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Carter
The weekend feels empty.
It’s not as if I don’t have things to do. I do. The toilet in Noah’s bathroom needs to be replaced, so I brave the crowds in the home improvement store and install a new one. It rained most of the day yesterday, and while my grass still looks half-dead, the weeds have sprung to life everywhere on my lawn. I kill a few mindless hours getting rid of them. I go for a run along the ocean. I watch some TV. I get groceries.
I do my best to ignore the Gabriella-sized hole in my life.
I’d thrown Renata Causi’s business card in the trash, but thanks to the Internet, it only takes me a few seconds to find her phone number. Saturday afternoon, before I get the opportunity to change my mind, I call her and leave a voicemail. I don’t expect to hear back from her before Monday, but to my surprise, she calls me back in a few hours. “Megan said you’d reach out,” she says briskly. “What can I do for you, Mr. Hughes?”
I’m not sure. Dominic seems to think that this is the right thing to do. Maybe he’s correct, and maybe Ed’s not a complete douchewipe who took off to ‘find himself,’ not giving a fuck about the toddler he left behind. I’ve tried doing what I think is right, and I’ve fucked up the situation so badly that I’m forbidden from seeing my nephew for six weeks. Maybe it’s time I stopped listening to my own instincts. “Megan’s probably filled you in on the situation,” I begin. “I’m seeking sole custody of my nephew Noah, but Ed, Noah’s father, is fighting back.”
“And you want me to resolve the problem.” Her voice sharpens. “Mr. Hughes, mediation only works if both sides are willing to compromise. If you insist that the only acceptable outcome is sole custody, then I feel compelled to tell you that hiring me is a waste of both your money and your time.”
I can see why Megan and Dominic recommended Renata Causi. She doesn’t pull her punches. “Noah’s well-being is my priority,” I reply. “However, I’m not sure Ed would be willing to give mediation another shot. I guess I could ask him.”
When Ed came back to Atlantic City and first broached the idea of regaining custody of Noah, he’d suggested mediation. I’d told him to go away. Back then, I hadn’t been willing to entertain the idea of him playing any role in Noah’s life.
Now, I don’t have a choice. It’s either try to find an arrangement that works for both of us, or risk losing custody of Noah. Two shitty choices.
“From what Megan tells me, that’s not a wise idea,” she replies. “I’ll contact Mr. Wagner.”
Monday morning,I show up for my first mediation meeting. Ed is already there. “Hello, Carter,” he says warily. I have to admit—the wariness is justified. The last time I saw Ed outside of a courtroom, I nearly punched him. I’m not proud of myself.
I grunt a greeting. Before I can ask him who’s watching Noah, Renata Causi enters the room. She’s a short, white woman in her mid-forties. “Gentlemen, good to see you. Before we get going, can I get you something to drink? Coffee? Soda? Water?”
I get a bottle of water, more to avoid the moment when I’m going to have to be civil to Ed than because I’m thirsty. Ed opts for coffee. Renata pours some hot water into a mug and chooses a teabag, and then surveys us. “Thank you both for being here,” she says. She directs her attention to Ed. “Mr. Wagner, why don’t you go first? What brings you here today?”
Ed exhales in a deep breath. “Noah loves Carter,” he says. “I care about my son’s best interests.”
“Bullshit,” I snap. “Was it his best interests you were thinking off when you took off after Chloe died?”
I told myself over and over on the way here to keep calm, no matter what the provocation. But Ed’s words rub salt into old wounds that have never healed. Chloe was my sister. Our parents were useless; it had been my responsibility to keep Chloe safe, and I hadn’t. I failed so badly that she died from an overdose. So badly that Noah’s needed years of therapy to overcome the nightmares that overtake him.
“Mr. Hughes.” The mediator’s voice is icy. “You will have a chance to share your views. Please let Mr. Wagner finish.”
Ed sets his mug down on the table with a thud. Coffee sloshes over the edges. “I don’t have anything more to say.”
I feel a grudging sense of respect for Ed. He didn’t need to come to this meeting. He’s pissed off, but he hasn’t stormed off. In his place, I’m not sure I could show the same restraint.
“Okay.” Ms. Causi turns to me. “Mr. Hughes. What brings you here today?”
“Noah loves his father,” I admit reluctantly.
“That’s good,” she says encouragingly. “Both of you care about Noah. Both of you want to see him happy. You have that in common, yes?”
I nod.
“I would like our mediation sessions to accomplish three things,” she continues. “First, this is about Noah. I’d like us to come up with a parenting plan that is in his best interests. Second, I think it’s important to acknowledge that Noah wants both of you in his life, and therefore, our parenting plan should allow him to spend time with both of you. Yes?”
I don’t see how it’s in Noah’s best interests to live with a former alcoholic, but I bite back that sentiment and nod agreement again.
“Finally,” she says. “I hope to give you tools and techniques to deal with any lingering sense of anger and resentment.”
Ed looks skeptical. For once, I’m in complete agreement with him. Chloe is dead. All the tools and techniques in the world aren’t going to bring her back. The anger and resentment are necessary, because without that, I’ll have nothing.
Still, using Herculean willpower, I don’t reply.
“You’ve tried joint custody, yes? Why didn’t it work? Mr. Hughes, why don’t you go first this time?”
