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I bite my lip as I look at him. He's watching me, waiting for me to speak. I'm going to drop this bomb on him and I have no idea how he's going to react.
"Okay," I say quickly as a breath rushes out of me. "So, I need you to know that I don't want this to change things. I don't need you to do anything."
"What the fuck are you talkin' about, babe?"
I swallow hard as I wring my hands together. "I'm pregnant."
"The fuck you are," he hisses. "No the fuck you're not."
"I am," I reply, my hands trembling. I clasp them together, trying not to show the fear I'm feeling. "I'm six weeks along."
His eyes flash with anger. "I've always used protection," he snarls. "There's no way you're pregnant."
Pain lances through my heart and I sigh. God, why is he calling me a liar? There have been a few times he hasn’t used a condom. "Why would I lie to you, Preacher? I mean, what the hell would I get out of doing so?"
His lip is curled in disgust. "I don't know, and I don't give a fuck. Whatever game you're fuckin' playin', Ailbhe, I want no part in it."
"Okay," I say, my heart breaking at his words. I don't understand why he's being so callous. Sure, I knew he wouldn't be best pleased about it, but this is ridiculous.
His eyes narrow. "Fuckin' games," he snaps. The anger in his voice is like a whip, and it causes me to shiver in fear. I've never heard him like this. I don't think I've ever heard someone have so much anger in their voice before. "I don't play that shit, bitch. I won't be played. So do me a favor and get the fuck away from me, yeah? We're done. Never fuckin' come near me again."
Tears sting the back of my eyes. God, he's killing me. He’s actually killing me right now. I can't believe he's acting this way. I never expected him to be this mean. "Okay, Preacher, you've got it."
I turn on my heel and walk quickly to my car, my tears falling thick and fast. I'm hurt. God, I'm so fucking hurt. He's such an arsehole. I should have known better. I should have realized that when he said he just wanted to fuck, that's all he wanted, and none of the consequences. But the truth of the matter is, he didn't always use contraception and sometimes shit happens. I just wish he'd be an adult about it all.
My tears fall the entire journey home. I have to pull over a few times as I can't see. When I pull into the driveway of the house, I'm surprised to see lights on. Ruairi must still be awake, something that doesn't usually happen. He's always in his room and I don't bother him when I come home. Right now, I don’t have it in me to care why he’s still awake, nor do I want to have the added drama to my life. Ruairi’s up to something, I know he is, I just don’t want to know what it is. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
"What's wrong?" Ruairi asks as I walk into the house. "No lies, Ailbhe. You've been crying, so what happened?"
I sink down onto the sofa beside him, kicking off my shoes and bringing my knees to my chest. I can't stop the tears from falling as I tell him what happened.
"Christ, he's a fucking bastard, Al. You're better off without him. Fuck that prick."
I laugh through the sobs. "I just don't understand why he's so angry or how he could be so callous toward me. I never intended on getting pregnant, nor did I set out to trap him."
"He's a fucking bastard, Al. You don't need him. You've proven you're more than capable of taking care of children without help. You're already a good ma, Al. You're going to be fine being a single parent. Don't cry. That bastard doesn't deserve your tears."
I wipe my face, trying to swipe away the tears, but they just keep coming. "I know. I'm just hurt. I stupidly thought he cared about me. That's my fault. I thought there was more than there was between us." I sigh. "We both know what it's like to have shitty parents, and I never wanted that for my children. Hell, I hadn't planned on having any for a while."
"Plans don't always go to plan. You know that more than anyone. But you're pregnant, Ailbhe. You have time to decide what's the best option for you."
"I've been non-stop thinking about it since I found out I was pregnant. I want to keep the baby. I want to be his or hers ma. I think I'll be able to love and provide for him or her, and that they'll be happy."
He reaches for my hand. "They will be, Al. Trust me, you'll love that baby like no one else could. It's all going to be okay. I promise you, no matter what, it's going to be okay."
I nod. He's right, it will be okay. It has to be.
"Have you eaten?" he asks.
The mere thought has my stomach protesting. I haven't eaten much since the sickness kicked in. Not only is it coming every morning, it comes every time I want to eat or drink. I'm throwing up every time I smell or think about food or drink. It's not great. I feel weaker than ever and I need it to stop. I need my strength for work.
"Let me make you some toast," Ruairi tells me. "You need to eat something. If you don't, you're going to end up in the hospital."
I lean back against the sofa as my stomach rolls. God, I feel like shit and I'm not sure if this feeling is ever going to go away. I pray it does.
I close my eyes as Ruairi gets up from the sofa and moves toward the kitchen. I'm grateful he's here and helping me. I'm lucky to have a great family around me. Not only will my baby have me, but they'll have this amazing family too. My baby is going to be so loved.
Fuck Preacher. He can go fuck himself. He'll realize what he's missing eventually and will come crawling back. Our child is a miracle and deserves so much love from their father. So I hope he does see what he's missing and realizes his child needs him.
