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The more I learn about her, the more I sympathize with her. I can understand her so much better now that she’s confided in me. I feel closer to her. She’s becoming almost addictive to me. I don’t want to leave her side. I want to keep unraveling the mystery of her. It’s shocking how much we have in common.
It's not the kind of pain that many people understand. I getwhy she murdered Nikolai's father. I believe that if I had been in her place, I would have done the same thing. I would have done anything in my power to exact vengeance. Her promise to avenge her father is similar to my promise to Lilian—to my sister.
I didn’t think she was capable of accepting love. Based on the knowledge I had been given, I didn’t believe she even understood what it was, let alone that she couldfeellove and love in return. Seeing her fall apart over Abram confirmed what I feared.
She might be one of the only people in the world who can see past my blackened soul.
Losing everything and everybody that you’ve ever cared about? I can certainly relate. Wanting to keep a child hidden from the mafia world and all of the cruelties that come with it? I can also understand that. If Lilian were still alive then Henry likely would have never grown up in this world. He would have gone off to some fancy college and gotten a desk job somewhere. Now that’s impossible for him as well.
After we finished in bed, I don’t know how long we spent in the shower. I never imagined that I would be so perfectly content toholdsomeone either. Being with her is becoming too easy. It’s only setting myself up for more pain down the line. I can accept that in a distant part of my mind, but I can’t seem to remove myself from her either.
We are a long way from having everything out in the open, but we understand one another. I want her to know more.
I dress her in the most modest thing I can find in the closet. I give her my sweater, and she puts on a small pair of sleep shorts. I open a panel to reveal more of my clothes and put on one of my t-shirts.
Dark clouds move past the windows outside. A steady wind rustles the leaves on the trees by the window. It’s a dreary, gloomy sort of afternoon. I imagine most people would take the opportunity to curl up with a book in front of a fire.
I glance at where Helena sits on the edge of the bed, staring down at her cello.
“I’ve always liked gray weather best,” I remark. It does seem to fit our energy at the moment. Besides, I think that she’s earned some fresh air after the morning we’ve had. “Care to take a walk with me?”
She raises her head. I'm sure she's wondering if I'm suddenly showing faith in her by allowing this, but I don't feel compelled to correct her. "Okay," she says simply, rising to her feet. It seems to hurt her less once she gets going and the muscles around her ankle and arm have warmed up, but I offer her my arm anyway to keep her steady.
I have to half-carry her down the stairs, but to my surprise, she wraps her arms around my neck and allows me to ease her down. It's a far cry from the first day here, when I had to drag her kicking and screaming. Outside, the air is sweet and heavy. If the clouds are any indication, a storm will hit tonight. I don't mind either way. I ledus in the direction of the gardens she ran through the night before. I'm sure she didn't get a chance to appreciate them.
She pauses to rest her ankle after walking a bit and bends to smell the flowers closest to her. She looks breathtaking with the wind against her flushed skin like this. It whips her short blonde locks around her face, and I can no longer deny that I’m captivated.
I guide her over to a concrete bench and sit her down. I pull her sore ankle up onto my lap and slowly, carefully, start to massage the skin so she can walk a little further.
Helena fiddles with the sleeve of the sweater and doesn’t make eye contact when she speaks. “What did you mean… earlier?”
There is only one thing that she can be referring to. It’s not going to be an easy thing for me to answer.
“I guess it could have just been a lie, but in Henry’s folder… uh, well, some of the other teachers at school had said that Henry’s mother had died by suicide.” Helena looks at me sheepishly, and I can tell that she instantly wants to take the question back the moment that she said it. “I mean… well… it’s just—”
Her desire to know the truth is winning out over her desire to not make me angry.
“Suicide?” I repeat bitterly. Even just thinking that she might be capable of something like that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. My sister was not that type of woman. “She would never do that. Not to me. And she certainly never would have left Henry by choice.”
“I didn’t mean to—”
“Yes, you did,” I say harshly and take a moment to steady my breathing. “She did not die by suicide. She was murdered by Alek. That is what I meant. If you’ve really had no contact with him since you were fifteen, then I doubt you know anything about his engagement either.”
I keep a close eye on her for any kind of reaction, any knowing tic... but she just looks stunned. Either she's the greatest actress in the world, or she had no idea her brother was engaged, let alone to whom he's engaged.
“N-no I didn’t…” Helena says softly and hugs her arms to her chest. A brief flash of pain crosses over her features as she lets the knowledge sink in. I try to imagine what it might feel like had Lilian gone and had a whole secret life that I knew nothing about, how that might affect me, but it’s just such an impossible thing the fathom.
“They were more than close,” I continue. It’s not easy to talk about without getting angry. Yet another reason why Henry and I don’t discuss her very often. “I would go so far as to say that she had him wrapped around her little finger. For a long time, at that. They seemed like the sort of couple that was just meant to be.”
At least at first, they did. I never would have allowed her to be with somebody like Alek had I known what sort of person he was—or the things that he was involved with. That sort of business was supposed to stay as far away from my sister as possible.
“The last time I spoke with my sister she hardly looked like herself. She seemed… detached somehow. I had only confronted her because she started pulling away from me, from everyone in her life. Naturally, I reached out because I wasn’t going to just allow that. She seemed so desperate to get out of her engagement. She told me then that she was pregnant again. She made me swear that if anything happened to her I would come and take Henry—no questions asked.”
At the time, I had thought that her question was strange. I had worried because of how frantic she had sounded. I offered to come and get her, but she had refused. I will never forgive myself for not going against her wishes and picking them up right away. I should have left right after the first phone call.
Helena sat up straighter as false realization dawned on her. “So… Henry is… he’s my…”
I shake my head. “No. She told me she was pregnant… and that the childwasn’tAlek’s. She was terrified. She thought he would kill her if he found out the truth. She told me how frightened she was. Then I said I would be on the first flight out there. I planned to head out to her and get her as far away from Alek as possible.”
