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Griffin shrugs. “Not all night. We didn't get here until after three.”
My face heats up with sheer fear. “You can't do that.” I almost say, what if he came back? What would he have done? I don’t know. I don’t know, but Griffin shouldn’t be there. He shouldn’t have to see my father at all. “You can't just sit outside my apartment when you don't know what you're getting yourself into.”
“Well, tell me what I'm getting myself into, then!” he says with exasperation. “I want to help you.”
“I don't want your help!” I answer just as exasperated.
“Too bad!” he says back, raising his voice.
All I can think is how reckless he's being. I didn’t have a choice. But Griffin does.
“He could have hurt you!” I point at him. “You can't sit at my door when somebody like that could come back at any second.”
“I think that's a good reason for me to sit outside the door, actually, if somebody's going to come bother you like that.”
I feel like I'm going to catch on fire inside my coat, but I don't want to take it off. I don't want to drop my purse. I don't want to be doing this at all. Everything inside of me is ringing; my hands tremble.
I don’t know what my father would have done. He’s never hit a man before, but when he gets like that….I just…I don’t know what I would have done if he’d hurt Griffin.
I can’t say a damn thing. I stand there, feeling helpless and hating that this is my life.
Griffin looks back at me, his shoulders dropping as he lets out a long, deep breath. I wouldn't be this patient with me, but there he is, just breathing so he can think of what to say. He takes a few steps into the living room. I back up a step, but I hit the coffee table and there's no more room.
Griffin holds his hand up like he wants to make sure I won't run away. I'm not going to run away from him. I'm not afraid of him. I'm afraid of everything else that has to do with him and my life.
“I'm asking you to help me,” he says quietly. “I want to understand, Renee, and I can't understand unless you tell me what's going on. Please. I won't think less of you for having things to deal with in your life.”
“You will.” And you’ll judge my mother. Everyone does. Even I do and I hate myself for it.
“I won't.” He shakes his head, his eyes sincere. I can’t believe him though, because he doesn’t understand what he’s asking. “I really won't. I could never think less of you, no matter what you tell me.”
“It doesn't matter; I don’t want you to—” I start but he cuts me off.
“You matter to me.”
“But I don't want…” My voice cracks, and a few tears spill out of my eyes. I wipe them away, but more come after them. “I don't want your help. I don't need your help. I'm never going to need anyone.”
Then I can't deny that I'm crying. There are more and more tears, and my chest fills up with sobs, and then I'm just breaking down in front of him. Yet again.
“I don't need anyone,” I say, and it sounds like a lie.
Griffin steps forward. I take a breath and I can smell the spicy scent of his cologne leftover from yesterday.
He puts his arms around me, and my whole body seems to break. It's the worst feeling I could imagine, because I can't hide it, and that means Griffin is going to know.
I push my face into the front of his coat and sob. “You can't do this,” I tell him.
“Why not?” He rubs my back, his strong arms circling me. There's no way I can tear myself away now. I need this too much, and it's embarrassing and horrible to have to admit it.
“Because now you know.”
“What do I know?”
His voice is steady and warm, and I feel even more ridiculous because I could have had this last night. I could have had him with me all night, and it wouldn't have made any difference because he still knows everything anyway. He’s a smart man. He’ll put the pieces together. He’ll ask Brody who will ask Mags.
“You know how damaged I am. You can see how screwed up my life is. And you know that you're so much better than me, and that's why this can never work. You're so much better than me. You don’t deserve this.”
“Hey,” he says, and I cry harder. My purse falls off my arm and onto the floor, and I put my arms around his waist and hold on tight. “It's all right,” he says soothingly.
