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Carrie returned with a glass of Diet Coke and set it on the coffee table. “Done yet?”
“No, because I have to curse. It’s step one.”
Carrie sat down on the couch, leaning forward on her elbows. “What happened the night you left her in the car?”
I put the directions aside, since the build-first-talk-later plan had changed. “Okay, I can explain—”
“No long intro, please. I want to know what you were thinking, TJ. I want to know how you left my daughter in a car while you got drunk in a dive bar.”
“Right.” I’d rehearsed this conversation so many times, but I was getting stage fright. The script didn’t come back to me, so I spoke from the heart. “I’ll tell you the terrible, terrible truth. I just forgot she was there. We were driving home from Sesame Place, and she was exhausted. We sang, then she fell asleep, and I thought about beer. I pulled over at the first bar I saw, and I forgot she was back there.”
Carrie blinked, her lips parting. “That’s terrible.”
“Yes, it’s terrible, that’s how you know it’s true. I’m very, very sorry for it. I’ll be sorry for it my whole life.”
“It could have been hot out. If it were hot, she’d be dead. It wasJune.”
“I know.” I shuddered, having thought the same thing myself so many times. “I’m guilty. I really am.”
Carrie looked at me evenly. “I’m not going to make you feel good about this.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I don’t need your permission.”
“Fair enough.”
“It’s unforgivable.”
“I agree, even if you forgive me, I’ll never forgive myself.” I movedcloser to her. “What I did, it was a terrible thing, and it changed everything. It sent me to prison. It ended us.”
“I knew you drank, TJ. I just thought you drank a normal amount.” Carrie hesitated. “Wait, I take that back. I mean, there were times I thought you drank too much, and we talked about that, remember?”
“Yes.” I remembered. It took her a while to get after me, but she did.
“But it was just beer, and I didn’t think you were analcoholic. I know it sounds stupid, buteverybodydrinks beer. My father drinks beer. My brother brews beer in his basement. Hell,Idrink beer.”
“I know,” I said, watching her try to think aloud.
“I would nevereverthink you’d do that to Emily.”
“I know, I understand.”
“You were so good with her.”
“She was a joy. Sheisa joy.”
“I know you loved her, I know you did.”
“I did, I do,” I said, my chest wrenching.I love you, too.
“And she loved you.”
I felt my heart thud. I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t trust myself not to cry, and this wasn’t supposed to be about me. Meanwhile Carrie’s face was softening, and she eyed me with a characteristic honesty that was the most beautiful thing about her. I could see that she wanted to connect, that her heart was open, and that what I’d done had hurt her so badly.
“It messed me up, I stopped trusting myself. I didn’t trust my instincts.” Carrie shook her head. “I was a mess, amess, but I went to therapy, and it helped. I figured a lot of things out.”
“Me, too.”
