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My monster reaches into his suit pocket, pulls out his phone, and presses the call button. My heart drops into my stomach, swirling it into tiny pieces. Another tiny sliver of my soul fucking breaks off when he looks directly into my eyes. I let the numbness take me over, hiding my feelings as much as I can.
“Take Sunshine off the transplant list,” he demands into the phone without an ounce of remorse.
“No,” I croak, tears springing to my eyes for the first time in a long time. “She’s innocent. This was my fault.”
“It was your fault. And you know who pays the consequence when you fail,” he sneers, hanging up the phone and placing it in his pocket. “And here I thought, after three years of training, you were on your way to being a good little snake. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe we should end this now.” He lifts his phone again, hovering his finger above the call button.
“No,” I breathe, stumbling to my feet. “I promise I’ll do better next time. Just please, put Sunny back on the transplant list. You know she’s going to die if she doesn’t get a new heart.” I may not beg for myself or have any dignity left, but for my sister, I’ll do anything. She’s too young and innocent to have to go through this.
My monster strokes his chin. “No.”
“Sir, please,” I beg as a tear escapes, running down my cheek.
He grins, stepping forward and swiping the tear away and onto his thumb. He hums when he sucks my tear into his mouth. “I have another task for you. Prove yourself to me, Little Snake, and I’ll think about putting dear ole Sunny back on the transplant list. But let that be a lesson to you. Your actions matter. What you do puts your sister’s life in danger. You should be more careful.”
Everything inside me shuts down. I was careful. I did everything he asked and more, but it wasn’t enough. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for him. He’ll always have this hold on me, and there’s nothing I can do to make him happy. Nothing I can do to fucking live my life. I swallow hard, trying to push those depressing thoughts into a small box in the back of my brain. I can’t let them consume me; that’s how I’ll drown. The old Journey will perish, and the new Journey will emerge as nothing more than an empty husk. A numb little puppet following the commands of her puppeteer.
I can’t be her. I have to remain true to myself and not let his constant manipulations and tear-downs get to me.
“What’s my new task, Sir?” I ask quietly, resigning myself to the fact I’m never getting out of this. I could single-handedly remove his enemies one by one, and he’d never thank me. He’d find something wrong with it and continually punish my sister for it.
Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out his phone and taps a few times. Turning it toward me, he shows me a picture of someone very familiar to me.
“Befriend Jenni Thomas. Get to know her. Go to family dinners. You are her new best friend. I want all the intel on her family life—her parents, her siblings, and most importantly, intel on that fuck she’s ‘banging’. Prove to me you can do this simple task, and we’ll revisit the Sunny situation.” My monster pulls out a handkerchief embroidered with the letter G and hands it to me. “Wipe away your pathetic tears,” he sniffs, putting his nose in the air. “Your emotions will never get you anywhere.”
I lick my lips and gently wipe the emotion from my face. Guilt rears its ugly head inside me, holding me captive.
I did that to my sister. She’s slowly dying without a new heart, and I ripped it away from her when I didn’t follow Jenni and Elias out of the party. Not that I had a car to follow them or anything. But still, if I had at least tried. If I had been better. If I… I shake my head, not allowing myself to fall into the trap of his manipulative ways. But how can I not when he’s always knocking at the door with his insults and sneers.
This is my life.
“Okay,” I say, sucking in a breath and letting it all go. “I will become her friend.”
“Hmmm,” he hums, taking a step forward, gently running his finger through my curls. “You’re a good little snake when you try. This one is important. So, don’t fuck this up. I need to know what’s going on behind closed doors, and you’re going to be the one to bring me that information.”
“Of course. I promise I won’t fuck this one up,” I murmur, rolling my lips together when he finally drops my hair.
“Prove yourself to me and get the job done right,” he says, stepping back. “Now, I must be off. Business to take care of.”
“What about Sunny?” I dare to ask when he walks by me toward my bedroom door. “Is she…” I trail off.
“Still in the care center I put her in. Sunny will live without a new heart. For now, at least. She’s getting the best care money can buy. Another thing to add to your debts.”
With that, my monster walks out of my bedroom, leaving me standing in the silence of everything that just happened. The aftermath of my decisions weighs heavily on me when I walk to my tiny window and watch the man who took my life away from me climb into his expensive black SUV, and then he’s gone.
Turning back, I finally let more tears fall and sag onto my bed. The memory of the violin from so many years ago plays through my mind, soothing the crisis rising inside me. Closing my eyes, I relive the night before like a fantasy, reveling in the feel of their hands and basking in the life and light coming back to me. Under them, I was someone. They wanted me. Hell, they used me like I used them. An anonymous hookup that I’m going to hold close to my heart as I make it through high school and then beyond.
I may never get the freedom I crave, but that one sliver of light in my darkening world will anchor me in my most trying times, holding me to this earth.
Whatever my monster has in store for me, I’ll survive. I have to. For Sunny. For my fucking sanity. I can’t keep living under his thumb. If I do, I’ll slowly wither away into the puppet he wants, and I won’t give him the satisfaction of it.
I’m stronger than that.
Responsibility crushes down on me as I make my way out of my bedroom, making sure to shut the door behind me and lock it. Not only does my mom have a bad habit of drugs, but the means to pay for those drugs walks through our front door at every hour of the day. She wasn’t always like this, bleeding herself dry just to catch a high. I remember a time when my mother read me stories and tucked me in at night. Then, one day the drugs grabbed hold of her and never let go. Even through her pregnancy with Sunny, it was hard to keep her sober and coherent. I blame her for Sunny’s health issues. If she would have just stopped for nine months and given it a rest to bring a healthy child into this world, then all would have been well.
When I make it to the living room, I sigh at the sight before me.
“Want some food?” I ask, rubbing the side of my aching face, which will no doubt bruise later.
