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Thankfully, that Knowingness that had lent itself to me since Nakoa and I had begun bonding, despite how fractured, bolstered my resolve and my confidence…
My magic had been steadily increasing since we'd met. Since attempting to fulfil our bond, I could feel it roiling through me like tumultuous, crashing waves in a caged sea.
I glanced down at my hands, now clasped in my lap, as conversation continued to find dark red tendrils seeping from them… My breath caught, and Iwilledthem to retreat, lest anyone notice.
This is new.
His gaze snapped to mine, having noticed some shift or felt my shock through the tether. Brow furrowed in question, his eyes scored over me.
I’d always been able towillthings to and from places, sense things, and had a strength and speed that rivalled even the largest of males, thanks to my magic… But having a physical manifestation of it was entirely new.
Still lost in thought after excusing ourselves from dinner, the second Nakoa and I rounded the corner, he took me by surprise by leaning down and sweeping me off my feet.
“What’re you doing?”
“Do I need to remind you again of our nightly bargain?”
My chest squeezed with tension, even as the tether between us burned with demand. I knew he felt things for me, but I was reasonably certain it was only because of the bond forcing him. Which was in addition to the fact that he wasusingme to meet his own ends. I felt like little more than a chess piece on the board for him.
Cradling me in his arms as if I were his bride, he marched us down the hallway until we arrived at one of the numerous doors that swung open and closed by some invisible hand.
Nakoa set me down on the bed, arms bracketing my body as he searched my eyes.
My chest tightened. Despite Nakoa’s past… I still felt this boulder of distrust between us. Not to mention the resentment I felt at him for having no qualms about risking my life to kill Zurie.
That was, of course, in addition to the anvil of guilt that I was supposed to be murdering his birth mother without him being made the wiser. I had promised Leilani that I wouldn’t tell him… I had been in such shock that it seemed like a rational thing to do, but the longer I sat with it… The more unsettled about it I became.
Would he still want her dead? She had, after all,orderedhis death moments after giving birth to him. Surely, he wouldn’t want her to live…
Even so, it didn’t change the fact that it would be… aheinoustransgression to not at least make him aware.
Leilani’s words echoed in my mind.
“… It could change the course of… Everything.”
Fuck.
“Nakoa… I…”
His brows drew together, jaw hardening as if preparing himself for the sting of rejection. The confession sat on the tip of my tongue…
But I swallowed it back, replacing it with another truth.
“I don’t want intimacy between us just because we’re forced into it by this bond…”
Nakoa hesitated, hovering over me for a few moments longer before he shifted to sit on the edge of the bed, giving me his back.
The tether between us burned, and some gods-forsaken emotion clogged my throat.
I was tired
So fucking tired.
I had spent my entire life fighting to survive, and theoneperson I was supposed to be able to trust and find respite in… Was the one I felt like I could trust least of all because he didn’twantme. He simplyneededme. Trusting him with any piece of me only ensured more heartbreak.
Having been very much alone for virtually the entirety of my formative years and for the mass majority of my adulthood, I longed for intimacy and trust with another like it was a gaping wound in my chest that could only be healed by the tenderness of another. Malekai was the only person who had ever allowed in enough to heal the wound that I, until now, thought had scarred over.
Now, it was like he had completely carved that wound anew… Revealing, however briefly, what it could be like to open yourself up to another… But how could I ever find that with someone who was unwillingly shackled to me and despised my very existence?
