“I don’t deserve you. You should find somebody who is whole and strong. Somebody who can really be a partner, somebody you don’t have to overcome your instincts with.” Someone who couldn’t carelessly kill.
“I had that, and I was bored. I settled. I didn’t have a strong desire to spend the rest of my life with her, or grow old with her, or have kids with her.” He raised a hand, waving it. “Not that I’m saying we have to have children; that’s up to you. But I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you’re the person I want to grow old with, that I want to watch grow with me, that I want to be with, period. I don’t want somebody else. I love you the way you are, today and tomorrow.”
Wiz looked down at her body and swallowed. She had to tell him. “Tom, I can’t have kids. When my attacker dropped me on the clinic’s doorstep, I was evacuated to Landstuhl for emergency surgery. I was in the hospital for weeks, recovering from the damage and the surgery. That’s the only reason that I got what little justice I received. The medical community went to bat for me and brought in the inspector general. They’d seen increasing numbers of military members being assaulted by other service members, and the attacks were getting more violent. They drew blood at the clinic, and they knew I’d been given GHB and alcohol. That’s why I can’t remember what happened. And the fuzzy half-memories make everything worse because I can’t remember the details or who did this to me. I only remember hands on me and pain and trying to get away and more pain. It’s all shadowed and flashes, and...” Wiz closed her eyes and shuddered. She had no more tears to cry but no energy to do anything but sob.
“Shh. You’re okay now. I got you.” Tom held her, rocking her gently, and stroked her back.
She felt safe, secure in his embrace. But she couldn’t have children, and they were important to Tom, that was obvious from the way he treated his nephews and nieces. She wiped her cheeks with her hands. “Tom, you’d be a great father, and you deserve to be one.”
He frowned. “I have nieces and nephews. They’re more than enough for me. If you want children, then we can adopt or foster. Plenty of kids out there who need parents. It’s not an issue for us. Really. It’s not.” He pulled her close and held her, but not too tight. “Better now?”
She nodded, her cheek rubbing against his damp shirt. She was a mess.
“Good. And I’m glad you could share your experiences with me. You don’t have to tell me anything, you know. You don’t owe me. I’ll take you as you are, if you’ll let me.”
She shook her head, bumping his firm chest. “I don’t deserve you, but I’m too weak to push you away.”
Tom huffed and released her, grasping her by the shoulders and meeting her gaze intently. “You are not weak in any way, shape, or form. You’re a survivor and a fighter. And you deserve far more than some old rancher like me. But I love you, and I’ll do my best to make sure you don’t regret being with me.”
She didn’t deserve him. “I could never regret being with you. You’re amazing and wonderful, and you’re not old.”
“Honey, I’m forty-two. That’s not young.”
“So? It’s not old, either.”
“No? If we adopted a baby, I’d be sixty by the time they finished high school. That’s not young.”
“There are guys out there having kids who are way older than you are.”
“And I don’t think that’s wise.” He shook his head. “But it’s their decision. Just like this one is yours. I love you, and I’ll do my best to convince you to stay with me, but in the end, if you can’t love me, then I’ll let you go. It will suck, and I’ll drink myself into a stupor for a week or two. But Dad will still be your father, and I’ll smile at your wedding. Because you will get married. You’re too wonderful a person to be alone, and there are too many men out there who will want you as badly as I do.” He paused and swallowed. “Well, no, I won’t be at your wedding. I’ll be getting drunk again. But I’ll smile at family get-togethers after that, I promise.”
He was being ridiculous to put her at ease. “There is no way I’d be with somebody else. No one could ever care about me the way you do. But I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to love you the way you deserve to be loved.”
He smiled confidently. “Sure you will. You already are, right now.”
“How?”
“Because my love for you doesn’t depend on you returning it. If you hated me, I’d still love you. I wouldn’t act on it, but I’ll always love you. Maybe in time, it would fade to friendship instead of relationship, but I’m never going to look for someone else. You’re it.” He smiled. “Besides, look how far you’ve come physically. I’m holding you right now, aren’t I?”
“What does that have to do with anything?” She was still too dangerous.
“You trust me enough to hold you now, and you’ll trust me more in the future. Even if we never go further than me holding you, that’s more than good enough.” He huffed and shook his head. “With what you just told me, I’m amazed and absolutely thrilled that we’ve gotten this far. But I have a question.”
“Yes?” She tensed.
He ran his hands up and down her back. “You said there was physical damage. Are you okay now, or are you still in pain?”
“I have some nerve damage, and I have to take hormones because of the hysterectomy. And...” Blood rushed to Wiz’s cheeks.
Tom pulled her in tight. “And? Can you feel pleasure?”
