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I exhale an anxiety filled breath. “Okay. I really hope you’re right about this, because I honestly can’t handle any more heartbreak.”
“I’m right. I’ve known him for a long-ass time. He doesn’t show his feelings much, but the ones he has for you are excessive and plentiful.”
I follow Flip out into the cool evening, and he walks me back to my building. “Give him shit and make him own his,” he says when we arrive.
“Okay.”
“I love you, Rix.”
“I love you, too, Flip.”
I push through the doors and hit the button for the elevator. My palms start sweating on the ride up to my floor.
Sure enough, Tristan is sitting in the hall outside my apartment.
He picks up an enormous bouquet of peonies and a cake from Just Desserts and scrambles to his feet. “Bea, can we talk, please?”
I approach him slowly. I will not be swayed by cake and flowers. Not this time. He looks rough, but also delicious. He’s changed into a T-shirt that hugs his thick biceps, a pair of jeans, and some flashy running shoes. Guy loves his freaking running shoes. His coat is lying in a heap on the floor. He’s sporting two days of stubble and dark circles under his eyes that match mine. These are things I didn’t notice on the plane.
He steps aside while I use the keycard to unlock the door. Thank goodness this place doesn’t have old-school locks. My hands are way too shaky to deal with getting the key in the hole. I usher him inside and put the island between us.
Hammer comes out of her bedroom with a bag slung over her shoulder. “I’m going to visit my dad. For the night.”
“I’m not kicking you out of the apartment,” I say, my eyes bouncing between her and Tristan.
“I know. I’m offering. He’s been bugging me to have a movie night anyway.” She gives me a brief hug. “Just hear him out.”
“Hey, Hammer.” Tristan sets his armload of grovel gifts on the counter and waves.
“Hi, Tristan. The cake and flowers are a nice touch, but please communicate your feelings to each other so you can both stop being sad.” She slides her feet into a pair of fluffy slippers and leaves us.
I cross my arms. “I’m listening.”
He runs a hand through his hair. “I miss you, Bea. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. All I think about is you. I can’t even look at a cucumber anymore without feeling like my chest is caving in. I fucking hate this.”
My heart squeezes. These are all things I want to hear, but it’s not an explanation. “I hate it, too, but it doesn’t clarify why you were on a flight back to Toronto. Why come to Vancouver to talk to me and then change your mind?”
He starts pacing. “I chickened out. I’m a fucking pussy. I admit that. Last night, the guys sat me down and told me as much. And then I flew to Vancouver to tell you I want to be with you, but when I got there I just…couldn’t do it. Because I’m a chickenshit. So I got back on the plane, and then you were on it, and I didn’t expect to see you, and I started eating those horrible Fuzzy Peaches that make my mouth peel, and you were so beautiful, and real, and right fucking there, and I wanted to touch you and talk to you, but we were trapped in first class, and I just…choked. There were all those people watching. I know I fucked it up. But even if I hadn’t lost my nerve, I would have been too late because you were already on a plane back here, so my plan would have been shot to shit anyway.”
“Why did you lose your nerve?”
His eyes are wild, and he swallows compulsively.
“Because…because the way I feel about you terrifies the fuck out of me.” He runs a rough hand through his hair. “And I’m afraid that you’ll realize I don’t deserve you, or that I’ll get traded at the end of the year, and you’ll decide you don’t want to do this with me anymore.”
“So you broke up with me because you’re afraid of your feelings and what the future might look like?” I ask.
He looks so forlorn and lost. “It was a stupid thing to do, Bea. I know that. I know I screwed things up. But I couldn’t get out of my own fucking way. I could barely handle it when you moved out. I was miserable then, and all these feelings I have about you, for you, they just keep getting bigger. And what if you leave me again? Or I have to move, and you don’t want to come with me? Or you decide Vancouver is a better place for you? I thought if I ended things now it wouldn’t hurt as much, but I was wrong, Bea. So fucking wrong. Everything sucks without you.”
