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I’m more scared than I hoped I would be. Everything is out in the open now, and Daniel is going to do what he’s going to do. I can’t take it back. I can’t undo it. Even if I could go back in time and try to do it all again, I don’t know that I would do things differently.
I can't deny that the prospect of my death terrifies me. I hoped it would be peaceful. Nobody in their right mind desires a painful, prolonged death. I hoped that if it happened, I wouldn't be so frightened. I hoped I could simply close my eyes and let go of my life, then slip quietly into the back of my mind where I wouldn't feel anything... but I'm not that lucky.
My chin wobbles when I look up at him. I don’t know why I’m even bothering to try and keep myself composed. I slowly pull my hands from where they had been covering my face. I expected judgment, or belittling, or anything at all from Daniel. Even sarcasm would have been better than being met with such silence.
Above me, he wears a poker face. I can’t read his expression. No subtle twitch of muscle; no telling emotion in the depths of his eyes. There’s nothing but a cold blankness that makes me feel even more vulnerable and exposed than I already do for telling him my story.
I have the urge to apologize again. It wasn’t even his father that I killed.
“What about Abram?” Daniel asks after a long moment.
Of course, they found out about Abram. I want to cry all over again. He was the one person that I wanted to keep out of this for good. He was retired. I’m the only thing connecting him to that life anymore anyway. I knew he was risking too much by coming here with me. He should have stayed in hiding and let me come here on my own. It’s my life on the line, but he’s such a stubborn old goat.
“What about him?” I hope that he will at least tell me how he knows. I want to ask if he’s okay. He has to be okay. He’s too smart to get caught. But, with his arm… he’s not nearly as fast as he used to be. He’s vulnerable now.
Daniel shuffles backward off of me. He sits back on his heels, and I push myself into a sitting position. His silence tells me that something terrible has happened. Something in my chest breaks. My shoulder lifts as if I can shrug and wake myself up. It’s not possible. I can’t even control the fear for Abram’s wellbeing as I crumple into myself.
“Daniel… What about Abram…?” I ask through my tears. They fall freely down my face, but I can’t wipe them away. I need to know what’s happened to him. I need to hear it. Out loud. I need the words to come out of Daniel’s lips or else I’m never going to believe them.
“He was found dead in the home the two of you shared,” Daniel says without inflection.
My head drops, and my body follows it. I curl forward until my forehead presses into the bedding and my hands curl the fabric into tight fists. I squeeze until it hurts. I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m stuck exhaling a silent scream as my chest threatens to cave in on itself. He was all that I had left. He was myeverything—the only family to claim me after my father died. He saved me. He has been with me through thick and thin, and now…
That’s it. Hewaseverything. Now I have nothing left. Nikolai has finally taken everything from me that he could get his hands on. There’s literally nothing left for me now. My heart breaks, and it tears itself into a giant, gaping, black hole that I don’t think will ever be filled again. It’s the sort of despair I felt when my father was taken from me… but this time, I have nobody left to turn to.
I'm hoping it didn't hurt. I wish I could say it was a quick and painless hit, but I know it wasn't. Nikolai would have made Abram suffer solely to inflict pain on me. He wanted to make me suffer... he will not be satisfied until he gets his way. Daniel is wasting his time by delaying the inevitable.
“I know he helped you escape. I know he was the one to help you disappear after you almost died,” Daniel adds, confirming everything further. He sounds like he’s speaking at the far end of a tunnel.
If he knows, then Nikolai has to know that too. He’s probably known where we were the whole time… he was just biding his time.
The raw, open wound that’s ripping my chest in two is something I’ve only felt once before when my father died. Only that time, I had enough hate left in me to seek revenge. I was only able to pull myself back into a woman because of Abram and the love that I started to have for Nikolai… but now there’s nothing.
“Did you…” I sniffle, speaking into the bedding. “Did you hurt him?” I am shaking so violently that it’s hard to move. Every muscle is tensed as I lift just enough to look at Daniel. I don’t even realize that I’m throwing myself at him until my hands ball up into his sweater. “Did you kill him?”
He’s unsurprised by the sudden accusation and pushes me off of him easily. I slide past his lap and fall right off of the bed onto the floor. My hip and elbow hit heavily against the carpet. I don’t try to get up. I just lay there. What’s the point anyway? It’s not going to change anything.
Daniel gets off the bed and moves to sit at arm’s length from me on the floor. “I did not have anything to do with it.”
I want him to leave me. I want to curl into a ball right here on the ground until I rot. He wanted to see me broken. Fine. Done. He’s accomplished that goal. He’s taken everything from me. Even if he wasn’t the one who did it, he helped.
“One of your men then…” I mutter.
Daniel shakes his head no. His voice is soft, and it makes me angry. “I am sorry to see you in so much pain, but I swear I had no part in this.”
I hate that I believe him.
“I hate you,” I mutter. My grief bleeds into anger. They won’t let me see him. I don’t even know if there’s anything left of him to see. Did Abram suffer? He didn’t deserve to suffer. He had earned a peaceful death. Something in his sleep maybe. Whatever they did to him, I know it was anything but peaceful. I just keep circling around the same thoughts.
“I hate you,” I say again, and the lump of pain in my throat almost stops it from sounding. Daniel just nods once, like he accepts my hatred and is just fine with it. That only makes me more angry because it implies that no matter how angry or hurt I get,nothingis going to get me out of this room.
With great effort, I push myself up into a sitting position again. I shove at Daniel with both hands. I shove his shoulders twice. Maybe if he gets mad enough, he will choke the life out of me, and then I can be with Abram and my father once more. Then I won’t have to deal with this at all. I’ll be free, like them. “I hate you!” I scream again and shove him once more. “This is all your fault!”
It doesn’t matter anymore if it is or isn’t his fault. I’m going to blame Daniel because I have nobody else to blame. I shove him again and jerk my hand back to slap him right across his face, but he catches my wrist. The momentum of my movement spins me into his lap and my face ends up pressed against his chest.
Daniel’s strong arms surround me, and I struggle to free myself. It’s useless because he’s so much stronger than I am. My muscles burn, and my body hurts when I finally sag into his hold and surrender. Everything pours out of me all at once. I sob for so long in his arms that I don’t think I will ever stop. I’m a leaky, ruined faucet. It just feels so damned good to be held by him. It feels cathartic to just… let everything go.
I expect him to laugh any time now. I expect him to mock me for being such a stupid little idiotic girl, but it doesn’t come.
