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“Even after everything… for some reason, I believe you. I’m fucking stupid for believing you…” I trail off and let my eyes close. I pinch at the bridge of my nose for a moment. I can hardly believe what it is that I’m about to say to her. “I want you to run away. Right now. I want you to go… run… get as far away from this place… me… Volkovich… all of it. Run and never look back. Don’t ever stop moving if you can manage it.”
My mind is already racing, trying to come up with new ways to track her down once she's gotten away from me. Once whatever will go downwith Volkovich is going to finally happen, then I can find her again. We'll see what happens then, but for now, this situation is going to become far too complicated for her to be involved in.
Helena looks up at me with those big, beautiful eyes filled with utter confusion. “What?”
I don’t think that I have the strength to repeat the words again. “Go,” I say finally. It’s the best offer that I can possibly give her. It’s the only chance she’s got to get out of here and make it out alive.
Helena laughs incredulously. “You can’t be serious? After everything… after that…” she gestures to how I almost just hurled her over the edge. “You’re just going to let me go? Where am I supposed to go? Setting me free in the fucking wild is just going to kill me anyway, Daniel! There’s nothing for me out there… the only thing I have is…”
She stops short when she catches herself.
“There’s nowhere that I can run that he won’t find me…” she whispers sadly.
“You have to try. I can’t…” I shift and lower myself to my knees in front of her, eye to eye. “I can’t kill you… and I can’t watch you die.“ I cup my hand around her face, and she leans into the contact. I wipe away her tears with my thumb, and she sniffles away the last of them. Saying the words that are on the tip of my tongue right now will only complicate matters. It will only make it more difficult to let her go. Saying the three words that I know are true would be selfish.
Helena looks me deep in the eyes and seems to somehow read my mind. She whispers, “You can’t have fallen in love with me… and then just let me go… that’s not how this is supposed to work.”
I can’t help but smile.
“You don’t deserve a woman like me anyway,” she says softly. Though, from her tone I can’t tell if she means that in a good or bad way, all things considered. “Even though I might have fallen for you too.”
My resolve weakens. I take her in my arms and allow her to wrap her arms around me. She squeezes me as if I'm her only lifeline, and I reciprocate. I'm still not sure how I let this happen, but I know I have to find a way to keep her safe. Somehow. I'll get to the bottom of the rest... But I'm running out of time.
This downward spiral she's on is killing me. I scratch and tear at my mind in an attempt to find a solution, but none can be found. I grab her arms tightly and push her away from me so I can see her face more clearly. Her face reflects the conflict I'm experiencing. Her lovely features are pinched and ached as she bites her bottom lip.
She’s fighting herself. Is she coming to the same dead ends that I am?
“It’s better if we just do this here… if I do it,” she whispers. I almost don’t think that I hear her correctly. “It’s the only way to fix this. Nikolai will find me. No matter what any of us do. I can’t let you pay for everything that I’ve done… my death will solve everything. You know it, and so do I.”
I hate the finality in her tone. She can’t decide to die just when I’ve decided to save her.
“At least if I finally pay for the life that I’ve taken… I’ll be free. I’ll really be free.”
She lets me go all at once, and I topple backward into the dirt. Helena starts to walk backward toward the cliff’s face.
“Stop!” I shout and the word is almost stolen by the wind.
“This is how it has to be, Daniel.”
“Don’t say that!” I refuse to believe that there’s no other solution to be found.
Helena's face hardens, and she pulls her hands away from her chest, allowing them to fall to her sides. Her shoulders relax and she shakes her head slowly. I don't like the expression on her face. It'shollow, resigned, andher gaze moves from my eyes to some unfocused point behind me. Even before she turns away from me, it feels like she's slipping through my fingers.
Shock loosens my fingers as the world appears to move in slow motion. The wind picks up, and the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks at the bottom of the cliff face is drowned out only by the heavy bass of my heart pounding in my ears.
Helena takes one slow step back, then three, as if she's about to turn and vault herself over the edge at any moment. My throat screams as my hand jerks up to snare her back to me, tosafety. “Don’t!” I shout. “Don’t—” I say again slowly.
“Don’t come any closer, Daniel,” she warns. The wind pushes her hair in front of her face and pushes her sweater to cling to her body.
“Come away from the cliff’s edge, Helena. Right now,” I warn. If there was ever a time when she would choose to listen to and obey my commands the moment they were given, now would beit. She's too close. Every part of me is tingling, but I don't dare get too near... I can't simply grab her. I want to lunge at her.
“I can’t keep living like this!” Helena shouts at me, her voice breaking. Every single word bleeds with her frustration and desperation. “I would rather die than do this another day, Daniel!”
My heart chips. Small fissures in my chest that spread wider with every word. She says my name like a plea for help while moving away from me. If she’s not careful, the wind is going to push her over. Her arms wrap around herself as she continues speaking.
“I’m so tired of this! I’m tired of hurtingeverybodythat I care about! I’m tired of constantly living a lie. This is the only solution. Can’t you see that?” She sounds like she’s about to cry. I want to pull her into my arms and hold her there forever. I want to squeeze her against my chest until this madness passes and I can find a new solution for us both.
“No, it’s not,” I bargain. “I have already handled everything, Helena. I have a plan. You trust me, don’t you?” I lie, shaking my head. I try to appear confident and put together as she turns her head over her shoulder to look at me. I can see the tear tracks down her face. The tears have already dried to her skin from the salty air, and it occurs to me that this is one of the only things that I’ve said her name out loud—herrealname.
