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I know his jesting is meant to make me feel better, but it doesn’t work, I feel too desperate.
Every night I lie awake worrying about her. I find myself sitting out on clear nights, just so I can stare at the star around which Armstrong turns. Sometimes I raise my palm so the star nestles in it, and imagine that I’m sending her all my love.
They say that fated mates have an inexplicable bond that enables them to pick up on how the other one is thinking or feeling. Every time I try to imagine what she is feeling, I fill up inside with sadness and fear. But underneath that, there is another emotion.
Satisfaction, maybe? Like there is something inside her that is secretly bringing her joy. I like to think that it’s our union giving her hope.
Of course, it could simply all be my imagination, my projection of how I want to believe she is feeling. For all I know, the bond doesn’t work over such a vast distance. Or maybe I’m going soft, but I just don’t care right now. All I want is my mate back by my side.
“I’m tempted to just quit and go find her myself,” I tell him. It’s the inactivity that’s really killing me. The waiting is driving me insane.
“What hope would you have then? You’d have to go through the Alliance if you did that, wouldn’t you? I don’t think they’d take kindly to you somehow. I guarantee you can’t just put on a tourist hat and sneak your way in.”
Freck makes a fair point, but I have to restrain myself from yelling at him in my frustration.. I have an anger bubbling just beneath the surface that is becoming harder and harder to restrain.
“Maybe I could find a neutral body to go through. The Interstellar Human Federation might help me,” I say.
“Haven’t you already petitioned them?” he asks, knowing full well that I have.
“About ten times already,” I reply, slumping down on the toilet seat. “But maybe if I showed up in person, they’d have to do something about it then.”
There’s a grunka fly bashing its head repeatedly against the window set high in the bathroom wall. I can relate to the pointless exercise. It feels like I’m doing the same myself.
“Or you could travel halfway across the galaxy, spend all your savings getting there, and get turned away,” Freck points out. “Look, Kyltic can be a bit of a bastard sometimes. But I think he’s an honest bastard. If he says he’s doing everything he can, then he probably is.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” I say. “But he’s taking his sweet time about it.”
“You have to find something else to occupy your time, Drex. Just have faith that Sophia’s okay. There’s nothing you can do right now.”
“That’s easier said than done,” I reply. “I just can’t stop thinking about her.”
“Well, think about her while cleaning,” he quips. “Or we’ll never get out of here, and we’ve got leave to go into town tonight.”
“I don’t think I’ll go,” I tell him. “I want to do a bit of research on how to get emergency leave. I might be able to go back privately but with military funding and backup. The forms are a bit complicated, though.”
“For fuck’s sake, Drex. Take a night off!” Freck commands, plunging his mop into the bucket so vociferously that the water splashes out across my boots.
“Okay, Freck, calm down,” I reply. “I was only saying I have some research to do.”
I understand what he’s doing. He believes, like everyone else, it’s a lost cause. He doesn’t want to say as much to my face, and it’s hard for him to watch me keep trying at something he’s certain can’t be done. He wants to offer me a distraction instead, and I refuse to give up.
Because deep down, I don’t think this is over. She’s still out there, and she’s waiting for me. I just know it. The thought of having fun while Sophia is stuck in the middle of a war just doesn’t seem right.
I watch my comrades get ready to go out for the night. With so many people on the base, we have to go out in shifts, and it’s a rare treat that we get leave to go into town.
“I’m going to find me a nice big Kaleidian woman to keep me warm for the night,” I can hear Linus saying at the other end of the hall.
“I fancy an Odex girl myself,” says his pal. “All that fur turns me right on,” he guffaws.
Their banter gets on my nerves, and I’m glad when the room slowly empties.
It’s strange sitting alone in an empty barracks. I’m finding it hard to concentrate without the usual riot of noise that accompanies twenty soldiers having downtime. The silence itself is the distraction. There is no noise to tune out my thoughts, and they’re getting in the way of my research.
I picture her worried eyes as she tried to be brave when I pushed my gun into her hands. For the millionth time, I curse myself for walking away from her. I should have stayed. I thought I was doing the right thing. What must she be thinking of me, deserting her the moment we’re mated?
And then I realize it doesn’t matter what she thinks of me, as long as she’s alive. One plasma weapon is not much use against an army.
I try to convince myself that I would know if she died. That I would feel it somehow. Everything I’ve heard about fated mates says that they always know what’s happening with the other one. But maybe we weren’t together long enough for the bond to grow strong.
