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“You’re telling me my brother won’t support his son?” It was inconceivable to me. “That doesn’t sound like him.”
“Well, it is,” Nancy shot back. “He counts on my parents picking up the tab, and they are, but it drives me crazy. I’m not even asking for alimony.”
I’d never felt so dark about John. This was a new low.
Nancy sighed. “I never thought he’d jerk me around on money, especially when we have it. How do you explain a rich man who won’t support his own child? How does he live with himself? That’s why I say I don’t know who he is anymore.”
“Do you think he’s having some kind of breakdown?”
“John? Not likely. Anyway, I don’t care. He’s a big boy, he can take care of himself. Connor’s my priority.” Nancy looked out to the sea and I followed her sight line, watching the waves in constant motion, the shifting shards of light and dark. The ocean was a vast set of variables, possibilities, and forces, unseen and ephemeral, yet strong enough to pound rock and change the very face of the planet.
I turned to her. “My brother doesn’t know how lucky he is.”
“Thanks.” Nancy looked over with a bittersweet smile. “Now, whatdid he go to the police for? To somehow suggest you were involved with this Lemaire’s murder? That’s ridiculous. You’d never kill anybody.”
“Thank you for that.” I felt a surge of validation, and I was starting to change my opinion about Nancy. “My father told the cops, ‘My son didn’t commit murder to the best of my knowledge, information, and belief.’ ”
Nancy smiled. “I could’ve told them you didn’t do it, and I don’t evenlikeyou.”
I smiled back. “But now you do?”
“Yes, you won me over on my way out the door.” Nancy’s smile faded. “Don’t take it so hard, TJ. Your dad loves you. He’s just worried about the firm.”
“I know and I get it, I do. He’s calling a PR firm for crisis management. The police are looking for me. My mother’s calling my lawyer. Nobody knows where John is. We’re falling apart.”
“The Devlins? Never.” Nancy waved me off. “You’re not a family, you’re aforce.”
“Not anymore.” Part of this tore me apart, and the other part made me feel strangely free. “All along I’ve been thinking I have to change, and I do, for good. But really,weall have to change. Myfamilyhas to change.” I met her eye. “I want to tell my parents about you two. Can I?”
“Why?”
“Because all roads lead to John and the Runstan deal. Dad won’t retire after all this anyway, it’s too far gone. He’ll have to rehab our image, and Runstan’s acquisition is foundering. If the cops have reason to believe Lemaire was murdered, by me or by anybody else, Vuarnex will bounce. It’s game over.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“My job. Investigate.”
“Investigate what?”
“John.”
“Oh boy.” Nancy looked away at Connor, thinking it over. “Okay. You can tell your parents about us. I’m sick of faking it anyway.”
“Thanks. The truth shall set you free, right?”
“In theory.” Nancy waved at Connor, who waved back, a shell in his hand. “I should get Connor. It’s time for dinner.”
•••
It was getting dark on the beach, and there wasn’t another soul out except for me, hands on hips, looking out to sea. A dusky periwinkle streaked the sky, shading to gray at the horizon and vanishing into the water. The sea was dead calm in the distance, churning as it got closer and closer to shore, the big waves spewing seaweed, shards of shells, and stones smoothed by centuries.
The wind picked up, and I breathed in the salty air, cooler and lighter since the haze had been swept away. I couldn’t bring myself to leave yet, though Nancy and Connor had gone back up to the house. I’d kissed Connor goodbye, hurting at the realization that he wouldn’t be in my life the way he had been.
Vroom vroom.
My little nephew had gotten under my skin from day one, and I flashed on visiting him in the hospital, sober for the occasion. I’d been suffused with wonder at his delicate features, filmy hair, and little body swathed in a soft white blanket. He’d wrapped his tiny hand around my index finger, his grip surprisingly tight.
I wiped my eyes, suddenly overwhelmed by the sensation of losing him, Nancy, Carrie and Emily, and Jesse. There’d been so much loss,my brother and my father, even Rigel and Lemaire. I’d lost so much of my own life to drinking, to mistakes, to bad impulses, to cleaning up after myself, all of it leaving me filthy and reekingthrough my pores.
