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“I can go with you on Christmas Eve,” I offer quickly. More words try to follow, with more explanations, but I focus on the main point. “But I want to be with my mom for Christmas.”
I almost make it through without giving myself away, but my voice hitches on the word mom, and Griffin's eyes fill with more compassion. It's exactly the face I thought he'd make, and my heart aches to see a piece of recognition in his gaze. I clench my teeth together so I don't blurt out all the reasons I have to be with her and how this year's different.
“Okay,” Griffin says, a tentative smile spreading over his handsome face. “That sounds good. I want to be with my family on Christmas, too. I can meet your mom on Christmas Eve or are we preten–?”
“No,” I say, too quickly cutting him off. It's only after I’ve shut him down that I realize he might have been joking. My heart races and I wish he’d leave now. I fixed it. I fixed the problem; please go before I make more mistakes. Please leave before you see too much.
He blinks, shocked, and I can tell he's thrown off. The silence between us feels tense in a way it's never felt before. I hate having to tell him no. I hate having to keep that part of my life separate from whatever it is that Griffin and I are doing, but that's how it has to be. I can't let him that far in, otherwise I'll never be able to leave it fully behind.
Because Griffin grew up in a good home with good parents, and he'll want me to have the kind of life he does now. That's just not possible. I can have a nice life with my mom, but I'll always be the girl who got my mother's life completely off track. I'll always be in danger of doing that myself. Falling too hard for the wrong guy. Asking too much from the wrong people. Not fighting hard enough until it's too late. Every little voice in the back of my head that kept me up at night for the last year screams at me.
“Renee.” Griffin's voice is so gentle that tears come to my eyes again. I blink hard until they're gone, but he's patient, still waiting for me. “What happened?”
“I don't want to talk about it. I’m still dealing with some things.”
I move past him into the living room. I'm mostly expecting that he'll leave, so I keep moving. I find the remote on the side table and sit down on the couch. Pulling the blanket over my lap feels like putting on soft armor.
But Griffin doesn't leave. He turns around and watches me for a few long seconds, then shrugs his coat off. He steps around in my entryway, taking off his shoes and hanging up his coat, and then he pads into my living room, his gaze moving over my couch and my small coffee table and my low bookshelf.
“You have a nice place,” he says.
“Thank you. I like it, too.” The truth is, I like it even more now that Griffin's standing in it. And...I want to leave it, too. I want to leave my whole life behind and find a place that's never been part of my history or part of running away from the past. “You want to sit down?”
“Yeah, I do.” He sits at the end of the couch, then takes the side of my blanket and pulls it over his lap, too. I want to lean into him and let him put his arm around me, but that tension is still there between us, and I feel like I'm about to break down. “Renee.”
I look at Griffin. There's only about a foot of space between us. He could lean over and kiss me right now, and I'd probably fall right into the couch. I'd let him take me to bed. I want him to take me to bed, but if I let my guard down, I'll spill all my secrets.
“Yeah?” I ask, after a silence that feels loaded with all the things we've done together. It's not much, compared to what other couples like Mags and Brody have done. Griffin and I haven't had a relationship that's official in the eyes of the town. We haven't moved in together or decided to have a baby together or gotten married. Still, the things we have done suddenly seem to mean much more than I ever thought they would.
“Can I do anything for you?”
He’s too kind. This man is just too kind. The last time I spiraled was when my mother went back to him. After I said I couldn’t. After I begged her not to. And it feels so close to that happening again. He shouldn’t have to see that.
“It’s okay. Whatever it is, just don’t shut me out okay?” he says without me saying a word. Like he can read my mind. Like he just knows.
My heart breaks into a million pieces but I swear every shard falls right into his lap. Like the pieces always belonged to him and never to me.
I can only nod and then scoot closer to him. I ask quietly, hoping it’ll be enough. “Want to watch a show with me?”
“Yeah,” he answers quietly, his eyes narrowed and a look there that tells me he’s searching for something.
“It’s okay if you have to go to work, I—” I start but he cuts me off.
“I don’t have to go to work,” he says. I swallow thickly and nod.
I still have the remote in my hand, and I point it at the TV and turn it on. All the apps appear on the screen and I flip to a streaming channel. The show I want to watch is there in the top row so I can continue watching it with zero effort.
I click play Season One, Episode One and the theme song starts playing.
Griffin watches me, but I keep my face turned toward the TV. After a few seconds of the old sitcom playing, Griffin scoots across the couch like I did, each of us moving a little toward the other until our legs are touching the blanket. He reaches for the remote in my hand and sets it aside. Then he takes my hand over the blanket and squeezes it gently in his. He waits for the theme song to end before he speaks.
“Why are you watching this?”
Another wave of tears comes to my eyes, but I blink them away quicker this time. It's the fact that he's here now that's making me emotional. It's how he asked me about the show with no judgment in his voice.
I want to tell him everything, but I can't, so I decide to tell him something. What if he judges my mom? What if…what if,,,what if…all those what ifs yell in the back of my head, telling me to shut up. Just part of the truth because he's here with me and he wants to know.
I clear my throat, and Griffin squeezes my hand again.
