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I cross my arms. “You don’t get to keep doing this to me. You can’t lash out every time things get hard, or you get scared. Shutting down when there’s a tough conversation isn’t something I’ll accept from you.”
His nostrils flare, and his knee bounces with his anxiety. “I know, and I’m sorry. I was overwhelmed and I didn’t know how to deal with it.”
“Sorry isn’t going to cut it, Tristan. You ripped my heart out last week and tossed it in a meat grinder. You treated me like one of your bunny hookups and made me feel like a giant piece of shit. I was fucking devastated. Devastated. You discarded me like trash. Like I meant nothing to you. Is that what you intended? Is that how you wanted me to feel?”
His eyes are haunted, and I swear for a moment he looks like a lost little boy.
“If you want to fix what you broke, you need to decide what you want and do something about it. I can’t be the only vulnerable one here. You can’t take and not give.”
“You’re right. I know you’re right. I’m sorry.” He rubs his bottom lip. “I think I’m pretty fucked up.”
“What do you mean?”
“Remember how I told you I came home when my mom was leaving?” he says softly.
I nod. “You had to tell your brothers and your dad when they got home.” That alone would do enough damage to warrant years of therapy, which I’m not sure he’s ever had.
He nods. Swallows a few times. “I, uh…I asked her not to go.” He drops his head. “Begged her not to leave, even though a lot of the time all she did was get angry at us.” He exhales an unsteady breath. “But I didn’t want her to go. I told her I’d do better, that I’d do anything if she would just stay.” He kneads the back of his neck.
His gaze lifts, and my heart breaks for the boy who was crushed that day, because he’s still very much inside the man before me. He opens his mouth once, twice. Grinds his teeth together and releases a huge exhale before he continues.
“She said it didn’t matter what I said or did. It would never be enough. She didn’t want us anymore. And then she left.” His eyes drop to the floor. “I never told anyone that part. Not Flip, definitely not my dad, or my brothers.”
My heart feels like it’s shattering. What a horrible, hateful, selfish thing to do to another person. Especially her own child. Everything falls into place. Because when she said that to him, she created a core wound, leaving him to believe he’s not enough. He still believes it. One of the most important, influential people in his life, one who was supposed to show him unconditional love, took that away from him and did so much damage in the process. She scarred his heart and made him believe he was intrinsically unlovable. Of course he’s afraid of his feelings. His love wasn’t enough to keep his mother from leaving, so how could it keep me from doing the same? He equates love with loss. Big loss. The life-changing, heart-eviscerating kind.
“I’m so sorry for the way she made you feel, and that she was too selfish and too much of a coward to admit she was the one who didn’t feel like she deserved to be part of your family. I’m sorry she put that on you.” I pause until he meets my eyes. “It isn’t your fault that she left, Tristan. You didn’t cause it. You’re not the reason for it. She wasn’t enough, not you. But you can’t keep hurting the people you care about because of it.”
“I know.”
“Do you, though? Because I hear the words, but your actions say something else,” I tell him gently.
“I fucked this up so bad, Bea. I know that. How I acted last week, the way I shut you out, it wasn’t fair.” He draws a long, shuddering breath. “Lisa broke up with Nate—and he’s got it together when it comes to relationships. He was just…ruined over it. And then you were talking to Essie about stuff you never even told me.” He stares at his hands. “I didn’t think I could ever be what you needed. I couldn’t be the person you came to with things that matter. I know this doesn’t make what I did better, and I understand if you’re done with me. With us. I would get it if you decide you can’t deal with me anymore. But if you give me another chance, I’ll do everything I can to be better. I want to be the one who gives you what you need, if you’ll let me.”
He takes another deep breath and his gaze lifts. “I love you. I’m so in love with you, Beatrix.” He swallows thickly. “I’ve fucked up so hard. Maybe too much. But I want a future with you. It doesn’t matter if we’re living in the same city, or you’re here and I’m somewhere else. All I want is you, Bea. I’ll do anything and everything I can to make it work if you’ll take me back. I’m scared out of my fucking mind, but I would rather be terrified and have you in my life than not have you at all. And I’m probably going to get things wrong, but I promise I’ll try to be the guy you deserve.”
