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Marissa chuckled and glanced over at Caden. “Janelle has been on me to come back, but uh,” she paused, “there’s nothing there for me anymore but memories.”
“Gotta be some good ones though, right? You and your stealth skills,” he teased. “That’s worth remembering, yeah?”
Marissa grinned. “I do have good ones. Sometimes they’re harder to see. The bad ones are blocking them.”
“Gotta fucking try, right?”
“Ya know, I don’t think I’ve ever shared that story with anyone before about the lake.”
“Ahhhh…” He winked. “Look at you, opening up.”
“Is that what you want, for me to open up to you?”
He tilted his head and leaned in, taking her lips for a soft kiss. For as rugged and gruff as he was, Caden made a point of giving her sweet and gentle. Not because he had to but because he wanted to. He pulled back and drew his hand down from her neck to her chest. He lay his hand over her heart.
“Want you to let me in here.”
He watched the internal struggle flash across her face. Her bottom lip trembled slightly, as though she wanted to speak but was physically incapable. Under his hand, which remained on her chest, he could feel her heart race, a rapid pump of erratic beats. As much as he wanted her to open up, he wasn’t willing to risk her shutting down completely. He’d gotten a little from her; it was good enough for now. He’d change the subject.
“Doctor called it survivor’s guilt.”
Caden winced. Her voice was low and shaky.
“I thought it was bullshit. I was sad and angry and lost. But guilty, because I survived and they didn’t? It just sounded stupid to me.” She drew in a deep breath and dropped her gaze to his hand on her chest. “But it wasn’t. It took me awhile, but when I finally saw it, I knew the doctor was right.” She gazed up at him with tears welled at the rims. “They died and I got to live.” She gulped, and a single tear streamed down her cheek. “I didn’t deserve life more than them. But for some reason, I got to live.” She tore her gaze from him, and he sucked in a breath. Her pain was so raw he could feel it in his own heart. “He said if I didn’t deal with it, the guilt, it would destroy me,” she whispered. “So, I dealt with it.” She paused. “And I checked out. Refused to see people, talk to anyone. I just checked out of who I was, literally.” She lifted her gaze, and she searched his face. “I was in the car with them.”
He missed a breath, as if he were punched in the stomach.
“What, with your folks?”
She nodded. “We were coming back from the lake. We’d been there all day, and it was raining. I don’t remember anything except waking up in the hospital. The crash, the ambulance, doctors, I don’t have any recollection. Nothing.” She licked her lips as her tears streamed down her face. “There was a police officer outside my door, and I just remember him saying ‘sole survivor’.” Her voice trembled and lowered to a whisper. “He was talking about me.”
“Baby.” The word came out without thinking. He pulled her into his chest, wrapping his arms around her in a tight hold. All he wanted was to take her pain away. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”
Her body shook against his chest, and he tightened his hold. If he could have taken all her pain as his own, he would have done it. He threaded his hand through her hair and pressed his lips to the top of her head.
“If I talk about it, I gotta go back. To who I was, what I lost.” Her face rubbed against his chest, and she slowly lifted her head. Her eyes were swollen and red rimmed.
The more she shared, the more he understood. Minutes passed in silence but she remained fixated on his face. His thumb wiped away her tears from her cheek.
“Why ya telling me now?”
She sat back a bit and grasped his hand, which hand remained on her chest. She threaded her fingers through his. “Because you wanna be in, and I wanna let you in.” Her eyes teared again. “I just don’t know how. I’ve been shut down for so long.” Her tears streamed down her face. He reached for her cheek, swiping her tears away, and leaned closer, kissing her lips.
“I’ll take whatever ya wanna give, when ya wanna give it, ya hear me?”
She nodded and glanced down at the ground. His lips grazed over her forehead, and he felt her hand tighten her grip. He’d had shit happen in his past, but never anything as tragic. If she needed time, he’d wait. Wait for- fucking-ever, if I have to.
She was curled into his chest for so long, an hour could have passed for all he knew. It didn’t matter. Whatever she needed, he’d give her. With her sharing, he got a better understanding, and things made sense.
She turned to him and smiled. “Tell me something about Trevor when he was little. Something funny or sweet, just something.”
“Why?”
“I want to hear something good, and just seeing how you are with him, you must have a million stories. I just want one.”
She wanted one of his memories. Hell, he’d be willing to give them all to her if she asked. He glanced out at the river, drumming up a memory. He had tons of Trevor when he was a kid, but Caden wanted something he knew would make her laugh, something light. A distraction from her pain.
The corner of his mouth cocked up. “Okay. He was about six, first grade, I think. Had this show for the parents, they were doing some play about fucking fruits and vegetables. So, he had to make a vegetable, teacher made him a carrot. He was so pissed. Apparently, all his friends got green beans, and he was a fucking carrot. Bitched twenty-four seven about not wanting to do it ’cause it was orange and orange was a girl color. Anyway, he did it but refused to show me. He had Pop help him with it.” Caden shook his head, barely able to control his laugh. “We get there, Pop, Kase, and me, take our seats, and the curtain opened. A whole slew of six-year olds on the stage. We find Trev, looking all excited about his first play. The teacher tells the kids to put on their hats. This is where the drawings come in. Well, there they are, apples, grapes, beans, every vegetable imaginable, and there’s Trev with his carrot. Only it looks nothing like a carrot. It’s a fucking mushroom. But the crown of it is just slightly bigger than the stem. And the bottom, which we guessed was meant to be dirt, is a circle.”
